The founder journey - a wife's perspective

I’m the wife of a founder.? I’m also a psychiatrist.??

Observing my partner’s founder journey over the past several years, I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the long and hard and oftentimes grueling journey of a founder and propose a few reasons on why that may be, and tips to address them.

My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years.? We actually met during college orientation, when we were both 18, and have been together since then.? Over the years, I went to medical school, finished residency, and had three babies during residency and my first job in a large hospital.? He went to graduate school, was a consultant and then an investment banker.? Both of us were busy.? We were overworked, stressed, bone tired, not sleeping, and stretched to the max.? Ultimately, we learned that we can do hard things.? Really hard things.

But I will tell you that this last journey of being in a relationship with a founder of a venture backed company has been one of the most challenging.? I hope to share with you my observations, and also share some humble tips on getting through this journey, not only as a partner, but also as a psychiatrist with founders in my clinical practice.

1. It is lonely, so make sure you have your people.?

?The role of a founder is one filled with aloneness.? Of course having a co-founder can alleviate this, but what if that co-founder leaves?? What if the leadership team changes?? Being the face of a company is hard.? Even to start a company, you have to project confidence and hold utmost conviction of the undoubtable success of your company.? Who can you share your inner doubts with?? And who could even begin to understand those doubts?

I am a supportive partner.? But I am also a fed up, angry, resentful human being who has limited patience with my husband when he goes off on business trips and can’t do his childcare and shuttling duties, is distracted with work, and leaves me with the majority of the mental load of caring for our family and the running of our household.? I can only support him so much.?

When I encourage people to get external support, be it from coaching or from therapy, the concern I hear is that these professionals would not truly understand their situation, or have experiences applicable to their situation. Although general support is oftentimes very helpful, I can understand this concern.??

In my practice, I offered groups for women struggling with infertility.? However, the feedback that I got was that it was too general.? Women wanted situations that were specific to them.? For example, going through infertility after having a child was different than for those without children.? Or using your own eggs was a different experience than women going through IVF treatment using donor eggs.? People wanted to have situations that were more specific and nuanced, and get support from others who faced similar challenges.

This may be also true for you, founders.? If so, be persistent.? Ask around and get the support that you need as there are people out there with the specific qualifications you need.? In addition, peer groups can be wonderful as well, and there are many growing options out there.??

But don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, colleagues, support groups, and mental health professionals that have specific experience to yours.? The inertia oftentimes leads to doing nothing, which will leave you feeling more alone and isolated.? And no matter how supportive your partner is, they can’t always provide enough to break through that moat of professional loneliness.

2. Accept that there is a sizable amount of distress inherent in the journey.??

This journey can feel impossible, because oftentimes it was, until you made it possible.? Being an entrepreneur is hard because there is no playbook, no set of Standard Operating Procedures that can guide you.? No one knows, because no one has ever done exactly what you are trying to do before.? It not only feels like driving a bus while changing the tires, but more like driving a bus while changing the tires while bushwhacking through wildlands, while drawing a map and paving new roads.? All at the same time.????

There is simply a terrifying amount of uncertainty in the journey of a founder.? Studies such as this one, “Uncertainty and stress: Why it causes diseases and how it is mastered by the brain” demonstrate that uncertainty causes stress.? To manage the uncertainty, our vertebrate brain will actually divert energy and resources from everywhere else.? If we learn how to manage that specific uncertainty, we can attenuate the stress response and start to feel better with the decisions we have to make.

However, with constantly shifting “threats” and ongoing new uncertainties inherent in the founder’s journey, our acute stress responses shift and become chronic stress.? Our brain becomes the “Selfish Brain” to manage the onslaught of uncertainty.? It diverts energy to itself at the detriment of our emotional and physical health.? Ultimately, it increases the likelihood of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and more.

Many jobs and career paths are very, very challenging.? But the extent of uncertainty as a founder adds a significant layer of challenge that can be especially draining and taxing to one’s emotional and physical health.

Because of this constant uncertainty and distress, it is important to acknowledge this as a core part of your leadership journey, and take extra steps to address this, which I will speak to in point 5 later.

3. Separate out the distress.??

As a founder, you will feel uncomfortable and unsure of yourself, plagued with Imposter Syndrome, second guessing yourself and criticized at every turn.? But that doesn’t mean you hate your entire job or are no longer right for your role.??

There are so many instances when a founder will want to give up because they are feeling a significant amount of distress.? “Maybe I’m not right for the role.? Maybe it’s time to step down and find someone else.? Maybe I’m an early stage person, not the right one for a later-stage company.”

