Four Methods to Connect With People With Integrity

The world is full of people reaching out to connect with others as a 'tactic'. It happens to me on LinkedIn a lot. If people add me and genuinely want to connect, I always say yes. What a beautiful thing it is that someone has found out something about me and it has sparked enough in them in order for them to reach out, which can be a vulnerable things, and connect with me.

But I get a lot of people who have clearly copied the message that accompanies their connection request from some template course or article on how to increase your number of connections on LinkedIn. I usually exchange messages with them, trying to give them every chance to show that they genuinely want to connect - I have a low bar, I'm looking for any sense that they have curiosity about me. Surprisingly often people don't even pretend that they have that (even once they have checked my profile to try and remember who I am). If you want to change the kinds of people you are connected with, for work or for personal fulfilment, or for something else, don't be those people. Here are four ways to do it, with integrity, and while also adding something good to the world, not just trying to trick people into being connected with you.

1) Tell the truth

The actual truth. When a client is getting wrapped up in not being sure what to say when they reach out to someone (or when they talk to their boss or their husband or their girlfriend), I often find myself being the person in their life saying, 'Why don't you just tell the truth?' Of course it's not quite as simple with that, because there are many ways to make the same request or offer, but the truth is a surefire way of not being a slimy networker. And for slimy networkers, I personally would much rather you just said 'I want a higher number of connections to try and sell more of my product and LinkedIn randomly suggested you' than 'I'm in awe of the success you've created' (whilst having a tagline about 'high ticket something' or 'I help coaches do something else'). Listen to, talk to someone about or write about the true authentic thing that you really want to say when connecting to someone. Then try saying it and see what happens. If you want some help, the next three methods might be useful...

2) Create a tribe of mentors

If you want to learn about how to shift into something new, you can't go wrong with sending this message:

"Hi there.

I'm thinking of changing my life/career/the way I work, and I'm really inspired by what you're doing."

Then tell them why, truthfully, and in as much detail as you can why you're inspired by what they're doing. Then say, "I know you must have a lot of calls on your time, but I wonder if you would have any time in the next few weeks when we could catch up on the phone or I could come and buy you a coffee near where you work. I'd love to pick your brains on your journey and how you got where you are - it would make a big difference to me."

The lessons you will learn from people like this are myriad, whether you want to change career, to create more clients like they do, or to create more clients like them or something different. You might think this won't work, but when I was interested in couples counselling, two of the leading couples counsellors in London spent an hour each speaking to me on the back of a message like that. And I only sent it to those two! What I learnt from them was invaluable. Think about it this way: if you got a message like that, what would you say? Well, I'm pretty sure that unless you either genuinely don't have the time or you are a bit of a jerk, you'll say yes. Because you know those conversations were incredibly valuable to you in your journey. They are for everyone.

3) Create a research project

If you want to learn about a new industry so you can later work in it, if you want to create a new kind of work in your business, if you want to cement a new niche, start a research project. It can be just for you, or it can be a podcast or a guide or a 'state of play' report for an industry or a website (or you might have way more creative ideas). You might reach out to people saying something like: "I'm a consultant and I'm running a research project into the biggest challenges and biggest opportunities for start-ups in the sustainable technology field. I'm speaking to leading thinkers in the field and I read about you in the Guardian.I'd love to ask you a few questions, if you have the time. It'll take about 45 minutes and I'm happy to share the results at the end."

Then, after you've spoken to them, or if they say No, ask if they can think of anyone else you should speak to. Then before you know it they are connecting you to people.

4) Connect through service

There's a story about Ray Dalio's principles which is something like this. The 'principles' in question are the rules that underpin Dalio's (spectacular) leadership at his asset management firm, Bridgewater Associates. At the time, Dalio had shared the principles as a pdf for free on his website. The reason it's now also a bestselling book is that a businessman who ran a commercial printing business loved Dalio's principles so much, and thought they should be a book so much, that he made them into a book and sent them to Dalio. The businessman connected with Dalio purely out of service.

Coach Chris Joseph told me he connects with people when he notices what he calls a disconnection. This might be a person full of doubt who, when Joseph looks them up, is incredibly successful. His note might be: "Hey. I looked you up the other day after we met: from the outside you look like an incredibly successful person. I just wanted to share that with you because in our conversation you were sounding full of self-doubt. I wanted you to know that that's not how you look from the outside and I also wanted to make an offer: I'd love to gift you a coaching conversation to get into that and reflect on it with you, if that would be useful. If not, of course, that's totally fine, too." There is a gift for that person in Chris' message, even if they choose not to take him up on his offer. He connects out of service.

Find the way you can support or serve someone who you admire or would love to connect with. Then just do it. Just serve them. Let them know they don't have to accept the service, but just offer it. Who knows where that will lead.

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These stories are not always easy to find or share. Just like 'tell the truth' isn't always enough guidance: you might need some help. But remember, reaching out doesn't have to be a cold call, it can be a gift to the person you are reaching out to and it can be exciting and inspiring and courageous and authentic for you.

Connection is what makes the world go round, so make your connections honest, authentic and you.

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PS An offer for the strange times we are in: a gift of coaching to those feeling the pressure of the uncertainty that is present in the world right now. Three trusted colleagues and I have opened up three slots a week to gift a coaching conversation to people who would value some support in the current situation. This could be used for any number of things: for those for who are struggling mentally and emotionally with all the uncertainty and change; for those whose work is under threat and they need some space to think; for those who want to work out how to serve at times like this; for those who are right on the front line doing work with more pressure than ever before. There's no pressure to become a client, no requirement to be interested in coaching in the long term. If you're curious, book in a session here: https://calendly.com/robbieswale/coaching-in-uncertain-times. And if your girlfriend or old colleague or father-in-law might be in need, might benefit from some time with us, to slow down or to solidify or to see possibility, then know that the offer is open to them, too.

PPS Another offer for the strange times we are in: a preview of the first three chapters of my forthcoming book, The Power To Choose, released now because it is about how to be our most skilful, wise and noble self even when we're in the middle of one of life's storms. And we are in a storm right now. Read it here: https://www.robbieswalecoaching.com/writing/2020/3/23/why-am-i-sharing-parts-of-my-forthcoming-book-the-power-to-choose.

This is part of a series of pieces, written in about twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then posted online. LinkedIn's algorithms don't always show you what people post, so if you want to be sure to know about my other pieces like this, sign up to my mailing list here to hear from me about my writing and other things, or read the archive of posts here.

You can read more about my work as a coach at www.robbieswalecoaching.com.