Four Reasons for Relationship Drama

Drama. It always seems like it’s because of the other person. She’s too negative. He likes to argue. They waste my time. If only she, he and they would change!

Here’s some hard truth: ?Drama is never about them. It’s always about you.

It was 2011 and I had just published my first book, Stop Workplace Drama. As much as I knew about stopping workplace drama, I had some drama in my personal life. There was a relative who called me regularly to gripe about her life, and there was never any resolution.

When we talked, I tried everything I could to soothe her pain. Sometimes I gave advice. Sometimes I just listened. Sometimes I joined in with my own sob stories, but nothing gave her relief.

With her nothing was ever right. Not her husband, her friends, her weight, her age. Nothing. I heard the same stories so often that I could repeat them word for word. When the phone rang, I said a prayer of thanks for the invention of Caller ID.

My coping mechanism was avoidance. I had been walking on eggshells, avoiding a real conversation; a conversation about how her behavior was affecting me. ?

After some reflection, I decided to be honest the next time she called. I would tell her that her negativity was intolerable. I would tell her that I was struggling to maintain the relationship. I would tell her that something needed to change!

Then, the phone rang. It was her. Without taking so much as two breaths she was off to the races, complaining about her husband, her life, the way she was treated at the grocery store and everything in between.

I broke in, “Hey, I’m sorry but I have to get off the phone!”

She said, “What’s up with you? You’ve done that the last two times!”

“I’ll tell you what’s up with me! I thank GOD for caller ID, because when I see your name I would rather hang myself with a gold rope than to pick up the phone. I am literally sick of your negativity. I can’t take another moment!”

Interesting how avoidance eventually leads to aggression. (I didn't know this until I wrote my fourth book, From Conflict to Courage , and before I knew how to effectively master conflict conversations . )

My aggressive response surprised me, and her next question startled me.

“What do you want?” She asked.?

“Wow. Great question. Hmmm. What I want is that when you have a problem, you receive help. You take advice and you resolve your issues. I want us to laugh, and to have some fun. I want us to stop focusing so much on your problems.”

Her next statement pulled the rug out from under me. “You know what your problem is?”

“What???” I asked.

“You want to fix me and I don’t want to be fixed. I just want to vent!”

“Then let me be crystal clear. Venting is five minutes not two hours. I promise in the future to be more authentic with you. I promise not to walk on eggshells and not to blow up, but I won’t be held hostage to hours of negativity.”

Without boring you with all the other details, we eventually forgave each other. We changed our patterns and we mended the relationship.

Here’s what I learned:

There are four reasons for relationship drama.

1.???? The inability or unwillingness to speak our highest truth.

2.???? The inability or unwillingness to set an appropriate boundary.

3.???? The belief that you are responsible for someone’s success, happiness or well-being.

4.???? The belief that they are responsible for your success, happiness or well-being.

These truths are universal. They work in your personal relationships and in your business relationships. That includes your executives, your employees, your colleagues and your clients.

Oh, and there’s one more truth: You teach what you need to learn.

Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of?? From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via?LinkedIn ,?or at MarleneChism.com and don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.

??

?

?