Forgiveness - The Missing Piece

I was enjoying my day not so long ago and a short non-threatening text message from a particular person utterly crushed it. I could feel my heart beating faster and the butterflies in my gut were in stampede mode. The stinging, hot tears came to my eyes and I lost all composure and happiness.

The reason? Guilt.

Guilt is a little (maybe large) piece of baggage that we all have. It is something that we usually live with and is not always suffered every day but every now and then it can knock us between the eyes and we can be surprised at how we react. So we justify and make logic of it – there was nothing else I could have done; they said it was ok; something had to be done. Friends may validate those justifications but that doesn’t get down to the core sense of guilt which we stuff down and carry on with our lives, getting that knock between the eyes when we least expect it.

So what can we do about guilt? We forgive. We can forgive others, but often it is ourselves that we may be able to forgive in order to create the greatest transformation. During our lives we place judgment upon ourselves and then spend time beating ourself up over it. Like perhaps not doing something when we were only 5, even when there was nothing else that could have been done. Or doing something necessary in that moment when we were 22, that we are not proud of, even now. Or maybe walking away from a marriage when we are in our 50's. It can be anything.

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. If you can't learn to forgive you can forget about achieving true success in your life. Wayne Dyer.

Forgiveness is a powerful emotion and it stimulates positive states of well being and emotions, as well as flooding the body with soothing and healing neuro-hormones. Most spiritual traditions and even scientific research back up the importance of practicing forgiveness. It is a component to happiness.

In a Stanford University experiment, people who learned and practiced forgiveness reported fewer backaches, headaches, muscle pains, stomach upsets and other common physical signs of stress compared to a control group. They also reported higher levels of optimism, hope and self-confidence. It really is good for you and good for happiness and peace of mind. The converse is also true. Those who focus on anger and have a profound sense of injustice, bitterness and vengeance suffer higher rates of heart disease. An inability or unwillingness to forgive results in persistent rumination and dwelling, while forgiveness allows you to move on. You only hurt yourself with anger, bitterness and vengeance.

So how do we Forgive ourselves?

Most people forgive at the head level - the logic, and the heart level. But only forgiving at these two levels will lead to ongoing issues. It doesn’t truly allow the ‘moving on’ and to do this, you must forgive at the ‘gut’ level as well. Full forgiveness occurs at intellectual, emotional and moving on level. All three. It is vital.

Notice how we say that we must 'let go' and 'move on'. These are words of motility and this is the function of our gut. The gut is the part that gets you to ‘move on’, the ‘doing’ part of forgiveness. So while your gut is holding on to the issue and maintaining it at the level of core identity, you will never 'let it go'. And to quote Grant Soosalu, author of mBraining, 'you will continue to give yourself the shits over the perceived injustice.'

Everybody makes mistakes or unpopular decisions. There is no such thing as being perfect. Letting go this ideal allows you to move on. And that takes Courage. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but an immense sign of strength, courage and that take guts! Forgiveness is also not the same as condoning. It is done for yourself - to heal and support yourself. It is a gift of happiness and peace of mind that you give yourself. Letting go of anger and resenting. Moving out from under the emotional burden of bitterness and liberating yourself from negative feelings of hurting or angering.

Forgiveness is giving the gift of peace to yourself.

You don't have to go public with your forgiveness either. You can carry it with you, in your happier and softer heart, like a little treasure or gem, as it is an inner process, but one that is vital to build positivity and healing in your own life.

mBraining has a wonderful process for forgiveness. I have been honoured to coach many people using this semi-scripted process and strategy and the reports I have had back include:

• 'the light has returned back into my life'
• 'I feel so much lighter',
• 'my darkness has gone'
• 'my head has room now for happier things'
• 'my intimate infections have cleared up'.

The process aligns the head and heart - those two centres that are traditionally recognised in the process of forgiveness, and the gut - the piece that until now has been missing.