FRAGILE. HANDLE WITH CARE: A note on long-distance relationships

My doctoral journey until last year took up most of my time and emotional energy. With that behind me, I figured I’d share something today that may be meaningful to some of you. Who knows, it may even resonate with you, somewhere deep down. Perhaps those that are considering doing doctoral research someday may like to conduct a phenomenological study on this topic.

Those who regularly follow my updates may not find these ideas to be alien. I have extensively written about them over the years. But I encourage you to take some time and read this piece, for it contains new material that you may not have seen before. This is a sacred piece of work, and I must thank those that I coach, for providing me with their honest and transparent insight into a very sensitive topic. I have also gleaned wisdom and insight from other sources on the Internet and discussion forums.

Technology has been both an “enabler” and a “distractor” in today’s day and age. Like life’s dualism, this too has two sides that at times may feel opposed and/or paradoxical. It can even be a double-edge sword. But I want to discuss here the “enabling aspect” of technology as it relates to the spawning of long-distance relationships. People, who likely may not have ever met before the advent of the Internet, have suddenly encountered like-minded friends, colleagues, even lovers. 

While technology enables getting into a long-distance relationship, it also makes maintaining it far more difficult. No wonder then that most long-distance relationships fail. However, I want to write about the ones that succeed, not the ones that fail!

So what does it take to maintain a “romantic” long-distance relationship between two people, who are separated by physical distance? This is not an easy question to answer, and different readers will have very different takes. After all, we all have multiple perspectives on the same phenomenon. You can see why I am so incredibly drawn to “existential phenomenology” and “ontological” understanding of phenomena. I add “Ontology” because it is a metaphysical construct that has to do with the “essence of being.” Many relationships of this nature must, of necessity have a strong metaphysical bond to them or they won’t survive. It may be the “glue” that holds two people together long-term.

What does it mean, “to be” in such a relationship, and more importantly, what will it take to make it work, such that it defies statistics?

I read somewhere that in order to live and love together; you must first learn how to live apart! But living apart is NOT for the faint of heart, I say. It takes two highly committed and emotionally mature people to sustain such a relationship. But is that all that is needed? Perhaps not. There’s a lot more that goes into cultivating such a fragile relationship.

Let me begin with how it all starts and what you may have put into it from the get go. It is your initial emotional investment (or lack thereof) that often determines whether your relationship is on a solid foundation that can weather the storms or is it one that is likely to collapse like a house of cards at the first sign of trouble. It may take you years to build that foundation of trust and only moments to see it all come crashing down. There is no guarantee that a relationship that was built on a solid foundation will not crash, but it is less likely if you pay close attention to it.

There are also other complexities and sophisticated subtleties involved. A long-distance relationship could be between two unattached (but serious) people who are seeking a future together. It could be between two individuals in an “open” relationship, who are casually dating, but not necessarily committed to each other. It could also be between two married people who are disgruntled with their spouses and are looking for excitement and adventure that may someday culminate in marriage. And finally, it may involve two attached individuals who are already in a committed relationship such as marriage, but may discover someone who brings more life and meaning to their existence. They are not looking to compete for a space in the other person’s life. They are not seeking to build their castle on someone’s grave, and yet, this can be a powerful relationship.

If you put morality aside for a moment, you may even discover that there is something sacred, and not necessarily profane or immoral about it.

In my coaching work, I have experienced all these types of relationships over the years. It’s been extremely hard to not judge one over the other, so I consciously try to see them all in the same light, but just differently nuanced. It all really begins with a tremendous amount of excitement, wouldn’t you agree? There is a yearning, a longing, a burning desire to be together everyday, even if that form of togetherness is digitally enabled, such as via private text, Internet calls, Skype, Face-Time, email, photo sharing etc. In the absence of paralinguistic cues (body language, facial expression, intonation, pitch, hesitation etc.) one tends to rely disproportionately on other more subtle cues such as text, language, emoticons, voice messages, video clips and others.

While these cannot possibly replace a face-to-face meeting with someone that you love and care for, they are the only cues that you can go by. They partially fill a longing to be with someone, and with regular contact over months and years, you come to expect it everyday. This may or may not be realistic, but ironically, the reality is that if there is a free will, there is a way to connect without actually catching a plane to visit someone face-to-face. If you built the foundation of your relationship with “consistently regular” contact, and invested emotionally over the years into making sure that you reach out to the other person everyday, albeit briefly, you may already have set the bar and standards very high. You get addicted to that form of emotional connection (taken to an extreme, it may even be a contagion, an obsession, a compulsion) and actually seek it everyday.

