Forgiveness: The Sister of Acceptance
Forgiveness if traced back, is a sibling of Acceptance.
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To put it in perspective, I think we can link one emotion to another. We are pretty aware of which emotion results in another or what stems from what.?
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Anger if not controlled turns to Rage and Hate, while little Kindness in the moment of hardships stems from? Trust and fosters Love.?
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So you see, there is a little village of emotions and they live there. And in this village, I find Forgiveness related to Acceptance. It feels like they have a sisterly bond.?
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Forgiveness is one of those words and acts that many people avoid because of the connotations they attach to it. As a general rule, people think that if you forgive someone, you're approving or justifying their actions.
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Forgiveness has long been associated with the idea that you have to force yourself to like the offender or that you are okay with their behaviour in order to forgive them.
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The concept of acceptance, on the other hand, differs significantly from that of forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be achieved if you are able to accept what happened and put it out of your mind. Acceptance implies that you're willing to accept the past as it is and to move forward with a clear goal of creating a better future for yourself and your partner. Let me be clear: Acceptance in the actual sense does not mean that you have to forget the occurrence, nor does it mean that you have entirely overcome the suffering being imposed on yourself.
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We must go through a long process of acceptance before we can say we've accepted the situation. It's easier said than done, but if you want your relationship to last, you have to be willing to accept each other's flaws.
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In this sisterhood between Forgiveness and Acceptance, the latter leads the way protecting and nurturing the former like an elder sister. As we will move further in the blog, we will understand the interconnectedness of Forgiveness and Acceptance.?
Eight Emotion Families: Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions
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Through years of studying emotions, American psychologist Dr. Robert Plutchik proposed that there are eight primary emotions that serve as the foundation for all others: joy, sadness, acceptance, disgust, fear, anger, surprise, and anticipation. (Pollack, 2016)
Image Source: Researchgate.com
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Psychologist Robert Plutchik developed the model you see above.? Joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust are all included in this list of the most basic human emotions. Using Plutchik's wheel of emotions, these eight primary emotions are organised depending on their physiological functions. An "ice cream cone"-shaped replica unfolds to reveal the emotions wheel.
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Emotions, as you'll see, are made more understandable through the use of this framework. (Neuroscience of Emotions and Values - xMonks)
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Since the blog title says, we are here to see only Acceptance. Now Acceptance is a member of the admiration family. As we move further from center to outside, other emotions such as trust and love are also mentioned.?
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From the wheel, it is clear that trust and acceptance have a relation.
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Trust is tricky.?
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One of the most important foundations of any relationship is a trusted connection. When trust is broken, the individual who was deceived may suffer greatly because it might change the course of the entire relationship. We've all been injured or betrayed to some degree, but how much? In most cases, our willingness to forgive the person who betrayed us depends on the nature of our connection and the degree of hurt we are experiencing.
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The only person who has to live with the consequences of whether or not you choose forgiveness is you, it's critical to remember that. In the end, carrying a grudge is an easy choice, but it will not serve you well in the long term.
That’s when you welcome forgiveness in your life.?
Understanding Forgiveness: What is Forgiveness?
Almost all religions emphasise and promote the need of forgiving others. Religions as diverse as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and the Buddhist and Hindu traditions, as well as the ancient Hawaiian ritual of Ho'oponopono, call for forgiveness and healing.
Forgiveness is more than simply letting go, moving on, and offering mercy; it's an act of self-reflection and self-improvement. Forgiveness should also entail empathy, understanding, and compassion for those who have harmed us. I understand that this may seem like a lot at this point, but what we want to achieve through the process of forgiveness is overcoming negative feelings such as resentment and revenge and replacing them with positive emotions and attitudes.
No matter how small or large the offense, we've all experienced some form of emotional pain at some point in our lives. Over time, anger and resentment can turn into a major problem if they persist. Affects our emotional well-being, drains our energy, attacks our immune systems, and makes us tense.
Before I go any further, I quickly want to tell you what forgiveness is NOT, so we all know what we should expect:
Let me tell you a small story about Forgiveness to keep the momentum going.
