Forgetting What I've Forgotten

Let’s talk about what recovery can look like, shall we?

Those who know me know that daily cardio is a way of life. Good for my body, good for my brain. Science has shown that cardio increases BDNF, a chemical known to increase neural growth and help with brain injury recovery.

But that’s not the point today. Today I’m going to talk about how my definition of recovery has changed rather dramatically over the years.

Early on, I defined recovery as “getting over” my brain injury. I wanted so desperately to live again in the Make Believe Kingdom of Life Before Brain Injury. I’ve long since learned that the gates to that kingdom are forever closed. I’ve also learned that one of the biggest game-changers in my recovery is not in going back, but in better accepting who I am an what I’ve got.

“So, what exactly does that look like?” Said the random guy who sits in the fourth row in the theater of my mind.

Glad you asked!

Just this morning I was down in our basement attending to my morning hour of indoor cycling. Our kids are all grown, so a former bedroom is now our exercise room. It’s got a treadmill for Sarah and a stationary bike for yours truly. It also has a thermostat on the wall.

Here’s where it get fun!

We keep the basement room unheated in the winter. Not being a family of means at a time where our electric rates just doubled, before I hop on my bike, I turn on the heat. I’m not a big fan of the cold.

Five minutes into my ride, I realized (or so I thought) that I had forgotten to turn on the heat. Hopping off my bike, my hand reaching for the thermostat to see it ALREADY turned up.

“Hmmmm” I said to myself, “I must have forgotten that I already turned on the heat”

Hopping back on my bike, another five minutes passed by. I realized (or so I thought) that I had forgotten to turn on the heat. Hopping off my bike, my hand reaching for the thermostat to see it ALREADY turned up.

By the time this morning one-two step was over, I had checked the thermostat three times.

And therein lies the challenge. My mind, even a dozen years post-injury, often simply forgets to lay down new memories. I clearly took the action to turn on the heat, but promptly forgot that I had done so, over and over (and over) again.

How did I feel about it all?

Candidly, I laughed out loud. That alone is epic progress.

Years ago, that stuff drove me crazy. I would mentally beat myself up for feeling stupid, my self-esteem would take a big hit, and despair would roll in. Today it’s just part of who I am.

The memory challenges remain largely unchanged, but my attitude has done a complete 180. Life is just too darned short to get flustered by something I have no control over. Again, this was no an overnight process, but I am grateful that today I’m okay with it.

An hour of cardio now behind me, it’s time to face today.

And if I’m really lucky, I’ll only go out to get the mail once – but these days, even that is not guaranteed!

Peace to all who forget that they’ve forgotten.

~D