A simple contact (or lack thereof) can take you from the “valley of despair” to the “hills of delight.” Conversely, the reverse may also happen, i.e. the waning of intensity that you were used to, and a weakening of the emotional connect may plunge you into despair.

Regular and mindful contact somewhat alleviates the absence of physicality. When you don’t receive that attention, especially if you know that there wasn’t a reason for the other person's silence, it can become agonizingly difficult.

You will unconsciously project into that silence, things that may or may not even be happening. There can be imaginary fears, such as a feeling of being ignored, rejected, including other anxieties and insecurities, all of which go to fill that silence.

So if your relationship was not one that was built on silent communication for the most part, it can feel quite disconcerting, to say the least. These are complex feelings and certainly not easy to handle long-distance. At the risk of making this piece a bit axiomatic, I thought I might break down into points, what I think are critical aspects of not only sustaining, but also keeping a long-distance relationship fresh and energized over the long haul.

If “spontaneity” and “intensity” were the buzzwords in your ongoing relationship with someone, then it behooves you to pay special attention to those very aspects. They will be the very first things one will miss if there is even a subtle change and/or slackening of the intensity on the part of the other. This is by no means, a prescriptive or all-encompassing approach or panacea. It is based on my own thinking and reflection, including empirical observations of my “coachees” who have been there, done that.

There is no greater testimony, than an individual’s hands-on experience with a phenomenon.

1. Distraction vs. preoccupation:

In long-distance relationship, the slightest attention away from the person you love and care for, may take the form of a distraction or preoccupation on your part. Granted, life happens and intervenes most unexpectedly, but if you previously established a pattern of reaching out everyday via a simple text message to the other, first thing each morning, your failure to do so can trigger huge anxiety in your partner. This is exacerbated if there was no reason for you to not make contact. When you are incredibly close to someone, you crave for that simple contact even if it's a one liner that says hello. If it’s only an isolated incident, it’s probably understandable, but an emerging pattern, howsoever subtle, may suggest there is something happening in the relationship that is not being addressed. Why did the horse suddenly break its step? Why do the momentum and intensity seem a bit weakened? Is your partner not feeling well? Is s/he overwhelmed with life’s chores? Is the relationship somehow changing for one of the parties? Is someone else taking the place that you once held in the person’s life?

One starts to ruminate about many things when one of the wheels of the carriage feels misaligned. It could be so subtle as to be totally missed, and yet, when you are in synch with someone emotionally and spiritually, you will notice the change. You will want to get answers. You don’t want to be kept in the dark because you don’t deserve to be there.

An open and honest conversation “before the fact” can be very helpful and you can put the issues behind you. But if a party insists there is nothing wrong and you continue to feel uneasy nonetheless, there is an elephant in the room.

If the party experiencing this uncomfortable disconnect is totally on board as before, then it would suggest that there is nothing being projected onto the other. It may be something very trivial or something more serious. It’s best to not ignore these signs. Talk it out with love and respect. If someone else is now taking the place that you once occupied 24/7, then you want to know, sooner than later. If on the other hand, the intensity is weakening because the relationship is losing its vitality for the other person, then that too must be openly addressed. Maybe there is a way to restore it, maybe not. But an honest conversation is very helpful.

Change is inevitable and is the only constant in life; however, in a previously established long-distance relationship where both parties have invested heavily, such changes can be terrifying and agonizing.

2. Physical distance vs. emotional distance:

“I’d rather be here, far from you in distance, but feeling very close to you, than living close to you, but feeling really lost and far away.” –Anonymous

I have always maintained that emotions are the lifeblood and barometer of a relationship. A subtle change in the emotional connectivity, and your barometer will go ping!

It will always signal how you and your partner are feeling. If the emotional distancing is mutual, then both parties can either resolve it by walking away from each other, or by making a greater effort to be together. Having done this work for many years, I can tell you that the latter becomes harder to accomplish especially if the distancing started to occur as a natural process of growth for one or the other party or both. I am sure you have all experienced this. Some people get bored of each other over time and want to move on with their lives. The beautiful spark that once ignited and brought them together, begins to fade and die.

One might argue that all flames must eventually die, but what about those that continue burning strongly over a lifetime?

