Forty years of "Unsung Heroes": #7

Ralph Ainsworth is next up in my pre-retirement roll of honour of people I've worked with but feel have been under-appreciated.

When I first met Ralph Ainsworth he was a junior media buyer at The Media Shop in Glasgow. An enthusiastic Aberdonian entrant to an industry that I was about 5 or so years deep.? We had little in common and I only knew him in passing, nodding terms I suppose. He was good at his job.? Popular.? A bit of a cheeky chappie.? Little was I to know that 20 years later our relationship, and my appreciation for his unique approach to work and life, would deepen considerably.

Chapter Two was at STV in the early teenies, more than 20 years later.? By now we were both bald and he had moved from TMS into a, I think, temporary role in business development at STV.? For some reason I was designated his boss, even though I was a contractor, and part time at that.

The initiator of this unlikely coupling was David Connolly, an absolute legend of the media world with a temper like Donald Trump when his orange face dye runs out.? Connolly made me look meek by comparison, but I loved working for him and his often unfiltered pronouncements on individuals that had spoiled his day, one way or another.? Despite his bravado and bearish persona David was actually a lovely guy, generous to a fault and great fun to work with.

As I say, he put me and Ralph together and we quickly built a bromance, centred partly on my little red MGF soft top sports car that I’d drive to Glasgow each day, picking up Ralph, en-route, in Linlithgow – only a 20 minute diversion – no, you’re welcome Ralph.

(He drove an unremarkable Volvo, that I was ‘ambivalent’ towards.)?

This irked Ralph.?

Come rain or shine the hood was down and Ralph, the actual definition of a pussy, would complain about any form of inclemency.? But he (we) loved those hours together on the way to and from Glasgow, me doing all the work, he droning on about the temperature.? Towards the end of my STV stint Ralph declared that he would miss “our” car.? Cheeky bastard.? He hadn’t even bought a teaspoon of fuel, yet, had assumed part-ownership.

This period incorporated the Scottish Independence Referendum and both of us had staunch and vocal opinions, both supporting an independent Scotland and willing, at any turn, to rip the shit out of any unionist that was featuring in the news.? Indeed, it was a time that started our regular election nights at mine, often with Ralph sleeping over.? I’d devour a bottle of whisky, Ralph two beers and then cups of tea with Jeana, whilst I fomented and raged at the TV.

This was the time that I identified Ralph’s biggest weakness.? His complete disregard for time keeping.? I wouldn’t say it was a fault, more a fundamental disregard for humanity.?

Two stories make me chortle.? The first, after a client meeting, when he handed me and a colleague, I wish I could remember who it was, his briefcase for safekeeping while he went for a quick pee (another feature of life with Ralph).? Whilst he was micturating, me and fellow accomplice spotted a pile of rocks nearby and thought it would be hilarious to stuff several of them into his briefcase.? Ralph said nothing on his return about the significant increase in weight of his satchel and proceeded to spend the next six hours or so lugging it around Scotland with a near broken back.? How we laughed.

The other reintroduces David Connolly (or DC as he was known).? Ralph had been on a business development meeting with an STV client that was both a very large spender and a renowned tough nut.? In the absence of the said tough nut (TN) Ralph had repaired to the client’s canteen with a junior member of his team to make the presentation that he (and I) had slaved over.

In it was a ThinkBox slide that claimed that good TV ads stimulated the amygdala in the brain.? It was pretty wanky, admittedly, but not treasonable to include it in the deck.? After all, it came from the industry authority, so we saw no reason to remove it.? However, half way through his presentation and on the amygdala slide TN ventured into the canteen and spotted Ralph enthusing about the amygdala-stimulating benefits of TV advertising.? TN decided it was indeed wank, and was indeed treasonable.? After a rant he furiously called DC to ask him why his staff were wasting HIS staff’s time with complete and utter toss pottery slides.

Cue DC’s famous fury.? He called me.? I was on Torphican Street (I can still picture it) when the screen of my phone lit up.

I had to hold the phone at arm’s length to soften the torrent of screaming invective from DC…

“Have you seen the fucking presentation that Ralph Fucking Ainsworth just presented to T fucking N?”

“Eh, yeah.”

“The amygdala?? The FUCKING amygdala?.? Why the fucking fuck is Ralph fuckling Ainsworth presentIng FUCKING AMYGDALA slides to Fucking TN?”?

“Eh, it’s a ThinkBox slide”

“I don’t fucking care if it’s FUCKBox.? Get fucking Ainsworth sorted out.”

As they say, nobody died.? Nor should they.? But let’s just say that slide was removed from future presentations.? But, yes, TV DOES stimulate the amygdala.?

Sorry Ralph.

Ralph’s at Skyscanner these days.? Having changed zero percent.?

He’s in my unsung heroes series because he has never really been recognised for how great he is at what he does in this industry. Despite being a Don’s supporting, late running, pussy he is one of the funniest men on the planet.? He has a ferocious work ethic.? He’s better than most people I know at what they do.? He’s generous - and legendary with the NABS Music Quiz scoreboard.? Clients adore him because he never, ever lets them down.? His attention to detail is superb and, although one of the most popular people in the business, he retains a relatively low profile.

If you don’t know him, and you ever meet him.? Tell him Gorman says he’s late and he’s a pussy.

Ralph, I love you man.