Forgiveness is a Choice

The Time When My Son was Hit by a Car

This month is the ten-year anniversary since my son was hit by a car while crossing the street with his father — on a pedestrian signal.

I still remember the panic and anger I felt when I got “the phone call.”

As I drove to the accident site, I didn’t know how bad the situation was. On top of my anxiety of the unknown, I was also imagining all of the things I was going to say to the driver that struck my son.

I was angry, my thoughts were focused on retaliation, and my adrenaline was pumping rapidly.

When I got to the site, the ambulance had already taken my son away. Still at the scene were police cruisers, a single car, and a few people.

I saw a woman standing to the side and, with my heart racing and my body shaking, I approached her and asked, “Did you see who hit my son?”

She quietly replied, “I did.”

I could immediately appreciate and understand the enormous amount of courage it took for her to admit this to me, the mother.

In that exact moment, miraculously, it was as if my anger never existed. I felt compassion for a stranger as I never felt before.

And I didn’t fight it.

I let it wash over and through me like a sunrise. And I shared that sunrise with her.

I immediately hugged her, crying, and told her it was okay, it was okay.

From that experience, I learned several things, but one stands out most of all.

The way I responded when I met the person — who in my eyes was the “villian” —?that?was a?gift. I could not have had my feelings change so spontaneously and effortlessly without a lot of divine help from above.

There was no desire for retaliation in that moment or at any time since.

I felt peace, gratitude, and a depth of compassion that carried me through.

I felt an appreciation for life as I never had before, and a deeper understanding of how connected we are in a way that’s invisible to our eyes.

Can You Forgive Even the Horrible Stuff?

I recognize that my story doesn’t reflect everyone’s experiences or sentiments.

Some have experiences that I will never have and wouldn’t be able to comprehend — not because I don’t want to, but simply because I haven’t experienced it. It would be like trying to describe a cloud to someone who has lived underground their entire life.

I’m particularly sensitive to terrible situations where some intentionally inflict pain on others, like in Alyona’s situation of being a Ukrainian living in Ukraine during their war with Russia.

And so I asked Alyona to share her thoughts.

She said,

“When you came to that woman and told her that it’s okay. So actually, you could have kicked her or cried, or yelled at her or anything. But you made the most wise and logical thing a normal human being can do.

“The same I can say about Ukrainians and Russians after some time passes. We need to have a pure heart and soul and clear brain to, maybe not to forgive them; not to tell them that it’s okay,?but we need to let it go.

“I’m not sure that all of us are able to do this because lots of people have relatives who died unfortunately and kids.”

I believe that letting go is the first step towards forgiveness. And, after reading about Corrie ten Boom, I know it’s possible even in the most difficult and awful of circumstances.

Forgiveness is an Act of the Will

Corrie ten Boom, author of several books including?The Hiding Place, was a survivor of a Nazi death camp during WWII.

As Christians, she and her family saved the lives of an estimated 800 Jews and other refugees by turning a portion of their home into a safe house as part of a Dutch underground operation.

However, in 1944 they were betrayed and arrested. Corrie and her sister, Betsie, were eventually taken to the Ravensbrück Concentration Camp in Germany where Betsie died. Corrie survived and went on to travel all around the world to share her message of God’s love and forgiveness.

But the test to forgive came when she was face to face with one of the guards who had worked at Ravensbrück.

She had finished giving a speech on forgiveness in a church in Munich in 1947 when a man approached her. In her words, she described what happened next:

“‘You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk,’ he was saying. ‘I was a guard in there.’ No, he did not remember me.

“‘But since that time,’ he went on, ‘I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein, …’ his hand came out, … ‘will you forgive me?’

“And I stood there — I whose sins had every day to be forgiven — and could not. Betsie had died in that place — could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?

“It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

“For I had to do it — I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.’ …

“And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion — I knew that too.?Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.?‘Jesus, help me!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand, I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’

“And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

“‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’

“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.”

A Score for All of HumanKind

Every time one of us chooses to forgive — no matter the situation or event — it’s a point, a score, for all of humankind.

For the Russians. And the Ukrainians. And every other person in this big, wide world.

I believe forgiveness is a road to peace.

And so, I hope for myself, and you, that we will always have the courage and fortitude to score many, many points.

P.S. If you’re like me, you?need?to have closure to the story loop I opened about my son. Despite flying up in the air, hitting the hood of the car when he came down, and then landing on the road, he only sustained bruises and scratches, for which I am immensely grateful.

This is the seventh article that’s part of ongoing conversations that I have with my friend, Alyona, who lives and works in Ukraine despite the war with Russia. I started writing this series because I believe every single one of us, if we choose, really can be the change we want to see in the world. And that one of the best ways to change is to learn — from our own experiences and someone else’s. I’m learning from Alyona’s experiences and want to share these life lessons with you.