Sometimes people seek new adventures when life-changing events begin to occur, such as completing one’s education, changing a job, getting a promotion, remarrying, or even getting a divorce. What once was, no longer is, or at least not the way it was for you at one time. You are spreading your wings, meeting new people, making new connections, and entering a new career. All of these are wonderful things happening in our lives, and must inevitably bring in their wake changes that are often uncomfortable to our loved ones who have always experienced us as the dutiful Mom, devoted spouse, caring Dad, loyal friend, loving sister, and what not. People around you suddenly feel awkward because you are morphing into a brand new person. You are spreading your wings. You are experiencing a newfound freedom that you have not known.

Believe me, I felt that same way when after years of arduous effort, time, and significant funds, I finally achieved an important milestone last year: my PhD! It was an unparalleled experience that I cannot even begin to describe. While I came out the far end of the tunnel with a terminal degree, I continued to pay very close emotional attention to all those that I love. Some of my closest, dearest colleagues feared that after earning a PhD I would not be able to make time for them, but you know what? I proved it to everyone that my PhD would never stand between us! That’s just who I am. And my family supported me all the way. But there are others whose families may not feel as comfortable. They may not say anything, and yet harbor difficult feelings inside. They might even question why you needed the degree when everything was already going well.

It’s hard for many to understand your inner feelings about higher education. But if you have someone close, who truly loves and cares about you; and this person does not have to be your spouse, you will feel understood and supported. If you are in a long-distance relationship and part of the reason for your distancing and/or preoccupation is the new excitement and widening of your circle of friends and colleagues, there is no issue as long as you know inside that it is the reason for your distraction. Just be honest about it and everything works out fine.

It’s when you say there is nothing wrong, and yet a new pattern is trending, a new you is emerging, that is where it becomes painful. It’s a “new normal” in the relationship, but it should not be obscured by pieces that just don’t fit.

Once the new normal is established and agreed upon, with new ground rules, both parties come away happy even though there may be a period of adjustment.

3. Greet each other everyday:

I cannot even begin to tell you how critically important this piece is. You have very little to hold you both together, other than the emotional bond and commitment. Make sure you greet the person with a short text everyday even if you are not able to follow up with additional texts or calls because of your schedule. And if you think you will not be around to send a message, show the other the courtesy and respect and let them know you are tied up. Don’t spring a surprise and not show up at all, unless all hell has frozen over. It takes only a few seconds to say a quick hello to the other and wish them well for the day. It means more online than it does face-to-face. If you absolutely could not show up one morning, that’s quite okay. Reach out when you can, but don’t delay and assume that the other person will have no issues. Don’t take the person for granted!

If your relationship was not so tight and intimate, not so emotionally cathected to begin with, your absence on one day, or even two days will be of no consequence to the other. You won’t be missed! I am discussing the other kind of relationship though, where you are both the center of each other’s universe!

Maybe if you had not set the bar so high, as you laid the foundation of your relationship, this would be a non-issue.

4. Keep the relationship fresh and invigorated:

Pictures and sound bytes sometimes say more than text ever can. Keep the relationship updated with pictures of events, festivals, sightseeing etc. with friends and family.

If you are going to be out drinking at night with friends and colleagues, make sure that you let your long-distance partner know in advance if possible, and not after the fact.

Depending on the situation, you are likely going to be out with a group and not alone with someone. There is never an issue with that. But if you were to inform after the fact, you may end up losing some credibility. Great partners keep transparency high up on their list. These are not edicts or commands, believe me. It’s just respectful to the other, that’s all. It tells the other that you care enough to keep him/her in the loop.

When you have nothing to hide, why hide anything at all?

5. Talk dirty in private:

This last item may be controversial to some of you. But please know this.

If your relationship is one that is intimate and close, both physically and emotionally, then there is likely a tremendous amount of sexual tension and desire. Ironically, engaging in sex talk between you is not porn.

It keeps your relationship alive and may prevent drifting apart. Everything is game, including sexy puns, humor, and even graphic pictures. What else do you really have to sustain that libido between you? So, don’t be bashful. Indulge. Engage. Let yourself go. You are not submitting or surrendering to the other because you are weak. You are doing it because you are strong. Because you know deep down that you have found the one! That you will possibly never meet someone quite like him/her where all the pieces magically fit, and yet there is always an emotional storm brewing on the horizon. You don’t shy away from that storm. You face it together!

? Dr. Anil Behal (2015). All rights reserved. Please do not copy or disseminate without prior consent. You may freely use the “share” button to add this content on your wall without prior permission.

Header photo credit: Subhaashini Ghosh

Reference

Nigel, K. https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html Retrieved on October 25, 2015