Four secrets to self-acceptance as an introvert

I’ve spent most of my life not liking myself.

Whilst there were several underlying factors for this, my introversion significantly impacted my poor self-image.?

Why? Society appreciates and rewards extroversion; Susan Cain describes it as a cultural bias towards extroverts and she’s right. Introverted traits are viewed as a deviation from societal norms and, from a young age, introverts consistently receive the message that there is a ‘right’ way to behave - and it’s not anything like what comes naturally to them.

The majority of introverts I’ve spoken to describe having felt like an outsider, or misunderstood - especially during their formative years.?

In 2019, speaking at Talent Connect, Glen Cathey talked about how, when he Googled the word ‘introvert’ the top search results were: Is being an introvert weird? and How can I stop being an introvert? Look in any of the Facebook groups for introverts and How can I stop being an introvert? or How can I be more extroverted? are common refrains.

A comment on Susan Cain’s TED talk perfectly summarises the introvert experience:

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Society: Be who you are. Do whatever you think makes you happy.?

Introvert: Sure.?

Society: No, not that way. Like this. It's only like this. ?

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I can relate.?

As a child, my favourite things to do were read, draw and write (I actually wrote several novellas, and an undetermined number of short stories and poems and held the Readerthon record for that time). For me, going to the library was the highlight of my week and whilst I craved the connection of friendship, I only enjoyed having one, close, friendship at a time rather than any form of group situation. This friendship was a treasure to me, ride or die, and I’d always be crushed when inevitably whomever had been my ‘best’ friend would eventually trade me in for someone new, or want to form a group.

From the ages of four to 10, my parents would host a birthday for me at a local chapel hall. They’d invite all my classmates at school and I’d have to sit on a special stool painted with Kermit the frog’s face.

I cried at every party.

My parents thought I was ‘over excited’ but the truth was I was overwhelmed: there were too many people, too much noise and stimulation and, for me, parties weren’t fun.

Yet I thought I was supposed to like them, because that’s what society says is the ultimate way to celebrate a birthday. We’re supposed to love parties; they’re supposed to be a source of pleasure, not dread.

Eventually, I asked to go ice skating with my best friend and, from the age of 11, my birthdays became a whole lot more enjoyable.

At school I was a high achiever, but always awkward socially. I just wasn’t like my peers: I didn’t think like them; I didn’t behave like them; I didn’t enjoy the things they enjoyed.

I didn’t fit in.

As we moved into our teenage years, the way to socialise was to hang out in groups in parks with alcohol, or attend parties. I’d decided I was teetotal and still wasn’t interested in any group situation and so further isolated myself, staying home alone or spending time with one friend only; I was seen as weird and I felt like an outcast.

No one seemed to understand me.

However, I have always been too stubborn to change myself to fit in. I felt the pressure to do so, and internalised the narrative that I was ‘not enough’ in some way, but, socially at least, I didn’t try to become more extroverted. I just withdrew.

I’ve heard of many instances of introverts turning to alcohol, or drugs, to survive socialising, and both the Google search results and most common refrains in Facebook groups illustrate that, for many introverts, the solution is to try and be more extroverted; only then can they be happy.?

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You’re too quiet

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Overwhelmingly, the phrase introverts most commonly experience is ‘You’re too quiet’.

Again, this begins in our formative years, because most school curriculums similarly value the extrovert ideal, and continues throughout our lives.?

In some workplaces, introverts are even being disciplined, or receiving negative feedback, in performance reviews, not because they aren’t competent at their jobs but because unless they pretend to be more extroverted they can be viewed as not a team player, unmotivated, or even rude.

I’ve experienced this myself: despite out-performing on all deliverables in a particular role, I was called to a meeting where I was accused of not being a team player and asked to change my conduct in meetings.

Similarly, I briefly taught in an American High School, on a Fulbright teacher exchange programme, and was taken aside for a ‘conversation’ because I’d been closing the door to my classroom, especially during my non-teaching periods, and that was seen as unacceptable and anti-social; I’d done so because, for me, having the door open meant that the level of external noise, and fairly regular interruptions from colleagues and students, made it hard for me to concentrate on planning lessons, or grading papers. The closed door provided me both with comfort and psychological safety; it was a signal I was in ‘work mode’ because constant interruptions to my thoughts, especially when I am engaged in deep thinking, make it incredibly hard for me to resume that level of thinking and therefore can be damaging to my productivity. That was in 2009 and I still remember the conversation as if it was yesterday.

Events like these can further chip away at our self esteem, as they perpetuate the narrative that it’s not okay to be authentically ourselves. But pretending to be someone we’re not is never the solution; not only is it likely to lead to burnout and/ or mental health issues, but we’re our best selves when we’re our authentic selves.

No one is you and that is your power (Dave Grohl)?

