Four Steps to Better Oversharing

Reading this article about the benefits of oversharing in the Harvard Business School blog made me think about how often I stress the importance of candor and vulnerability to create strong relationships. Turns out I was right: The more vulnerable and candid you are as an individual, the more people are likely to trust you. Even if what you’re being candid about is how many STDs you’ve had or whether you’ve ever stolen anything valuable – or so says one of the article’s studies by Harvard researchers. Although I’m sure there’s a specific number at which that kind of candor can turn from “trust” into a “COPS” episode in a New York minute, for the sake of discussion, let’s ignore that.

While it may seem counterintuitive, sharing difficult or even embarrassing information about ourselves shows a level of honesty – and maybe even a little narcissism, but mostly honesty. Fair or not, the research found, people who like to keep their “private stuff private” are often assumed to be untrustworthy, regardless of how benign the information being withheld might be.

Of course, what’s true for the individual is rarely true for teams or organizations, and “oversharing” is just another instance of what’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the farming corporation raising the goose for foie gras. As opposed to when we’re in a one-on-one situation, where people see no news as bad news, we’re usually more likely to give organizations the benefit of the doubt and accept that if there was something we needed to know, we’d hear about it. Let’s just say, until L.A. TV station KCBS did an exposé about the horrendous and unsanitary kitchen conditions in local restaurants in the late ‘90s, no one was counting exactly how many of the worst restaurants they’d eaten in. On the plus side, we now know never to eat in sushi restaurants with a C rating.

So how do you walk that line between “team-building” and “drunk at the holiday party” oversharing? Here are four easy steps to using candor and vulnerability to create trust, instead of awkward silences, among your teammates.

1. Personal-Professional Check-Ins

I love talking about personal-professional check-ins, and I start nearly all of my staff meetings with them. Everyone takes about a minute to talk about what’s going on in their lives in and out of the office – but you, as the leader, must go first and model what the right level of sharing feels like. And that means demonstrating the right tone and vulnerability, but not acting out your innermost dark secret and then dissolving into a pool in the center of the conference table. If your team is functional – sometimes that’s a big “if” – you should be able to learn valuable information about your teammates, whether good, bad, humorous or indifferent, and that will help you work together better. You’ll all build trust. And your team won’t feel like you’re recreating a scene from “Alien.”

Make sure you schedule these kinds of check-ins on a regular basis. Don’t just save them for a special occasion, like anniversaries or department closings. People like to know a little earlier than that what they can do to help the team. Depending upon the size of your team, weekly, bi-weekly or monthly should work.

2. Lead the Brigade

When encouraging your team to overshare, it’s best to ease them into it – by ripping off your own metaphoric Band-Aid. Go first, and embarrass yourself as much as is appropriate. As in personal-professional check-ins, maybe don’t share that you “once shot a man in Reno,” or that you’re really the infamous extortionist D.B. Cooper, but demonstrate the behavior you want from your team. This is especially true if you’re trying to encourage candor and vulnerability, which really builds bonding between team members. No one wants to be the first person to share the trauma of losing a parent while still in high school if all you’re willing to reveal is that you and your spouse are fighting over what matching sweaters to wear to book club.

3. Admit Your Flaws

No matter how successful we might become, we all have difficult insecurities that are hard to shake. But it’s that struggle and discomfort that makes you relatable, human, even likeable. Don’t be afraid not to seem “perfect” for your team. Don’t worry, they already know you’re not, and if you’re not sure what to admit to, just ask them. They each probably have a list of things you “need to work on” and that Venn diagram may not have as much overlap as you think. You can agree or disagree with what your team thinks, but just putting yourself out there and admitting that you’re in the same boat as everyone else will open up those lines of communication. You can also encourage your team members to do the same. All this sharing will bring you closer together and make the team stronger.

4. Encourage People to Laugh at You

Laughter is a brilliant equalizer, especially if you use self-deprecating humor. You’ll never be angry with, or resentful of, someone you can share a hearty or sincere laugh with. So take that opportunity to turn a weakness or flaw into a joke everyone can laugh at.

Don’t worry that you’ll be the only one getting “laughed at.” Use these times as bonding moments. Every joke is another brick in the wall between you and your team coming down. They’ll join in and share their own humble moments if they feel safe and comfortable enough to do so, but you’ll have to show them the way.

Yes, you’ll probably over-overshare the first few times you try it. It’s more of an art than a science, so test it out with your closest friends at work. But take a moment to think first before you overshare in a professional setting. You may THINK sharing that time you woke up in Runyon Canyon naked and covered in bicycle tire tracks is a funny story – and maybe it is, who knows – but consider the audience and its effect. Sharing some hard truths about yourself, in a friendly, safe way, will bring your team closer and encourage greater loyalty.

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