Forgiving My "Fake Fiance" For Stealing Company Funds

Implement These 5 Steps to Let Go of Grudges and Truly Forgive Others

The following is adapted from One People One Planet.

Hundreds of studies have been conducted on the concept of forgiveness. From these studies, we have learned that harboring grudges and refusing to forgive others results in anger, hurt feelings, and embedded anxiety—and it’s these negative emotions that do damage to our mind, body, and relationships.?

Obviously, some of us have an easier time forgiving than others. All of us, though, can develop this attribute in our lives if we are willing to invest the time and effort.?

A number of forgiveness therapy programs have been developed in recent years. They all follow a similar process with specific steps for learning to let go of grudges and truly forgive others. Here are five steps I believe are the most effective and practical to implement.

#1: Understand Forgiveness

Learning to forgive others starts with understanding what forgiveness is and what it is not. It is important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean simply telling the person he or she is forgiven, excusing the person for his or her actions, forgetting the experience ever happened, continuing to include the person in your life, or staying in an abusive or unhealthy situation.

Forgiveness is not something we do for the person who has offended us. It is something we do for ourselves, whether the other person deserves it or not. As the research suggests, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is making a conscious decision to purge the poison from our own mind and body.?

To truly forgive, we need to reflect on the situation, accept the reality of what happened, realize what the anger is doing to us, and decide to let go of the negative emotions so we can heal ourselves. This process takes time, effort, and commitment; it is more than just saying the words, “I forgive you.”

#2: Understand the Offender

Along with understanding what forgiveness is and isn’t, to let go of grudges, we must also understand the person we believe wronged us. Let me give you a personal example of what I mean.?

I was in my office one morning when I received a call from a police officer. He asked if I had given my fiancée permission to use our business checks to buy personal items. I was confused because I had been happily married for 15 years. It turned out this woman had broken into our office and stolen a packet of checks. She was using them to buy clothes around town and telling the sales clerks she was engaged to the owner of the company.

When I met with the officer, he showed me a picture of the woman and told me her story. She had a tough life, had gotten involved with the wrong crowd, and was committing petty crimes around the city. I wondered what her life had been like. Where did she grow up? How was she raised? What steps put her on this difficult path? Why did she believe committing crimes was the solution to her problems??

I didn’t know the answers to these questions, but I started feeling sorry for her, and my initial anger began to dissolve. We got our checkbook back, received credit for the items she had purchased, and there was little harm done. I felt genuine empathy for this woman and hoped she could resolve her problems and find greater happiness in her life.

By understanding our offenders, we are in a better position to forgive, even though it can still be difficult. If we can transcend our ego and change our behavior, people who offend us can do the same thing. Understanding who they are, why they act the way they do, and their inherent potential for change can help us develop greater empathy, compassion, and occasionally even affection for them.

#3: Reflect on Positive Outcomes

None of us want to suffer through painful experiences, and we don’t want our friends or family members to suffer either. It is ironic, however, that our hardest experiences in life are often our greatest teachers—even if we don’t want them to be.

When people offend us, contemplating five questions will make it easier to forgive. First, we can ask ourselves why we are feeling anger and resentment. Second, we can consider what we have learned from the experience. Third, we can reflect on what new skills or attributes we can develop. Next, we can think about how we can learn greater empathy for our offender. Finally, we can ask ourselves how we can use the experience to help others.

Although we can’t always control the offenses people commit against us, we can control how we respond to these experiences. I don’t want to imply that turning serious offenses into positive outcomes is easy. But when things beyond our control happen to us, we can either harbor anger and bitterness, or we can figure out how to use these experiences to improve our health and happiness.?

#4: Become a Line Etched in Water

The best way to extend forgiveness to others is to not take offense in the first place. As we develop our capacity to forgive, we transition from a line etched in stone to a line etched in the ground to a line etched in water.?

In this state, we don’t let harsh words, disagreements, and offenses from others linger in our lives “just as a line etched in water quickly disappears and does not persist for a long time.”

So how do we become a line etched in water? Buddha’s concepts of “impermanence” and “nonself” offer great insights. If we recognize that all things are constantly changing and that we don’t have a permanently fixed self, it is easier to not be offended by other people.?

In other words, the person who may offend us today will not be the same person tomorrow. Likewise, we will not be the same person tomorrow that we are today. Hence, there is no reason to be offended as we sojourn together along the path of personal development.

#5: Forgive Ourselves

Finally, our ability to forgive does not become a lasting virtue until we also learn to forgive ourselves. As human beings, we all make mistakes; it is part of life. It is important to reflect on our actions, learn from our mistakes, try not to repeat them, and then let them go.?

When we harbor hard feelings toward ourselves, we poison our mind and body, just like we do when we hold grudges against others. When we let our mistakes go, we purge the poison and enjoy greater health and happiness.

Forgiving ourselves is often harder than forgiving other people. The challenge is overcoming the mental chatter that accompanies offenses we commit. If we make a serious mistake or continue to repeat minor ones, our minds become megaphones of habitual thoughts: “I can’t believe I did that.” “I’m not as good as other people.” “I can’t recover from this.” “I’m a real loser.” These are fabricated messages being broadcast in our minds that simply aren’t true.?

To squelch these pesky voices, some counselors prescribe a symbolic act to signal letting go once and for all. For example, we can write down the offenses that nag us and then burn the piece of paper. We can also put symbols that represent our mistakes in a box and then bury it in the ground. Next, we need to replace the false messages when they surface with true statements about ourselves, which will eventually produce more optimistic thought patterns.?

Enjoy the Positive Outcomes of Forgiveness

Learning to forgive is one of the most powerful things we can do to bolster our own happiness. Here is an analogy that will help illustrate why: A few weeks ago, our dishwasher flooded the kitchen floor. From past experience, I knew I had to fix it quickly.?

If it continued to flood, it would damage the floor, seep through to the basement ceiling, destroy the sheetrock, damage the light fixture, spill onto our pool table, warp the wood, leak onto the basement floor, and damage the carpet. I would have a huge, expensive mess to clean up.?

The same thing happens when we hold on to anger and grudges. The negative emotions continue to spread and harm us emotionally, socially, and biologically. But when we learn to forgive and let go quickly, these negative emotions dissipate, and we enjoy the positive outcomes of forgiveness.

For more advice on how to let go of grudges and truly forgive others, you can find One People One Planet on Amazon.

Michael Glauser is an entrepreneur, business consultant, and university professor. He has built successful companies in the retail, wholesale, and educational industries and has worked with hundreds of businesses—from startups to multinational enterprises—in leadership development, communication, team building, and organizational strategy.

Today, Mike serves as Executive Director of the Center for Entrepreneurship in the Jon M. Huntsman School of Business at Utah State University. He’s also the Director of the SEED self-sufficiency program, helping people around the world to improve their standard of living and benefit their communities through entrepreneurship.