The Forgotten Leader… Self Leadership A Summary from MaineStay 2024

This October, I had the pleasure of attending a conference where Dr. TJ Holloway delivered a compelling talk on the forgotten leader... ourselves.

When it comes to learning about leadership, there are countless books on leading teams, organizations, businesses, and even political groups. But rarely do we find books or resources focused on the need to lead ourselves.

These books are often categorized as “self-help,” and we tend to pick them up when we’re searching for answers—when we need to understand ourselves better or learn how to improve. But the conversation about self-leadership should start long before we feel the need for change or survival.

Dr. TJ Holloway’s speech resonated with me in many ways. It wasn’t just the words he spoke or the visuals on his screen; it was the structure and flow of his presentation that made it so captivating.

We all have them. We’re all aware of them. But we rarely talk about them. I’m referring to the thoughts and actions we keep to ourselves—our secret self.

Dr. Holloway spoke about our three selves. First, there’s the Public Self, the version of us that our neighbors and social media know. Then, there’s the Private Self, shared with our family and closest friends. Finally, there’s the Secret Self, the space where we live in our thoughts, hidden from everyone else. It is in this secret self where we often struggle. And this is where things can go, and are wrong.

During Dr. Holloway’s presentation, he listed the struggles leaders commonly face. Although the focus was on leadership, this list could easily apply to anyone. It started with challenges like communication, adversity, and hard conversations but as the list went on it got deeper—alcohol, anger, drugs, pornography, infidelity.

These deeper topics caught my attention. While I personally don’t struggle with these issues, I’ve known others, and have been close to others who have. In fact, I think we all can name someone close to us who has, at one time or another, faced these struggles.

So, what leads someone down the path of addiction, whether it’s to substances, pornography, or infidelity?

The answer: We allow our secret self to take control. We use these escapes as a release from the stressors of reality.

There are many skills needed to be a great leader. One of them is the ability to balance your job at work along side with your responsibilities at home. Both areas require attention, but they’re not always treated equally. We often get caught up in the excitement of business—the thrill of negotiations and connecting with people—while the pace at home might feel slower or more chaotic (depending on your situation). We still struggle to find balance. Leaders, in particular, may reach for quick thrills or stress relievers. And it’s this secret self that could use some extra support in dealing with those challenges.

Dr. Holloway suggested an exercise: Draw a pyramid and at the base, the widest part, write your number one value. As you move up the pyramid, continue writing your other values. Then, make it a habit to live by these values every day.

I had one question for Dr. Holloway, and before I could ask, he answered it:

What if your values change over time, or differ in different areas of your life?

I’m not the same person I was at 19. Today, I value time and meaningful connections more. I value conversations, respect, honesty, and appreciation. While I once primarily valued family and friends, I now place a higher value on the depth of my connections with others.

My value pyramid has become more defined over time. If my values don’t align with those I’m connecting with, it’s time to move on. For me, it’s about enjoying my time and feeling comfortable and confident with the people around me.

To live by my values, I’ve made significant changes in how I interact with others. I’m more direct, focused, and engaged. I’ve realized that to have meaningful relationships, I need to be fully present.

Living by our values means this: If we expect to be heard, we need to speak up and ask for it. If we want to feel connected, we need to show up and be present. And if we want respect, we need to be honest and true to ourselves.

The key takeaway from Dr. Holloway’s speech is that while indulging in the secret self might feel rewarding or exciting at times, it’s not our true, honest self. It leads to hurt, anger, and resentment. If we can’t share it with the world, it’s probably wrong.

So, I challenge you to look at your values pyramid and ask yourself: Are you living each day by these values? When was the last time you checked in with yourself and asked, "Am I being honest with myself, and what can I do to be better?"