Four steps to thoughtful confrontation

Welcome back to the Amplify Emotional Intelligence newsletter. Twice a month, I’ll share advice and inspiration to help you develop emotionally intelligent leaders and transform your company culture. Together, we can #amplifyei and create more belonging.

Imagine, if you will, a scenario where your colleague missed a deadline leaving you with a late night and extra work. What thoughts might come up for you? Maybe it’s something like:

Clearly my colleague thinks their time is more valuable than mine and doesn’t care that I have to stay late for them…

Or

Just wait until I get a chance to give them a piece of my mind…

Most of us have had thoughts similar to these about frustrating experiences, because when someone lets us down or messes up we’re often quick to make assumptions. And likewise, most of us probably know this internal conversation isn’t helpful.

Whenever there’s friction in a relationship—whether working or personal—it’s important to create space before our reaction so that we can be intentional with our response. To help with this, I offer the COIN model, a useful acronym that reminds us to take a more productive approach to frustrating experiences and the difficult conversations that may follow.?

Inspired by research from Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, I created the COIN model to help people prepare for tough discussions, those where confrontation could get heated or where communication needs extra empathy and mindfulness. By focusing on the actions in the COIN model, you can explore challenging topics at multiple levels.?

COIN stands for:

1. Content: What is the unbiased, factual content of the situation?? What happened? What are the details? Take an objective look at the issue at hand.
2. Observation: Take a step back to observe your emotions without passing judgment on yourself or others. Approach yourself with kindness and curiosity and notice how you feel.
3. Identity: What hot buttons are being pressed? Understanding the root of your reaction will give you clarity on who you are, and can help you draw a connection between the content of the situation and the emotions you observed.?
4. iNtention: Set an intention about what you want to get by addressing the issue. Do you want to be “right,” or do you want to find a better way to work together? Form your communications thoughtfully with this intention in mind.?

Start by running this model from your own vantage point. Then, flip it and answer the prompts from the imagined perspective of another, or use it as a template for your conversation about the experience. Each step will help you separate the experience from emotions, and find your way to a mutually empathetic and supportive resolution.?

As a board-certified leadership coach, keynote speaker, and facilitator, Patrice B. Borders, the “EI Amplifier,"? combines her employment law and human capital practices to help organizations and individuals develop resonant leaders, collaborative teams, and inclusive workplace cultures. Get in touch with inquiries about keynotes and executive coaching, and stay connected by following #amplifyei.