Founder Blues

I just posted my Popsmith founder's story- full video is up on YT .??

What you're not seeing in this video is the worst kind of hell I was in the midst of while making it. My brother, while reviewing all the footage and editing it, texted me after: "Man, you were not doing well. I wanted to go back in time and hug you."

Too many founders only highlight the wins and never give audiences candid details into the paralysis, terror, financial stress, sleepless nights, depression, unbearable pain, and debilitating challenges that can easily break you. Or the lengths they'll go to deal with the pain - counseling, medication, alcohol, recreational drugs and, in extreme examples, suicidal thoughts.

The first half of 2024 has been the toughest stretch of my career, bar none. Over the course of 6 months I experienced the following:

• My business was in a cash crunch and I needed to liquidate stock and inject cash back into the business.?
• Ad spend was out of control, reaching 50% of revenue and completely unsustainable.
• We had to let go of our entire domestic team.
• Several personal startup and real estate investments valued at over $1 million had gone sideways.
• I was tending to the health affairs of my father who had suffered a heart attack and stroke and was now entirely dependent on my brother and me for everything.
• My 11-year-old dog started vomiting, which led to a battery of tests and many visits to the vet.
• I lost a special person in my life and it shattered my heart into a thousand pieces.
• My business partner Dave was experiencing health issues that had him in and out of hospital.?

The level of anxiety I experienced was so acute that I couldn't make it through most nights without waking up at 2 am with nightmares, terror sweats, and panic attacks which I had never experienced before and it was fucking scary. I would open my eyes in the morning with zero motivation to get out of bed. After lingering for 30-45 minutes, I would reluctantly get up, only to collapse on my carpet into a fetal position and lay there, paralyzed, sometimes crying uncontrollably.

I did everything you're supposed to do: changed my diet, exercised daily, meditated, journaled, wrote down everything I'm grateful for. It simply wasn't enough and I couldn't escape my mental hell. I tried keeping most of this away from my family and friends but they could all see it and were concerned. I remember attending my nieces' graduation and as I approached my family, I could feel my entire body shivering uncontrollably. I had to turn back to my car and drive away. I felt like I was unraveling and I couldn't keep myself from mentally spiraling with catastrophizing thoughts.

The work was mounting and I couldn't bring myself to do any of it. I would sit down at my computer, become completely daunted by the volume of work, immediately start to panic, then pull away, grab my dog, and go for a walk around the block. Some days I walked him every 15 minutes. Several weeks went by where I barely got any substantive work done.

On my next weekly call with my partner Dave, I straight up told him I'm not doing well. Our business was sinking and yet I recognized that I needed to temporarily pull away and put my mental state first. I was saddling him with nearly all responsibility and felt terribly guilty about it. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I was failing him, failing my friends and family who bet on me, and I was failing myself.

But I knew that my mental state was a business liability if I didn't do something about it.

In desperation, I called my doctor and pleaded for help. I was prescribed Buspirone, a low dosage anti-anxiety medication to help. I had never taken anything like it before and felt judgmental of myself, ashamed, weak, and a failure. But I also knew my mental state was untenable and I needed to take swift action.

I opened up to my family and friends. I leaned heavily on them. Too many to thank but you know who you are and I'm eternally grateful for your grace and your love.

I had a great call with an entrepreneur buddy who advised me to begin my day with a "win the day" journal where I outline 3 things I'm going to set out to accomplish that day, and prioritize accomplishing them. I desperately needed wins and forward momentum, however small.

In the early days of that journal, I had the most basic tasks outlined like "Take my dog on an extra long walk" and "Respond to one email" and "Call dad and tell him that you love him".

Slowly things started turning around and I'm, thankfully, in a better place.

I reflected a lot on that experience and wanted to share some insights for any of you who may also find yourself in a dark place.

1. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that life can be tough at times. The waves keep coming and sometimes you get hit by three tsunamis all at once that will bring you to your knees. It happens to all of us. It's okay to roll up into a ball and cry. It's okay to feel, it's part of the human experience. One thing I've learned, time and time again, is just how resilient we all are. Hell will come, but if we just keep going, one step at a time, we'll get through it and there will be brighter days. Remember it, believe it, and if you don't believe it, talk to a trusted friend and have them remind you. Kindness to me meant walks in the park listening to a podcast, dinner with my family, weekend trips, playing with my niece, drives up and down the coast, hugs from my girl, ice cream, pizza, Theo Von, and a hard workout.
2. Lean on your friends and family. Be honest and authentic. Set your pride aside and tell them you're not doing well and that you need help. Self-love means knowing you're worthy of other people's love. This took me many years to internalize.
3. Get medication if you need it - antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications work. They don't have to be a forever thing - sometimes we need them to get through particularly difficult times in life. Set aside your judgments and try it if you feel you need it. Medicine is there to help our bodies heal. And that includes one of our most important organs, our brain.
4. If you're seeing nothing but losses around you, create opportunities to see some wins. Even small wins. Particularly small wins. Even wins that have nothing to do with your business. For me that meant taking extra long walks with my pup. It meant showing up for my mom and dad, taking them out to dinner every week, being there for them. It meant spending time with my brother and niece. It meant sometimes just writing one work email, accomplishing one small task, and calling that a good day. Something magical happens when you start focusing on ways to win. Suddenly you start looking around and seeing other opportunities to win. Like when you're considering buying a particular car and suddenly you see that car everywhere. The opposite is true too. When we're riddled with fear, we end up only seeing everything that is wrong with our business and our lives. When you change what you focus on, you change your outcomes.
5. Create rituals that help put you in the right mental state. To me that meant going for a jog and listening to inspirational mashups on YouTube. It meant getting out of the shower, looking myself in the mirror, and stating "YOU'RE A TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS." I didn't believe it at first, but I started to after a while. I have a brass lion on my TV stand. After my morning stretches, I would rub that lion's mane, close my eyes, and pray to God to give me the strength of a lion to make it through my day.
6. Toss some Hail Marys. They're low probability of success but when they do, they could help you win the game. In my case I cold shipped a popper to the CEO of Williams Sonoma and got her attention, now we're getting Popsmith into Williams Sonoma this year. I found some random application process for Costco and filled it out with my personal and brand story, and that somehow got in front of the head buyer of housewares who reached out to me directly and we're now about to launch on Costco.com ! I cold shipped dozens of poppers with personalized notes from me to higher order founders and entrepreneurs I respect and many got back to me offering to help!

We're not out of the woods but we're seeing positive movement with the business. Our ads are performing better, we're getting better with our creative, we're about to launch on Costco and Williams Sonoma, Amazon is taking off, we're putting out great/authentic content, and we're gearing up for what will hopefully be a monster Q4. We're launching a new fundraising campaign to ensure we have enough cash to get us through seasonality.

We will make it through. This is what we founders do. Sharing this with everyone here to help any of you going through similar struggles, business or personal. You're loved, you’re worthy, and you’re not alone.?