Founder Doubt

Laying awake all night is never a good thing.?

In place of sleep my mind raced, like a long distance athlete running round the same track. The same thoughts doing 'laps' in my brain, over and over again, with no finish line.?

In previous times of stress I’d learned techniques to quieten my brain, to stop having the conversations with myself that would keep me awake. I’ll be forever grateful for the book? “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. But the truth is I never finished it, because I got to the point where it?gave me back the 'gift of sleep', so didn’t read to the end.?

I lay there berating myself for this failure, whilst having the following internal dialogue:

Me 1: “Well it’s just like you to start something and not finish it isn’t it Nic. And who the hell did you think you were to be able to get Womanship off the ground anyway… and as a solo Founder!

Talk about stupid.

You’re behind with?every, single, milestone you set, and you’ve not achieved anything? In fact you’re incapable of achieving anything.”?

Me 2: “Oh god.? I’ve really messed up this time.”

Me 1: “How are you going to face the world when your ‘Womanship’ becomes just another failure to add to your list??

And how, Miss Failure, are you going to face your friends, let alone your poor parents?"

Me 2: “Hmmm.

Maybe… jumping off a very high building could help?"

Me 1: “Now that’s not a bad idea!

Especially when you think of the money you could have earned if you’d stayed in ‘gainful’ employment…have you seen your bank account recently?”

Me 2: “Oh god, why did I ever think I could make this work?”

Me 3: “...and why the f*$k have my night sweats returned worse than ever tonight?”

Needless to say, in the morning I got out of bed in a mild, okay, full state of panic.?

I tried to ‘work’ but my mind had completely shut down. I wanted to scream for help but didn’t know who to call. Anyone close to me, out of love, would have reassured me it was all going to be alright, but how could they know.

I considered metaphorically ‘jumping’, disappearing and leaving this big mess behind me…but my bank account isn’t in a position to support life, let alone a flight to the other side of the world.

Frozen in panic I stared at my phone for what seemed like hours. Then I wrote, and accidentally pressed send, on a text:

“Are you free for a quick call?”

“Yep, now?”

Looking back, I know why it was Estelle.? As the co-founder of a? ‘scale up’ company, StellarUp, my tech partners, I knew she'd been through her fair share of ‘start-up’s and downs.?

As I sobbed down the phone, she helped me reframe my thoughts and create a new narrative, a much more honest analysis of the situation, that I'd lost touch with in my sea of self-doubt:?

Me: “Well, I’ve taken on a huge, and complex, challenge with Womanship. There is no roadmap, no one to follow, but I’m creating my own path based on research and what I believe I need to do to make a difference.??

I have a great tech partner in StellarUp and I’m slowly, but surely, building a following of women and Wellness Professionals who resonate with the Womanship concept.?

I have a wonderful team of volunteers who contribute their expertise, time and energy… all because they too believe in our mission.?

Yes, I’ve missed my milestones, but mainly because of the incredible learning journey I’ve been on, meeting so many incredible women in the process. Maybe the milestones were always unrealistic in light of the journey, and the fact is I’m only one person (wearing so many different hats I could open a chain of milliners).?

I’m making small steps forward, day by day, and am lucky enough to be living my purpose. So even though things are not working out exactly the way I’d planned, I am trying.?

I need to be kinder to myself and realise that, even though progress is not as quickly as I may have wished for, I am moving forward and I’ve grown so much in the process.

And I think my friends and family will always love me, even if I do fail, as they’ll know that I’m putting my heart and soul into it.”

Thank you so much Estelle (& Julian who knocked on my door that evening with additional reassurance) for getting me back in the saddle…

…but I’m still at a loss as to why my night sweats have returned worse than ever!