Fran the Frog was the best chef in the whole forest. There were all kinds of delicacies that Fran was popular hence his restaurant was always busy.?
One day, Toby came to the restaurant.? When Fran's fine creations were brought before him he complained, saying those weren't good.?
Fran came out of the kitchen to see what the problem was, and Toby told her that these dishes weren't good enough for him. This made Fran so offended, and furious, that she went to the kitchen, came back with a frying pan, and whacked Toby squarely on the forehead.
A slight scuffle ensued.
Later Fran realised she should have controlled her temper, and she kept asking Toby to forgive her. Tony was so angry and demanded to hit her in return.?
Everyone tried to calm Toby down, but Toby would not accept an apology.?
Fran felt awful for having bashed him, so she tried everything, even offered exquisite drinks for free.?
But Toby was insistent, it had reached the stage where he was almost getting out of control.
An old owl entered the room and said,?
“Wait Toby, you can give her a whack after I've broken your leg. Remember that you are the reason why I have to walk with these crutches.”
Everyone gasped and Toby didn't know what to say.
He recalled, that when Toby was small, he got into a fight with young wolves because of his habit of speaking harsh. The owl saved Toby, but in the process lost his leg.?
Toby remembered that it had all happened because he had been highly disobedient, but he had never given a thought to Reddit until now.
Toby now realised he was being very unfair to Fran.?
The owl said, “Everyone, including himself, makes mistakes sometimes. And if we are to return blow for blow, wound for wound, all we are doing is prolonging the damage.”?
Seeing Fran feeling so sorry, and doing everything she could to put things right, Toby decided to forgive her and accept the apology.?
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??????????: You don't have to wait for an apology in order to forgive. And in fact, we shouldn't.
Forgiving someone is not the same as making up with them. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn't require justice to be done or apologies to be offered.
Forgiveness isn't an external action, but rather an internal state of letting go of anger and resentment. It's something you do for yourself, not for the person who hurt you.
Think about it.?
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Forgiveness is a form of self-care for the mind that we need to do if we want to be at peace. Simply put, forgiveness is letting go of anger or blame toward anyone who has hurt, offended, or insulted you in the past. It means being okay with things not going the way we want them to. But it's hard to give a general definition of what it means to forgive because everyone has a different idea of what it means. The most we could say is that each person decides for themselves what it really means to forgive.
Now that we know what forgiveness is, let’s go in the direction of the Art of Forgiving and Accepting.?
The Art of Forgiveness and Acceptance For A Life Free From Regrets
When we look back on our lives, we often feel remorse for the things we have done, the people we have hurt, and the mistakes we have made.
We haven't changed, despite the fact that time marches on. If you've ever lost a friend's trust because of a mistake you made, I'm sure you can recall the exact moment.
You patch it back together, no matter how many cuts you suffer on your hands in the process. We strive to restore certain things in life only when we construct something that resembles the original, but is never quite the same.
The act of trying to repair something can result in more harm than good sometimes. Some lines are crossed, and no matter how hard we attempt to retrace our steps, nothing will change. Your hearts bear a concealed scar as a result of the new experience. You must learn to live with the pain.
We hide things from those we care about in order to protect them. It would be better for us not to tell them when someone speaks ill of them since we don't want to see them suffer even a little bit because of what others say.
To justify our behaviour in the mirror, we sometimes lie to ourselves and do things that others won't like. The problem with falsehoods, though, is that they inevitably come to light. As skeletons in a closet, individuals hide the truth from others when it is unpalatable.
So, how do we deal with things that we escape from, conclusions that never come to an end, or departures that don't say goodbye? In the process of discovering who we are now, how do we forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made and the people we've wounded in the past?
Forgiving yourself for the mistakes of the past is the first step. Sit down and take responsibility for what happened; don't blame anyone else. You may never receive the apologies you think you deserve, and you may never be able to rescind the words you have said that have injured another person.
You can't allow yourself to be consumed by regret for a mistake you made. It's important to remember that we wouldn't be people who learn if we never made mistakes. Learning and progressing slowly is an important part of who we are as human beings.
