The FOUR TYPES of APOLOGIES

FORGIVENESS is singular and many-sided at the same time, isn't it? It can be tough to navigate when we're in the middle of it, and the lightest, most refreshing breeze when it comes. Its absence keeps us up at night, robs us of people we love. On the other hand, its presence can heal the most wounded heart. Set bones straight. Rebuild ministries, homes and businesses. In all of its forms, forgiveness is powerful.

FORGIVENESS is complicated (but not undoable).

My new book breaks down the HOW-TO's of LEARNING TO WALK IN FORGIVENESS, as one of the spiritual disciplines that our soul longs for and is made to know in all its fulness. Forgiveness is so close to love that it's hard to disentangle the two terms. And yet, to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, and to receive it when it's on offer is one of the hardest things we do (or don't do). And sometimes that's because we don't understand the PROCESS. We don't know THE STEPS. We aren't sure of the TYPES OF APOLOGIES out there. And this not-knowing, when emotions run high, can be a real TRIP-WIRE.

HERE'S A BRIEF EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK, "Seven Spiritual Disciplines, strength for the journey." This excerpt is on the FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES of APOLOGIES. I share it with you here because when something has gone south, and needs to be made right, then there are steps to follow (my book also breaks those down in detail); and one of those steps is offering an informed, right-sized apology.

These are the four I know of, perhaps you can add your own.

• APOLOGY NUMBER ONE. Someone makes a mistake, and all they need to say is, “Oops.” There’s really no need for more. No need for forgiveness to be more than a simple, “That’s okay, don’t worry about it. Happens to the best of us."...
• APOLOGY NUMBER TWO. Someone breaks a rule. Does something wrong. Might even be a legal problem. This is an ethical issue that requires acknowledgement and an honest, but general, “I’m sorry."... UNLESS...
• APOLOGY NUMBER THREE. Unless… the crossing of a line involves someone getting hurt or suffering loss. Then this is a moral question. It affects relationship (personally or on a communal level). It requires a deeper searching. A more focused apology on one part, and more heartfelt, “I forgive you,” on the other part...
• APOLOGY NUMBER FOUR. Lastly, someone might commit a sin, against us, someone else, or God. This is a breaking not of Man’s law, or an agreed-upon rule, social or otherwise, this is a breaking of God’s law of love, or going against a biblical injunction, or breaking one of the 10 commandments. Anything that amounts to a sin....

Obviously this is a heavily-edited excerpt, but you get the idea. There are different scenarios that each call for their own approach; but when we want to right a wrong, and our heart is FOR THE OTHER PERSON, then we will find our way, we will know which type of apology suits; and when it's too much on our part to give; or too much on their part to ask; or too little on either side. It's all about BALANCING THE SCALES, setting a piece of someone's world to rights; seeking justice, speaking the truth in love, and walking humbly in the wake of mercy.

Forgiveness can change everything.

It's worth fighting for when the need arises, even when we feel (or would like to feel) the 'moment' has passed. This is a mythical moment. The moment doesn't pass. Time doesn't heal; it only blunts the pain... for a time. The fact is doing our best to walk in forgiveness is essential to healthy, robust relationship; to the shape of our soul if we would reach our potential as people who are trustworthy. It's a discipline we can learn to walk in. Even when the other party doesn't show up (my book talks about that too), we can still live in freedom, on the inside, with a heart full of, or open to forgiveness.

And when the CONVERSATION DOES HAPPEN, it's important that the APOLOGY ON OFFER (the one we're offering or the one we're needing from someone else) matches the size and shape of the offense. Some things are little. Some are big. Some hit us right where we live; touch our heart in ways that surprise us. And some seem to float over our heads and we're truly clueless until someone calls and asks, for an apology. Hopefully, in all of these moments; these real moments, this little list can help you do big things; like help set someone's world to rights or to find your own more peace-filled, shining path.