The Four Horsemen and Feedback

Working with a partner designing a session on feedback last week, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came to mind.

These are the four horsemen who traditionally signal the end of the world – but for our purposes, they signal the end of a relationship.

John Gottman studied the interactions between thousands of couples. Based on observations of their behaviour, he was able to identify relationships that wouldn’t survive - with 90% accuracy.

If left unchecked, the behaviours signalling a relationship was doomed - The Four Horsemen of the (relationship) Apocalypse - are:

Criticism

• Making statements that are blaming, attacking, or insulting.

Defensiveness

• Making excuses, deflecting blame, or avoiding responsibility.

Contempt

• Mocking, being sarcastic, or using hostile humour.

Stonewalling

• Active disengagement, not responding to questions, or looking away.

You can watch the video below to observe these behaviours in action.

If either of the partners exhibited these behaviours, and didn’t change them, the relationship would likely breakdown.

Feedback to Feed Growth

You may have noticed that at least one of the partners was trying to provide feedback in some of the videos.

• Did any of their tactics resonate with you?
• Did you consider which of the four horsemen’s behaviours you most frequently display when giving feedback?
• Did you notice any behaviours you are afraid the feedback receiver will display when you are giving feedback?

Many leaders dislike giving feedback that requires a change and improvement in performance. Yet without that feedback, team members and other stakeholders may fail to achieve their full potential.

Prevention is Preferable to Cure

There are ways to prepare yourself – before and during your feedback giving – to increase the chances of moving from destructive behaviours to constructive engagement.

Criticism

If you find yourself extremizing, with words such as, ‘You never’, or ‘You always’, or you criticize the person rather than the behaviour, consider switching these around:

Say what you feel and what you need.

Rather than:

‘You always let me down because you never submit reports on time.’

Perhaps:

‘I feel let down when you don’t submit your report at the agreed time. Can you respect agreed deadlines in future?’

State the behaviour, rather than attacking a person’s character.

Rather than:

‘You’re undisciplined and lazy.’

Perhaps:

‘Not arriving at the client’s office on time suggests a lack of planning and discipline.’

Defensiveness

If a colleague tends to become defensive when you share feedback, perhaps first seek permission to share your intent:

'I want to see you achieve your potential and grow into a stronger leader. Can I share some feedback that might support your growth?'

You can then expand on your observations.

1.?????? Share observed facts regarding their behaviour and its impact

‘In that meeting, when you didn’t speak up and share more background and detail on your research, you missed an opportunity to show your thought leadership and promote your team.’

2.?????? Ask them how they could have been more effective

Rather than tell them how to improve their behaviour, ask for their own ideas on how they could be more effective.

3.?????? Acknowledge any deflection

If they seek to blame you or raise issues about your behaviour, you could thank them and agree to talk about that later. However, first of all, you want to discuss their behaviour.

4.?????? Create curiosity

If you sense your counterpart may resist any feedback – by pushing back, playing the victim, or finger-pointing ?– you could try to evoke their curiosity.? ‘What was happening for you when….’, ‘I was wondering how you were feeling when I mentioned x’, ‘How is it for you when…..?’

Contempt

If your counterpart tends to belittle your attempts to share feedback, you could try the following:

1.?????? Call out their behaviour

When you mock me for sharing how I view the situation, I feel it is difficult to have an adult conversation with you.

Would you be willing to discuss the situation as adults, without any cynicism?

2.?????? Listen to them

Listen fully to their cynicism or sarcasm, and pause after they have finished. They may recognize that their behaviour is destructive.

If you listen to them and they don’t recognize the unhelpfulness of their behaviour, you could ask them how they hoped to build a stronger relationship with that display.

Once they have finished showing contempt, you could paraphrase what they are saying in adult language, such as, ‘From what you said, it sounds like you feel I….’

Your counterpart might then step up their level of communication.

It's important to note that of all the horsemen, contempt is the most damaging to a relationship.

Stonewalling

If you find your comments being met by a wall of silence or your counterpart turns away and ignores them, you could:

1.?????? Ask them to speak up

‘I appreciate you aren’t happy with this situation/me. If you could share your feelings, perhaps we could discuss how to resolve this situation.’

2.?????? Provide space

‘It seems you aren’t ready to speak to me about this. Can I come back in an hour to discuss this with you?’

3.?????? Ask them for their suggestions

‘It seems I am not supporting you in a way that works for you. Can you suggest ways in which I could be better at communicating with you?’

These are just some suggestions for handling the four horsemen.

Feedback to Feed Growth and Healthy Relationships

Giving feedback to colleagues and stakeholders is critical to building mutually respectful, satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

To foster such healthy relationships, it is essential to constructively challenge the behaviours of the four horsemen - and to check your own communication for signs of any of the four horsemen rearing their unhelpful heads in a situation where feedback is being exchanged.

Your tone of voice, your ability to display genuine empathy, your speed of delivery and your body language all play a major role in successfully engaging a counterpart under the influence of one or more of the horsemen.

Enjoy mastering your ability to give and receive feedback.

Andrea Stone is an Executive and Team Coach, working with senior leaders in multi-cultural organizations to improve their all-round success.

?Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership