Fostering Healthy Communication Through Expressing Needs

If expressing needs to ourselves and others promotes self-awareness, fosters healthy relationships, facilitates conflict resolution, supports emotional wellbeing, contributes to personal growth / fulfilment and empowers us to live authentically and assertively. Then, why do so many of us struggle? How can we support ourselves and others to better express individual needs?

Written in British English.

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In my coaching and supervision work as well as lived experience I have noticed some people (including myself occasionally) struggling to:

• Be in tune with their own needs
• Articulate these needs to others
• Putting personal needs before others (being much more comfortable giving rather than receiving)

This can bring up self-worthiness, guilt and all sorts of complex emotions and thoughts often rooted in our beliefs, conditioning or cultural expectations.

In this article, my aim is to foster greater understanding and to encourage self and others to communication needs particularly when struggling to do so. It is less about having these needs met by others. Rather, encouraging a more empowered approach in meeting our own needs as well as communicating with others in a nonattached win-win way that encourages reciprocity. Practising self-compassion and kindness along the way as this is a process.

Later, I'll draw upon my learning from people who I've found to be very good at expressing their needs as well as frameworks / theories that may provide useful insights and perspectives.

What Kind of Unexpressed Needs?

Granted needs can differ from person to person but here are some common examples that I have observed:

1. Striving for meaning and purpose in our actions and contributions. Exploring our values and living in alignment with these as much as we can. Existential sense making. Articulating this need often requires introspection and self-discovery as well as constructive dialogue and support from others.
2. Creative expression - in its very broadest sense and not limited to specific art forms. This can be found in everyday activities, personal hobbies and innovative problem-solving.
3. Emotional support and understanding. We hear a fair bit about self-regulation yet co-regulation in my opinion is just as important. We often require validation, empathy and a safe space to express our emotions. To be seen, heard and understood - the alchemy that comes from the act of being witnessed with compassion and non judgment. How many spaces or relationships do we have where we can do this safely?
4. Likewise, as pro-social beings we have a need for connection and belonging. Our very survival depended upon it once upon a time (being part of a tribe and as babies). Forming meaningful relationships, being part of a community and feeling accepted is crucial to our wellbeing - an antidote to the 'loneliness epidemic.' Despite yearning for such connection people may struggle to communicate this need for companionship or take steps towards forming fulfilling relationships.
5. A sense of autonomy and independence - having control over our own lives, decision making and personal aspirations. Hesitation to express this need may show up as fear of appearing selfish or causing conflict.
6. The desire for recognition of accomplishments and contributions. Having people who are rooting for us and to celebrate wins. It can be uncomfortable to openly seek validation for fear of judgment or rejection.
7. A need for personal growth, learning and self-improvement. This could involve acquiring new skills, pursuing passions or expanding knowledge. This need may be left unexpressed for reasons such as uncertainty or lack of support.
8. Feeling secure and safe is a fundamental need for humans - physical, emotional and financial safety and security. We may hesitate to express this need to avoid discussing fears and vulnerabilities.

It's important to note that these needs can vary from person to person and some people may find it easier to express their needs than others. Modelling, creating an open and supportive environment can encourage individuals to communicate their unexpressed needs. In turn, supporting healthier communication and relationship dynamics.

Some notable theories and frameworks that provide some useful perspectives on the complexities of human needs are included below. They may complement or overlap with each other.

Attachment Theory - John Bowlby

Attachment theory emphasises the innate need for close and secure emotional bonds with others. It suggests that humans have a fundamental need for attachment and that the quality of early relationships influences emotional and social development throughout life. Read about the four attachment styles.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Psychologist Abraham Maslow categorises human needs into a hierarchy encompassing five levels and often represented as a pyramid as follows:

1. Physiological Needs- survival such as food, water, shelter and sleep.
2. Safety - personal security, financial stability, employment, access to resources, health and wellbeing. It also encompasses protection from physical harm and an environment that is stable and predictable.
3. Love and Belonging - affection and a sense of belonging. Emotional relationships, friendships, intimacy and acceptance within social groups and communities. Giving and receiving love and forming meaningful connections.
4. Esteem Needs - gaining recognition, respect and self-worth. Esteem encompasses both self-esteem (feelings of confidence, achievement, and self-respect) as well as external esteem (recognition and validation from others i.e. status, reputation and social recognition).
5. Self-Actualisation - individuals reaching their full potential and feeling fulfilled. This involves pursuing personal interests, developing talents, skills, and engaging in activities that align with your values and purpose.