So, when we live in a society where we’re constantly being told that who we are isn’t okay, how can we show up as our authentic selves and, most importantly, achieve self-acceptance?

It’s not easy, but it is possible: I’m living proof.

By being ourselves, we bring a unique combination of traits, experiences and skills to the world; owning your value is the secret to enacting change.?

No matter who you are, and no matter what personality you have, people are going to judge. All that really matters is what YOU think of you.

Often we think we’ll be happier, or able to love ourselves, when we’ve achieved something, such as ‘become more outgoing’ but self acceptance doesn't have special conditions. You are enough, right now, and just as you are.

Secrets to self-acceptance

Here are four ways in which you can develop self-acceptance, and become more authentically confident, as an introvert:

1. Know Yourself

What makes you you? Often we take on identity labels given to us by others but who are you really? It’s worth spending some time thinking about who you are, identifying your values and goals and, most importantly, what you enjoy - Marie Kondo your life! Spending time in nature can often help with this process and/ or you may find journaling helpful. Once you’re clear on who you are, and what you enjoy (this can sometimes be a process of trial and error), saying yes to things that are in alignment, and no to those that aren’t (it’s perfectly okay to stay home all weekend, if that’s what you will enjoy most), will empower you. You’ll step into feeling abundant and start to flourish.?

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2. Identify your strengths

Set aside some time to write down, mind map, or collage (introverts tend to be highly creative, after all) your strengths: what have people praised? What are your past accomplishments? It’s easy to dismiss our superpowers because they come so naturally to us but what’s natural for you absolutely won’t be natural for everyone. For example, I am able to quickly establish a rapport, and trust, with new people and instantly put them at ease and as recently as this week I had a conversation with a friend, also an introvert, who said that he hasn't experienced this at all. Common strengths for introverts tend to include listening, observation and people-reading, writing, creativity and critical thinking. Being aware of your unique combination of strengths will help you to be able to communicate your value to others as well as be able to validate yourself.

3. Stop comparing yourself to others

Roosevelt infamously said, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’; stop measuring your self-worth by the extrovert ideal, because that’s not who you are and the truth is society NEEDS introverts. The reason diverse teams are statistically more innovative is because different experiences, skills, mindsets and ways of thinking generate creativity and ‘breaking the mould’ thinking. If you were more extroverted you wouldn’t be bringing the same value, or having as much impact, because you wouldn’t be bringing anything new to the table. Rather than thinking about how you can be more like your extroverted colleagues and peers, think about how you can be more yourself. Those who don’t recognise your value aren’t your people; don’t waste your precious energy on them. The ability to be, and even enjoy, alone time, makes you invincible!

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4. Communicate

My life got a whole lot easier when I just began owning my introversion and my needs. For example, I recently was participating in a group situation where the facilitator called me out by name, commenting that I’d been quiet and asking if I had anything to add. Whilst this made me feel deeply uncomfortable, and in the past I’d have mumbled something that probably wouldn’t have made much sense, or simply said, ‘No’, and then sat in shame, this time I owned it. I replied that, because I am an introvert, I process thoughts differently and needed more time than this group scenario allowed but would speak up if I had something to contribute. Had the door situation happened now, I’d similarly have articulated why I’d closed the classroom door and why it is a need that will enable me to perform at a higher level. Doing this can feel uncomfortable at first but it can be incredibly impactful, and also often causes colleagues to reflect on the workplace status quo.

By taking the above steps, and doing a lot of inner work, I've finally reached a point in my life where I can honestly say I do like, and accept, myself; I know my value and I'm my own best friend. I'm the most confident I've ever been and it's liberating.

You have the power to reimagine your world, and create space for yourself. You only need to give yourself permission. Being an introvert is one of the facets of what makes you uniquely yourself; learn to love your introversion and you can step into your authentic confidence.

The world will be an even more beautiful place when you allow yourself to shine.

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About Me

I help introverts develop authentic confidence, through coaching, training and digital products, so that they can thrive without having to change who they are, and companies through training, coaching and consultancy, to address the workplace bias towards extroversion.

Through developing my own authentic confidence I have been able to build a life on my terms, working part-time for full-time income, travel solo around the world, work with companies like Google and speak, with confidence, to entire auditoriums. I've already helped thousands of individuals, across 169 countries globally, to develop confidence and communication skills, as well as manage Imposter Syndrome and limiting beliefs. Helping others feel enough is my passion.

If you are an introvert looking to feel more confident, set boundaries to help you balance your time and be able to understand, and communicate, your value to others; a leader looking to better support your introverted talent; or a company committed to achieving intersectional equity and inclusion, DM me or?visit my website, to find out more about how I can help you.

Alternatively, you can subscribe to my email list for additional updates and inspiration; I periodically send out free tools and resources to my email subscribers to help with their transformation. Sign up?here.