Forging Relationships with Troubled Students

Trust between child and adult is essential, the foundation on which all other principles rest, the glue that holds teaching and learning together, the beginning point for reeducation.- Nicholas Hobbs

 Working with troubled and troubling young people is like no other experience you will encounter. 

Nicholas Hobbs the father of Re-Education wrote The Troubled and Troubling Child way back in 1982. Hobbs work is as meaningful today, maybe more so, as it was when it first came out. 

 Your most troubled children and youth are kids in “PAIN”. The behaviors they demonstrate are behaviors of young people who are attempting to best meet their own needs and protect themselves from more pain.

What we know today from the resiliency research, the neuroscience research and the developmental trauma work being done is that the core of our work as educators working these students is about CONNECTION!

It is time for our profession to integrate 3 Major Fields of study and bring them together;

• Neuroscience
• Psychology
• Pedagogy

What your most troubled students will do, if you follow their lead, is take you to that integration!

Know this- all interpersonal change with troubled students revolves around an adult relationship!

We can continue to create behavior plans that attempt to create change through the use of behavior modification and reward systems but true change only come through connection! 

Relationship building with troubled young people is different from any other relationship you have ever had. The helping alliance that we need to build requires us to recognize that this relationship is a one-way street- it travels from the ADULT to the young person. 

It is not a mutual relationship!! The key to this connection is that it is based on the NEEDS of the STUDENT- not the needs of the ADULTS.

Seven Habits of Reclaiming Relationships with Youth At-Risk

1. TRUST

2. ATTENTION

3. EMPATHY

4. AVAILABILITY

5. AFFIRMATION

6. RESPECT

7. VIRTUE

This is the pathway we as teachers and school administrators need to traverse with our most difficult children and youth!

 Our most troubled young people are also relationship reluctant- they have experienced such poor relationships (particularly with school personnel) that often they literally bite the hand that is trying to help them!

Most educators have not been trained to know what to do with these young people! I believe that this population continues to be the population of students that most schools simply want to – move somewhere else, anywhere else!

When we step back a bit- we can really see that these are Disposable Kids in many schools!!

In effect, our initial try at making connections with these young people is met with rejection. Most of us as educators are not use to being angrily rejected, or simple totally ignored. Untrained and often unaware we can easily get into escalating power struggles with these young people on a daily bases.

Building connections with your most troubled students is an ENDURANCE EVENT!!!

Now What?

We now know that your most troubled students are student’s carrying in toxic levels of stress. We also now know that this amount of stress impacts the brain.

“Repeated and overwhelming stress “sensitizes” the amygdala and it becomes hyper-alert to danger. Troubled children reset their normal level of arousal. Even when no external threats exist, they are in a persistent state of alarm.” -(Bruce Perry)

We the adults must be willing to be the target of some very poor behavioral choices by these young people with-out “hurting them more”!! We must show them that the experience they are about to have will be different!! 

Next question: Is your school district ready to do that?

“ Faced with a range of challenging behaviors caregivers have a tendency to deal with their frustration by retaliating in ways that often uncannily repeat the children’s early trauma.”- Bessel van der Kolk

We must begin to see problem behaviors in our schools differently! Rather then seeing misbehavior as: rule infractions, disrespect, disobedience we must begin to use these difficulties as an opportunity to connect and to teach young people how to problem solve and deal with conflict constructively.

 Know this- student crisis is an excellent opportunity to create a positive connection. Caring, connections and time is what we need to influence these young people.

Remember: 

Troubled kids are distinguished by their regrettable ability to elicit from others exactly the opposite of what they really need. - L. Tobin 

As always...please take a second and let me know what you think!