It’s important to separate out the feeling of distress, because when we are uncomfortable and feel distressed, we simply feel the entire burden of distress (purple cylinder as in the diagram).? We forget to identify that there might be multiple reasons for that distress.? The distress from the job (portion in blue below) itself might only be a portion of the entire distress we are lumping together and feeling. *Obviously simplified for illustrative purposes, as there may be many different reasons for overall distress.

?Just like when we work out, get our teeth cleaned, or take an exam, we expect that there will be an inherent amount of pain or discomfort that just comes with the process.? And we persist through it.? It doesn’t mean that we give up on working out, practicing good dental hygiene, or not progressing in our academic/professional goals.? By acknowledging a certain amount of distress inherent in the process (i.e from the uncertainty as in point 2), it can be more palatable and help sustain you for a bit longer.??

“Do I want to step down because of my job or my performance in the role itself?? Or is it because I’m shouldering so much uncertainty and fear?? What can I do about it if it’s the job?? What can I do about it if it’s due to uncertainty or the journey?”

By mentally clarifying what exactly you are feeling distressed about, you can start to have more control over how to manage a more specific and targetable cause of distress.

4. Make sure to breathe, even though there is never really a vacation.?

As a physician, I’m used to planning out my life a year in advance.? I’m used to only getting one week off at a time, and many times not getting coveted holiday spots due to call requirements.??

When my husband was an investment banker, more than half the time, his vacations would get canceled at the last minute.? I got used to planning vacations with my parents because I realized there was no point in planning a vacation with him most of the time.? However limited these vacations were, we were still afforded opportunities to fully relax.? Someone else was covering, and that meant a big deal psychologically.? We were OFF.

Once my husband founded his company, I realized that even though we had more flexibility of putting ourselves on vacation, we never really ever escaped the weight of the entire company.? There were 6 of us on vacation - my husband and I, our 3 children, and his company.

That invisible tension was nearly palpable, even in the remotest of locations, trying to get as far as possible from the workplace.? On road trips, every billboard would be a possible customer.? Take pictures of national monuments?? No. My kids would get used to taking pictures of delivery trucks so he could look into the company to see if it could be another client opportunity.? Legal pitfalls were always possible and beckoned at the door.? Some superstar at his company was threatening to leave and he would have to break away to reach out to keep them.? The company was always with us.??

And even though technically it might feel impossible to entirely shut off work with an arbitrary vacation, it is so important to release the weight at times, and find moments where you can truly experience the joys/wonder/connection that life outside of your startup can offer you.??

When my husband would get to an especially stressful time, he would sometimes think he needed to physically remove himself to get a break.? Month long silent retreat? Yoga based getaway?? Bootcamp style heavy duty workout weekends?? Sure, yes, but…

I pointed out to him that he didn't have to go on a month-long silent retreat to get a break.? (And honestly, I’m not that supportive of a wife to have let him go on that trip leaving me with three children at home).? I believe that it is important to find that break and reprieve in a way that’s accessible in our busy lives. ? Look for it in everyday moments.? The way the light reflects off that puddle?? The smell of fresh rain?? The moment your kid can tell a funny joke and you really belly laugh???

Fully allow yourself to be in that moment, even the smallest of moments.? Learn how to integrate these moments into your daily life.? The more you practice, you can learn to increase the moments, and maybe enjoy a full hour, and then a day.? This takes practice, just like everything else.? Allow yourself to breathe, whenever possible, and not just at designated vacations or retreats.

5. Do NOT forget the basics.??

There is just too much stress and uncertainty.? As above, I believe that the magnitude of uncertainty exacerbates the level of stress that founders face.??

My husband was never a runner.? Until the pandemic started, he didn’t believe he could even run.? However, running has now become his biggest stress reliever.? Sleep, diet, exercise, stress management, nurturing your passions, faith, quality time with friends and family - those are all things that can be overlooked and de-prioritized.??

In my clinical practice, I literally will hold up a paper calendar (and yes, this is shamelessly done to tech founders that look at me with absolute horror) to review the dates/time/location/priority level these fundamental practices will take place. They are basic, sure, but they are basic because of how crucial, effective, and fundamental they are to your overall emotional well-being.? Make them happen.? Get an accountability partner.? Put it on your calendar.? The mind/body connection is real.??

Uncertainty, stress, and distress can lead to significant emotional and physical repercussions if you don’t manage it.? So manage it like it’s your job.? Your company is depending on it.

I thought we would be in this journey for 3 to 4 years, max.        

My kids were babies, and I truly did not know what we were getting ourselves into.? My eldest daughter is now in high school, and we are STILL in this!? No matter how pushed you feel to grow rapidly, it is still important to find a way to make this journey sustainable.? And of course, don’t forget to celebrate the joys and successes and hope and brilliance along the way that make it all worthwhile.