A Framework for Saying No with Grace, Gratitude and the Spirit of Collaboration

The blogger James Clear wrote that saying No is the ultimate productivity hack . After all – as the quote from Peter Drucker that he includes says, if I paraphrase – no matter how efficient you get at doing something you shouldn’t be doing, that doesn’t make it something you should be doing.

The era we live in is an era of abundance. The choices we have of how to use our time are endless: where thirty years ago there were real, genuine limits for most of us on what we could read or watch or listen to or learn in any moment, now there are – essentially – no limits. Endless video, audio, writing, learning. And the world of work continues to ask more of us: no longer is geography a limit on who we can meet (or see); coronavirus has accelerated what we all believe is possible without being in close physical proximity with others. Asynchronus communication like email means that global teams can work together, with our inboxes filling up 24/7.

Whatever we want to become, we can do so. The creative possibilities are no longer controlled by gatekeepers or by how much money we have: we can all be an author or a TV presenter or an entrepreneur. And there is an online learning opportunity on any subject you want available to you for free, and thousands more available for less than ￡100. Whatever you want to become, you can do so.

And so saying No skilfully is perhaps the most important skill we can develop.

It was Sarah Cartwright who I first heard explain why: that saying Yes to one thing is saying No to something (maybe everything) else. And saying No to something creates the possibility to say Yes to something else.

Our lives are a series of choices. We can get along by the skin of our teeth without making choices, or by letting the choices be made by others (or by something simple like ‘whatever gets in our inbox or our calendar first’) or we can make active choices that align with what we believe in and how we want our life to be. We can take responsibility for our lives and take charge of our destiny. If we are going to do that, then creating the muscle within us to say No is vital.

And it doesn’t always feel that way. Across my work with clients – including but not limited to groups as diverse as academic researchers and coaches – there seems to be a level of success that can be created by saying Yes to everything. By taking opportunities as they come. By being part of many things. It may even be a requirement to go through a phase like that. And then there comes a time when that is wearing us out and – as the saying goes – what got you here won’t get you there, where there is the next level of success. And then comes a phase of saying No. Where focus and space becomes the best way to create the work that we are here to create, the Zone of Genius work, the work that only we can do.

Or, perhaps saying No is important to you simply to stay sane. To have some time with your family. To have some time with yourself.

Either way, here is a framework that I found and then developed, for saying No with grace, gratitude and the spirit of collaboration: the attempt here is to say No without damaging relationships and by creating more possibility for everyone involved. I borrowed and adapted this framework and then when it came to this article I couldn’t find the original source – if this looks like something you’ve seen elsewhere or you created something like this, please let me know so I can credit you.

Here we go – here’s how to say No with grace, gratitude and the spirit of colalbroation.

1. Say thank you. Be grateful. It’s almost always a compliment that someone has asked you to do something, but that gratitude gets lost amidst the feeling of imposition or overwhelm in our lives. Start with gratitude: it will be good for you and for the person making the request. And be specific about exactly why you are grateful to be asked.
2. Outline the values or commitments that are important to you in this situation, that underneath mean that you aren’t choosing to say Yes. Whether it’s because you have already said Yes to something else, and keeping your word is important, or it’s because of an important value for you: self-care, your family, doing excellent work, something else. This can be an act of leadership and inspiration to the person you are saying No to - a reminder that holding values as important is possible. Maybe it will even encourage them to put their self-care, family, quality of work or something else first. It also re-emphasises to you why it is the right choice to say No (or shows you that it isn't).
3. Explain why those values or commitments mean that you can’t say Yes in this situation. If you’ve done 2 well, this can feel easy (if still uncomfortable - if, that is, you really feel like you're letting someone down).
4. Make a counter offer or an alternative suggestion. Here is the spirit of collaboration: do you want to accept the request with some conditions (another time, a different topic)? Or can you help the person complete their work some other way (a resource, a colleague who could help)?

Remember, it is always better to say No now than to say Yes now and then fail to keep your word. And, if this is making you think about a commitment you have already made that you don't want to keep, the only honourable thing is to let the other person know as soon as you realise that. This framework can be used for that, too.

And of course above all, remember this: that by saying Yes to something you are saying No to something else. And by saying No to something, you are enabling yourself to say Yes to something else.

Saying No is an act of creating integrity, and it is an act of possibility. ?

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This is the latest in a series of articles written using?the 12-Minute Method : write for twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then post online.?Read the archive of articles written using the 12-Minute Method here .

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