Frame Your Challenges to Experience Calm

I had gotten the call earlier in the day and decided I should be there. As I came through the double doors and entered the waiting room, I saw various members of his family, their faces numb with disbelief and concern. Jesse, his daughter, about my age, stood up and gave me a hug and tried to give me the details. Barbara, his wife, her hands slightly trembling, smiled bravely as if to ward off the uncertainty of what lay ahead. My phone began to vibrate with an incoming call as I put my hand on her shoulder and told her she needn’t get up. Emails and voicemails went unanswered for the next few hours. By the time I left that night, many extended family members had arrived, and several were bedding down for the night with the hope that dawn would bring a better day.

The next morning as I arrived, I could tell their sleep had only come through exhaustion. There had been no improvement. They asked me to say a prayer and after the “amen”, I glanced at my watch, time to get going, it was almost 8am. But his wife squeezed my hand and said, “We can go back at 8am, will you go with me to see him?”

He lay stretched out in the ICU of Piedmont Hospital, and I stared down silently at a giant farmer, strong as an ox, whose heart had sprung a leak and a massive heart attack stopped him in his tracks. The hiss of the ventilator and the rhythmic beeps of the equipment indicated that life lay before us, although I had my doubts. Emails vibrated in as I gripped his hand and talked to him softly. We said a prayer and 20 minutes later my workday began. I was tired, behind schedule, and knew I wouldn’t have time to catch up. But somehow it was ok.

On the evening of the third day, Barbara pulled me in with her and Jesse to hear the doctor’s update. The family needed to prepare for the possibility that he wouldn’t make it. Barbara and Jesse broke down. The doctor pulled me aside and told me if there was anything I could do to prepare the family, I should. As he left, I stepped back into the room to have one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. The next day’s meeting with my client about some issues that I thought would be contentious, really didn’t seem to be that bad. Maybe it was me.

As I reflected on that week, each day bookended by trips to the hospital, I recognized that my workload had not lightened, client issues were no less pressing, and other challenges and pressures existed. But I had worked though it efficiently, with little angst, and minimal stress. Was it a phenomenon, or could this relative peace and efficient focus be my new norm? 

Most of the things we stress about are not life altering in importance. It’s not about ignoring the challenges, it’s determining not to let them alter our emotional state to an unhealthy degree, so that we can be our best, and do our best. The things we stress about, or even fear, would make some feel incredibly blessed to experience. Don’t let fear, anger, disappointment, pride, or other emotions rule the day in an outsized way; put the object of your stress in the right context. I treat emotional energy like currency, and try to spend it in good measure, and with purpose!

I delivered Richard’s eulogy the following week. Weeks later, I got a thank-you card from Barbara, but I felt it was me who should’ve thanked her. Charles Mayo wisely observed, “Worry and stress affects the circulation, the heart, the glands, the whole nervous system, and profoundly affects heart action”. Be Well!