In the process, some things are ruined and destroyed, but others are strengthened and improved. Even if you wish you could go back in time, you can't.
It's only by looking in the mirror and accepting responsibility for our own actions that we can learn to forgive ourselves, others who have wronged us, and the situations in which we have been wronged.
No matter how many times you apologise, some people will still refuse to accept it. Because they didn't try to heal the relationships or forgive themselves while they had a chance, many people on their deathbeds are haunted by the guilt that has consumed them for so long.
Regardless of how major or minor your mistakes are, you must be able to forgive yourself. You're trapped with yourself for the rest of your life because of what they've done to you. It's time to let go of the past and look to the future with hope.
What If You Can’t Forgive?
It's a typical fallacy that once you've been deceived, your only choices are to forgive or to hold a grudge against the person who wronged you. In point of fact, this is not the case. You also have the choice of the third, less common option, which is full acceptance. If you are not mentally and emotionally prepared to forgive, you cannot make yourself do it.?
Acceptance can be thought of as the first step on the path to forgiveness. You can make peace with the wrongdoings committed by the other person by employing the acceptance strategy. Your goal should not be to get retribution or to fixate on the betrayal, but rather to discover the motivations behind it. Acceptance without forgiveness is nevertheless an important step in the process of moving on.
Forgiveness takes time and effort to achieve on a deep level. Holding on to our resentments has a purpose in terms of our mental health. Our animosity serves as a shield to keep us safe from additional emotional harm. In order to forgive, we must let go of our wrath and fear of re-injury. Forgiveness, like resentment, puts us back in the position of being open to the other person's insults.
But achieving true forgiveness is a freeing experience. We regain control of our thoughts and behaviours when we truly forgive someone who has wronged us. It has the potential to strengthen our fundamental belief in the rule of law and order. Forgiveness helps us feel more connected to others and to ourselves, enhancing our feeling of purpose and desire to live.
Forgiveness is not a "completely and only" or "all-or-nothing" proposition. After forgiving another person, you may still feel resentment and difficulty in your relationship. No matter how much you want to believe it, forgiving someone isn't always the best thing to do, especially when you're dealing with someone who is hostile or egotistical.
It's difficult to forgive and accept because after you've done so, you stop thinking about what happened. You've decided to stop thinking about, bringing up, or debating the subject. Moving on and experiencing progress is one of the benefits of forgiveness/acceptance, as was noted earlier. This doesn't imply you should forget what happened, but rather that you should take the lessons you've learned and use them to better yourself in the future. Instead of pursuing vengeance, focus on moving forward in life.
You can set yourself free by accepting and forgiving yourself. Allow yourself to let go of your attachment to the past and embrace the possibilities of the future. Accept yourself as you are and treat yourself with care and affection. Keep in mind that you have the power to forgive and accept yourself, as well as the freedom to make your own choices.
“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”- Khaled Hosseini
Explore Acceptance With The Coaching Conclave 2022
Acceptance does not imply that we accept immoral and abhorrent acts. It's a way of saying that we're making an effort to see both the good and the bad in order to make the required adjustments. Changing the world requires us to treat things with respect and accept them rather than reject them. When we reject something, we increase our vigilance and resistance, which leads to more of what we don't want. Avoidance and rejection also mask the true issue.
Because this is an ongoing process, you must be forgiving and compassionate toward yourself and your mistakes to cultivate these good attributes of forgiveness. We will succeed if we put out a sincere effort.
Acceptance begins with learning to accept and love oneself, no matter what. Developing this mindset may be the most significant thing you've ever learned in your life, but it will require time and work. It is doable, however, if you have patience, perseverance, and practice.
According to your personal beliefs and definition of acceptance, there is no single response to this topic. Some people, on the other hand, believe that accepting something for what it is is the first step toward learning to live with or endure it. It can be difficult to accept that someone we love has mental health issues, but by accepting them we may be able to better provide support and help them throughout their journey.
There are many reasons why Acceptance adds more meaning and happiness to life. Hence, it is one of the tracks on The Coaching Conclave 2022. With TCC, come rewrite your reality.