In later years, Maslow proposed the concept of self-transcendence - a higher level of psychological development beyond self-actualisation. Transcending one's individual self and connecting with something greater or beyond oneself, such as a greater purpose, spiritual or philosophical beliefs, or a sense of unity with others and the world.

Individuals can experience a shift in focus from personal needs and self-actualisation to a broader sense of connectedness and purpose. It represents a state of being where individuals find fulfilment and meaning by looking beyond themselves and contributing to the greater good through service.

Six Human Needs - Tony Robbins

Tony Robbins has identified the following six universal human needs that drive our behaviour and shape our lives. How individuals prioritise and fulfil these needs may vary however understanding them can help individuals gain insights into their motivations and take actions to meet these needs in a more balanced and fulfilling way.

1. The need for certainty - desire for stability, security and predictability. We seek certainty to feel safe and avoid pain or discomfort. It involves having a sense of control over our environment and knowing what to expect.
2. While certainty is essential, humans also have a need for uncertainty / variety, novelty and excitement in order to avoid boredom and stagnation - often through new experiences and challenges that help us grow.
3. Significance - the need to feel important and valued. The desire to make a difference, be recognised and to have a sense of meaning and purpose. Significance can be fulfilled through achievements, status, contributions or making a positive impact on others.
4. We are social beings with a need for connection and love as well as belonging. Both giving and receiving love, forming deep connections and feeling part of a community.
5. We have a natural inclination for personal growth learning, and development. We strive to improve ourselves, acquire new skills and expand our knowledge. Growth involves continuous progress, self-improvement, and the pursuit of our full potential.
6. The need for contribution involves a desire to contribute and make a positive impact on others. We find fulfilment and purpose in helping others, making a difference in the world and leaving a lasting legacy. Contribution can take various forms, such as acts of kindness, service or philanthropy.

Self-Determination Theory (SDT)

Developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, SDT suggests that humans have three universal psychological needs:

1. Autonomy - the need to have control and choice in our actions
2. Competence - the need to feel effective and capable in our pursuits
3. Relatedness - the need for social connections, belongingness and meaningful relationships

The Three Needs Theory by David McClelland

This theory purposes that humans have three fundamental needs that are developed through our culture and life experiences:

1. The need for Achievement - desire for success, setting challenging goals taking calculated risks and accomplishing tasks
2. The need for Affiliation - the desire for social connections, approval, collaboration and harmonious relationships
3. The need for Power - the desire to have control and influence over others, competition, winning, status and recognition

Spiral Dynamics

A theory of human development and social change developed by Clare W. Graves and expanded upon by Don Beck and Christopher Cowan. It describes a model of human consciousness and cultural evolution, focusing on the values and world-views that drive individual and collective behaviour. While Spiral Dynamics does not explicitly categorise needs in the same way as Maslow's hierarchy, it provides insights into the underlying values and motivations that influence human behaviour.

In Spiral Dynamics, human consciousness is represented through a series of "memes" or value systems, each associated with particular needs and perspectives. These memes are organised into a spiral-like model, with each level building upon the previous ones. Each level represents a different worldview and set of values - individuals and societies may transition between these levels based on their life circumstances and developmental growth.

While Spiral Dynamics doesn't directly identify needs, it suggests that individuals at different levels of consciousness prioritise and value different things. For example:

1. Survival Needs - At the early stages of the spiral, individuals may be primarily concerned with meeting their basic survival needs, such as food, shelter and safety. The focus is on immediate survival and self-preservation.
2. Group Identity and Belonging - as individuals progress to higher levels, there is an increased emphasis on social connections, group identity, and belonging. The need for affiliation, acceptance and a sense of community becomes important.
3. Personal Achievement and Success - At certain stages, there is an emphasis on personal achievement, success and gaining recognition. The need for personal growth, accomplishment and self-esteem drives behaviour.
4. Universal Values and Humanitarianism - As individuals move to higher levels, there is a shift towards embracing universal values, empathy and concern for the wellbeing of others. The need for fairness, justice and compassion becomes more prominent.
5. Integration and Wholeness: At the highest levels, individuals seek a sense of integration and wholeness. The need for self-actualisation, self-transcendence and a connection to something greater than oneself emerges.

It's important to note that Spiral Dynamics is a complex framework that goes beyond the scope of categorising needs in a hierarchical structure. It provides a lens through which we can understand the values, motivations and developmental stages that influence human behaviour and societal evolution.

Here's a more detailed blog that I wrote on Spiral Dynamics.

Why Does It Matter?

Expressing our needs to ourselves and others is crucial for several reasons:

1. Self-Awareness - expressing our needs allows us to become more self-aware. By identifying and articulating our needs, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, our desires and what is truly important to us. This self-awareness helps us make informed decisions, set meaningful goals and live in alignment with our values.
2. Healthy Relationships - communication of needs is vital for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Openly expressing our needs allows others to understand us better and fosters understanding, empathy and connection. It helps create an environment of trust and mutual respect, leading to more fulfilling and supportive relationships.
3. Conflict Resolution - when needs are left unexpressed, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise. By clearly expressing our needs, we enable others to understand our perspectives, address any discrepancies and work towards mutually satisfying (win-win) solutions. Effective communication of needs can help prevent misunderstandings, minimise conflicts and promote harmonious relationships.
4. Emotional Wellbeing - suppressing or ignoring our needs can negatively impact our emotional wellbeing. Unmet needs can lead to frustration, resentment and a sense of dissatisfaction. By expressing our needs, we give ourselves permission to prioritise self-care, seek support and take values aligned actions thereby nurturing our emotional wellbeing.
5. Personal Growth and Fulfilment: Expressing our needs is an essential aspect of personal growth and fulfilment. It empowers us to pursue our passions, set boundaries, and engage in activities that bring us joy and satisfaction. By expressing and actively working towards fulfilling our needs, we create a life that aligns with our authentic selves and supports our overall growth and happiness.
6. Empowerment and Assertiveness: Expressing our needs is an act of self-empowerment and assertiveness. It allows us to take ownership of our desires, advocate for ourselves and actively participate in shaping our lives. By expressing our needs confidently and assertively, we establish a stronger sense of self-worth and agency.

Struggling With Expressing Your Needs?

Here are some suggestions that may help:

1. Reflective Practice - Take the time to reflect on your own needs and desires. Ask yourself what is truly important to you and what you need in various aspects of your life, such as relationships, work, or personal wellbeing. Journaling or self-reflection exercises can help you gain clarity.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance and Compassion - Recognise that your needs are valid and deserving of attention. It's essential to accept and embrace your needs without judgment or self-criticism. Remember that expressing your needs is a natural part of being human.
3. Start Small and Build Confidence - If expressing your needs feels challenging, start with small steps. Practice expressing simple needs or preferences in low-stakes situations. Gradually build your confidence by gradually expressing more significant needs over time.
4. Use 'I' Statements - When expressing your needs, use 'I' statements to take ownership of your feelings and experiences. For example, say, "I am feeling..." or "I need..." It is important to do this without being accusatory or assuming others' intentions. This helps to communicate assertively without putting others on the defensive.
5. Seek Support - If you find it challenging to express your needs, consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or coach. Discussing your struggles and receiving support can provide valuable insights and encouragement.
6. Practice Active Listening - Remember that effective communication is a two-way process. Practice active listening when others express their needs, which can create an environment of reciprocal understanding and empathy. By modelling attentive listening, you can encourage others to reciprocate and understand your needs as well.
7. Set Boundaries - Establishing clear boundaries is closely linked to expressing your needs. Recognise your limits and communicate them assertively. Setting boundaries helps protect your wellbeing and ensures that your needs are respected. Similarly, it's not in our control if people respect our boundaries but it is within our control how best to respond considering our own values and needs
8. Cultivate Self-Care - prioritise self-care as a way to meet your own needs. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally equips you with the energy and resilience to express your needs more effectively.
9. Practice Assertiveness Techniques - Learn and practice assertiveness techniques, such as using 'I' statements, expressing your needs directly and maintaining confident body language. These techniques can help you communicate your needs with clarity and conviction.
10. Celebrate Your Progress - Recognise and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Overcoming challenges in expressing your needs takes time and effort. Give yourself credit for every step you take towards becoming more comfortable and effective in expressing your needs.

Expressing our needs is a valuable skill that can enhance our wellbeing and contribute to healthier relationships. Being patient with ourselves as we continue to work on it - remembering that it's a process of growth and self-discovery.

Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it ~ Greg Anderson

Your Thoughts

What other ideas or theories may be useful to share?

What resonated or was insightful?

Where might you disagree?

Sobia Iqbal

https://pegasuswellbeing.com

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