Forming New Habits – A Guide to Lasting Change

As a Confidence and Resilience Coach, I spend a lot of time with my clients working to understand what it is about their lives they enjoy and want to do more of, and what it is they want to “stop and drop”.

This can be careers, people, actions, hobbies beliefs and/or mindsets.

Often to get to their version of success, we look to set new goals and make changes (or shifts as we like to call them in my industry); some subtle and some substantial.

This guide will give you a few quick wins to help you figure out what it is you want to shift and what to do to start make lasting changes.

I wish you all the best in your journey to your new-found self.

Getting Started

People think they need motivation to see results, but the opposite is true... you get motivation when you start to see results.?Therefore, waiting for the motivation to kick in to start is a sure-fire way to never achieve anything.

You need to respect the importance of just ‘starting’.

Habits need to be instilled before they can grow, so instil them small and manageable. If you go in all guns blazing, you will lose momentum, run out of steam and likely not have the tools and knowledge you need to get anywhere beyond feeling a failure.

Pick an element of what it is you want to achieve and set about doing that, consistently.

Say you want to make time to read every single day, but you find it hard to find the time to read enough, or you feel guilty spending wonderful, solo ‘me’ time when there’s kids to feed, a dog to walk, a house to clean, a report to write and a gym membership to use.

Instead of saying ‘I will read a book a week’, choose a book that you really fancy the sound of, make a space for it next to your bed and read for 5 minutes… congratulations, you’ve started!?

Don’t worry about finishing it.?Don’t worry about the next one on the list.?Don’t worry about how many books you need to read by next month. Just pick it up and open it.

?

Keep It Small and Simple

In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about the guy who spent months going to the gym for 9 minutes.?

Getting out of bed early, leaving the house in the cold and dark, finding 45 mins 4x a week and sticking to new, painful workouts were all too many things to combat in one go.?He knew he wouldn't instil a habit with so much change.?He reasoned in all likeliness he would either lose steam, or he would go in too heavy with little knowledge (fitness), hurt himself and then not return for months.

However, he knew that once the ‘going’ part of the gym was an established habit and as part of his morning routine as brushing his teeth, he could build on work-outs and slowly increase his fitness at a healthy and achievable rate, which he recognised as consistent ‘wins’.

You may be thinking, ‘that’s ridiculous, and I haven’t got the patience to wait, I want results!’, but I can guarantee you this guy got consistently better results over his 6 months in the gym than you did in your 3 weeks of 60 mins workouts that ended in a pulled hamstring.

Let’s revisit the reading example.?

You may wish to read 2 books a month, but if you’re currently rarely reading 2 pages a month, you’re asking a lot of yourself.?Try setting an alarm every morning at the same time, set a timer and reading for 5 minutes.?Once sitting down with a book is as much a part of your day as your morning coffee, you can build on the habit and shift your morning around to find the time you want and need to meet your goal.?

You’ll be amazed how much of your day is negotiable once you start to value an action over others.

?

Consider Your Environment

Have you considered how your environment impacts on your conscious and unconscious habits?

We all know that if the chocolate is in the top cupboard rather than a bowl on the side, we are less likely to reach for them.?We also know that if we are more likely to exercise when we leave our gear out the night before.?But how might our environment be impacting beyond these cliched recommendations?

We are wired to perform hundreds, if not thousands, of unconscious actions (habits) every day.?Think of those things you do and don’t quite remember doing; chewing your food, zipping up your jacket, how your fingers move when you tie your laces, etc.

These habits exist so our brain can save energy by placing everyday actions on autopilot, leaving more juice for heavy stuff.?They also tend to be triggered by their environment.

For example,?if I asked you to chew with nothing in your mouth, zip up a jacket in a sauna, or do up laces on shoes not on your (or your child’s) feet, you’d have to stop and think about it before doing it.

Let’s consider a couple of examples of how a change in environment can help us wire new habits.

Many people say they want to watch less TV and spend more time talking with their family, but nearly everyone’s living room is set up so all the chairs face the telly.?If you moved the chairs for a week so that you needed to make extra effort to get comfy in front of the TV, you’re less likely to switch it on mindlessly and instead only make a concerted effort for programmes you particularly love.?You are also more likely to enjoy your TV time more when you do watch it because it becomes an event you have geared up for – popcorn anyone?

Another example that comes up regularly with my clients is an exasperation around a want to do something which they are passionate about but still find themselves procrastinating, such as writing a book. ?

A little bit of deep diving tells us that the space set aside for creative writing is a messy desk (messy space = messy mind), a location that’s linked to distraction and mindlessness (sofa) or one that is associated with mundane and/or hard work (9-5 desk).

Taking the time to find an alternative space dedicated to your creative thinking would undoubtfully provide you with more inspiration. This could be elsewhere in your home, or perhaps somewhere entirely different, like a coffee shop. In time, you would associate this space with creativity, and you will find that the environment triggers you, i.e. sitting in that spot and opening your laptop with a latte and chocolate muffin next to you sparks your brain into writing mode.

Take time to consider what needs to change for you to be provided with an environment which will trigger your new habit, rather than those existing habits which don't serve you anymore.

Visualise It

Did you know that your brain cannot tell the difference between real and imagined?

This is why affirmations and gratitude journaling are so powerful if done consistently and with intent.

It is also why you can talk yourself into believing you are subpar or undeserving by repeating negative talk to yourself with conviction (disclosure: we all do this!).

If you take time to really visualise what it is you want to achieve, and imagine yourself with everything you want, it makes it easier for your brain to accept the idea as a fact (i.e. ‘I will write a book’) which in turn makes mapping a pathway to this achievement much, much easier. ?Each time you need to step up in your every day life to meet your aim, your mind is more likely to adapt a mentality of ‘well this seems a logical step considering we will achieve this’ rather than ‘are you mad?!’.

If you struggle to envisage yourself with the new habit as a standard, try drawing things that represent you/it, journaling as if it’s achieved in the present (i.e. “today I am happy because my book has been published.?This feels etc….”) and meditating on the idea.

Once you can see yourself fully in your success, ask yourself ‘right, ok, what is the step before this?’ and note it down. Ask again, and note it down. Ask again, etc.

The beauty of this process is not only does it allow your brain to accept your aim, it also allows you to understand how much work and time you really need to put into achieving it.

Knowledge is power after all.

For example, say you say ‘I want to be fully qualified by X’ but when you work back it’s not possible to complete the pre-course in time to make the entry date for that class. ??With this knowledge you can adapt your aim so that you can still achieve your success and not be defeated before you started.

Which leads me on nicely to …

Actions Not Goals

Us human beings have a nasty habit of thinking in finite terms and seeing everything as an end goal.

We are vaguely aware that we do this because of the memes about life being a journey, those italic inspirational Instagram quotes reminding us to be ‘present’ and sayings about ‘getting there is half the fun!’.

But in defence of cheesy Instagram accounts, they have a point.

Don’t get me wrong, goals are great things to have - many of my clients work on figuring out what they really want to achieve and how they might achieve it - but they should be loose, open to change with new knowledge and in no way finalistic.

Instead of a singular end goal, focus on consistent, measurable and achievable actions… lots of somethings achieved regularly, rather than one big THING which we may or may not get.

There’s a myriad of science and logic behind why actions are better, but here are 5 key points to consider:

1. Neuroscience:

Your mind is mapped physically via the repetition of thoughts and actions. The more you do it, the thicker the pathway. The thicker the pathway, the easier it becomes to do and think.?

Therefore, if you want a new habit to stick, you need to do it often and with intent… doing an action once will not make a dent on your mapping and make long-term changes incredibly difficult.

?2. 6 Week Wall:

We are wired to hit out against a new habit at 6 weeks. It's when you question everything around you and find excuses to slink back to your comfort zone. You can’t help it, it’s science - and why the gym empties mid Feb.?

A singular goal is a higher wall to climb. Instead, smaller actions are easier to rationalise and negotiate with yourself over.

3. You Don’t Know How:

You decide you will lose 2 stone by March despite not being armed with any knowledge.

By Feb you realise it’s going to take till June at a pace that is healthy... and that's without that big holiday booked in May!

Because your goal is finalistic (lose X by Y) rather than undefined (get healthier from now), you’ve already lost. This is where the visualisation practice set out above really helps, and allows you to amass that much needed knowledge before you wed yourself to an outcome.

4. Missing Out:

If the goal is CEO, the journey is your career.

Say you achieve CEO at 55 having thought of nothing else since you were 17 with ruthless focus. You then retire at 60.?That’s 5 years of 43 appreciated; how depressing!

This is the equivalent of the saying ‘life is what happens while we’re busy making plans’; if you only value the end goal, you may find yourself missing out on a lot of really amazing experiences, relationships and opportunities.

5. Two Options:

There are two main outcomes of ill-thought out goals: a) never achieving (i.e. feeling a failure), or b) achieving them and thinking 'now what?'

Finite thinking leads to feelings of failure, despondency and over/underwhelm.?

I can put my hand on my heart and safely say one of the most common reasons clients come to me is because they have achieved ‘the career’, they have ‘the family’, ‘the house’ and have had ‘the holidays’ but they only feel lost and alone.?This is because they put value on the end goal without really understanding whether that version of success was really everything they wanted.

Get Creative

The main reason you want to start something new or leave something old (action, hobby, people, careers, mindset...) is because the current situation does not work for you.?

You know the Einstein quote “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”? Well, this applies to establishing a new habit too.

Don’t be afraid to get creative and try new things.?

Cynical of meditation? Do a 15-minute guided one.?Not big on art? Get yourself some colouring pencils and draw out what you want.?Tend to keep your own council? Tell the world of your aims and dreams.

What have you got to lose?

Or more to the point, what have you got to gain?

Enjoy It, Embrace It and Celebrate It

Whatever it is you want to change, shift, lose or find, you are doing this purely for yourself.?

Sure, others may benefit – you may become a better husband, mother or leader – but really these changes are entirely for you.?So do your best to enjoy them. ?

Embrace the good, celebrate the wins and reward yourself for getting beyond the hard stuff.?Remember, we are building new habits so we can enjoy Every. Single. Day.

Make an effort to remove the finite out of your mindset; we are not aiming for the Taj Mahal, we are just in the practice of laying down bricks.

And lastly, don’t forget that lots of little somethings can make a big something.

As do lots of little nothings make a big nothing.

Happy habit building!

?

?

?

?

?

?