A framework for conflict

So much of our ability to engage in dialogue is broken.

So much of the discourse out there is deeply toxic, hateful, and zero-sum.

So much of our conflict with each other seems to be focused on centering the conflict and not the solution.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Freud’s “narcissism of small differences” which suggests that we often reserve our most intense hostilities not for those who are drastically different from us, but for those with whom we share the most similarities.

The fiercest disputes erupt over the smallest differences and overshadow the vast range of commonalities we share.

Against this backdrop, I’ve been exploring a concept I call Radical Decency.

It’s an approach to counteract the all-too-human drive to escalate disagreements into all-out-wars.

It’s my attempt at trying to build a framework that centers resolution through empathy and understanding, whatever the scale of conflict.

Compassion and humanity are the surest path from entrenched confrontation to constructive dialogue.

Radical Decency

Here’s a quick rundown of the principles I’ve got so far:

1. Reflect on Yourself
2. Understand the Other
3. Listen to Hear, Not to Respond
4. Embrace the Discomfort
5. Give Grace
6. Respect the Difference
7. Look for Agreement
8. Outcomes Over Arguments

1. Reflect on Yourself

Every conflict gives us a chance to look in the mirror. What is your part in the conflict? What biases are you bringing to the table? How do your experiences color your view? How might you be missing the point? Getting a handle on these questions isn’t about assigning blame to yourself; it’s about coming into the conversation with clarity and honesty.

2. Understand the Other

Resolving conflict for me isn’t about point scoring or winning. It’s about understanding the conflict and working to resolve it. I try to enter every discussion with the goal of understanding rather than convincing or winning. Trying to see the world through the ‘other’s’ eyes, helps me to learn about them but, more importantly, it helps me figure out ways to bridge gaps that might seem insurmountable without that context.

3. Listen to Hear, Not to Respond

Hearing what’s being said is easier said than done. It takes letting go of the next point in your mental playlist and being present and open to the words and thoughts presented to you. As difficult as it might be, this kind of focused, attentive ‘hearing’ transforms discussions from competitive, static shouting-matches where each side is ‘counting coup’ into collaborative problem-solving sessions that are move to resolution.

4. Embrace the Discomfort

Conflict is inherently uncomfortable, but the discomfort can be a powerful catalyst for growth and change. Lean into the discomfort and accept it as a part of the process, recognizing that feelings of unease or vulnerability are often signs that important, transformative work is being done. Instead of an obstacle, see it as signpost towards deeper truths that help us dismantle defenses and pave the way to more nuanced and meaningful resolutions.

5. Give Grace

Yes. Sometimes people are assholes (I am guilty of this too (trust me)). But operating from a position of assuming the ‘other’s’ good intentions (however much you disagree) helps defuse a lot of initial tension in a conversation and helps you really see their point of view. And to be clear, it’s not about ignoring harmful actions or words (bad shit should be called out) but about maintaining a baseline of goodwill, which keeps conversations open and constructive.

6. Respect the Difference

Differences aren’t bad. Disagreements aren’t bad. Conflict can lead to good things. Acknowledging and respecting differences doesn’t imply agreement; it simply recognizes the legitimacy of other viewpoints and the richness they bring to the table. Our diverse views on the world enrich conversations and respecting that diversity of thought keeps me open to correction. If I’m honest, it’s the best way for me to learn stuff and grow as a human.

7. Look for Agreement

Finding common ground isn’t about easing tension — it’s about building a foundation we can build on towards resolution. Focusing on what we agree on actively fosters a spirit of collaboration and centers resolution. I try to explore find things I share with folks I’m speaking to and reframe the goal of the discussion to cooperative problem-solving. This makes resolution more attainable and strengthens our relationship by aligning us with a mutual goal.

8. Outcomes Over Arguments

I try to focus on the end result. It’s about envisioning a successful resolution from the outset and working backwards from there. What does a constructive outcome look like? How can we accommodate the needs and concerns of all involved? This shifts the dialogue to be about finding solutions that are practical and beneficial and increases the likelihood of reaching a satisfactory conclusion while preserving dignity and respect for all participants.

Wrapping this up

Sure. Radical Decency is idealistic, and in a lot of ways, it is.

But it’s also grounded in the practical reality that most of us face conflicts regularly.

Whether these conflicts are personal or professional, minor or major, the principles of Radical Decency can provide a framework for navigating them more effectively.

By emphasizing understanding, respect, and shared solutions, we can turn even the most heated disputes into opportunities for growth and connection.