A Framework for Offering Help

Do you sometimes find it difficult to RECEIVE help? Even when it's happily offered? If so, you're not alone.

For some people, accepting help feels like defeat. Or an admittance of weakness. Pride gets in the way. Or perhaps, they're afraid of being indebted to someone.

Fears and negative associations with help prevent people from accepting help in the first place - even when help is offered from a well-intentioned person!

And, when YOU are the well-intentioned person offering valuable, no-ulterior-motive help, it's baffling when it's not accepted.

Now, we obviously can't solve everyone's inner struggle. But you can make small adjustments in HOW YOU OFFER HELP to increase the chances of your help being accepted.

This came in handy the other day when I was in a grocery store parking lot and noticed an elderly woman who couldn't find where she parked her car.

At first, she was resistant to my offer to help her. I asked to help how anyone might normally offer help: "Can I help you find your car?"

Simple and straight to the point, right? Sure. ... But not very sensitive. 

Remember, when people need help, they already feel vulnerable. It doesn't matter if they need help filling out a spreadsheet or if they need rehab. Needing help causes anxiety, and therefore a sense of vulnerability. That's why most people reject help - in hopes of "remaining strong."

In the grocery store parking lot, I realized my mistake. Her reply was a prideful rejection, "No, I'll find it soon enough."

That's when my influential communication mindset kicked in. I replied, “Oh I’m sure you will! I just hate it when I can’t remember where I parked my car from one place to another. Especially when I've been running errands all day. I’ve wondered around looking for my car in all kinds of places.”

She lightened up with a smile and said, “Oh it’s just the worst.”

I chuckled with her," “It is isn’t it! ... Can I please help you locate yours?”

And just like that, she did a 180 and said, "That's very kind of you."

INTERESTING! Same offer. Just offered in a different way.

My first offer was insulting, as she perhaps saw it. But then my second offer suddenly became "very kind."

Hmmm. What's the difference?

Here's a simple framework for offering help. It will help you HELP!

1) Commiserate 

Share a time when you struggled in a similar way. 

It doesn't have to be a similar situation, per se. Relate to the emotion they are feeling.

When have you, too, felt stuck, crazy, infuriated, betrayed, scared, incapable, ashamed, helpless....?

2) "Can I please offer some help? "

There's a subtle difference between "Can I help?" and "Can I please offer to help?"

Generally speaking, people hate to be rude - especially when they're in rapport with someone. (Which is what Step 1 is designed to accomplish!)

By saying "please," you're requesting their help. Yes, think Jerry McGuire: "help me help you." With your "please,' you're giving them a sense of being back in control. Pairing this power shift with one's distaste of being rude vastly increases the chances of your offer suddenly becoming a "very kind offer."

I hope you find this framework for help...well...HELPFUL! Please feel free to share this with anyone who also wishes their help was accepted a little more often :) Let's help each other help more often!

Stay connected,

Sharí Alexander || Persuasiveness Coach & Speaker

P.S. Here's a quick way I can help you increase your influence, whenever you're ready.

Grab a FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint.  It's a step by step guide for finding your Influential Message. In this workbook, you'll find your "points of intrigue" with the guided lessons included! Have fun!