Forget who you’re “supposed” to be, tap into who you ARE!

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Do you ever feel like one version of you clocks in at work, while another, more authentic version shows up to dinner with friends? You’re not alone.?

We are halfway through Women’s History Month, a time for us to celebrate the achievements, progress, and contributions of women — and to commit ourselves to continuing their work toward equality. Professional women are steadily making hard won gains in the world of work, but bias persists, forcing women to walk a tightrope of gendered expectations.?

Our identities shape how we perceive the world around us—and how we perceive ourselves. Identity is made up of our unique characteristics, values, beliefs, and experiences that differentiate us from each other. It’s influenced by our relationships, our upbringing, and the qualities we’ve been told we have. Identity isn’t set in stone; as we develop through the stages of life, how we see the world, and think of ourselves, changes.?

Identity is especially relevant for women, because ours, as a gender, has been rapidly-evolving over time. A strong sense of self identity can be helpful when it contributes to our confidence, but if we become locked into our identity, it can hinder our growth. This week, I want to talk about the outside forces that can influence our identity, what we lose when we hold back our true selves, and how women’s identities can make the world of work better for everyone.?

Who are we “supposed” to be??

Our identity isn’t shaped in a bubble. For women, the messages we receive from the media, our workplaces, and even our teachers and families about what we are “supposed” to be are extremely influential to our sense of self. My high school guidance counselor discouraged me from pursuing a future as a veterinarian because (in his words), “Do you know how few female veterinarians there are?!” More recently, a male bank manager discouraged me from allowing my then 20-something daughter to go to South Korea with a direct, “I know I wouldn’t allow my daughter to move half-way around the world.” And just two weeks ago, my colleague and I were asked by an inebriated older gentleman we escorted back to the hotel (where it turned out we were all staying), “How did you end up at the Four Seasons? This place is expensive!”?

Gendered expectations of behavior can feel like walking a tightrope, especially at work. Women in leadership roles—or women who aspire to be leaders—often get conflicting information. We are expected to exhibit stereotypically “feminine” traits, like empathy, warmth, and agreeability, but those don’t align with traditionally male-dominated leadership roles, so we’re told we’re not “tough enough” or that we lack the ever-elusive “executive presence.” However, when women do conform their behavior to fit a leadership mold, like demonstrating confidence or showing ambition, we’re not “likable” enough. In an interview with NPR, Alicia Mendez, author of The Likability Trap, describes this as the “Goldilocks conundrum — you know, too warm, too cold. A woman, it seems, is never just right.” In fact, research has shown that virtually anything can be leveraged against professional women, from factors like age and race to dietary restrictions.

With that in mind, it’s no wonder so many of us can get locked onto an “idealized identity,” an unachievable version of ourselves that is effortlessly all things to all people. When the idea of “never let them see you sweat” is the goal (consciously or unconsciously), we set ourselves up for relentless striving coupled with self-criticism and self-doubt every time we fumble. Many women cope in male-dominated environments by minimizing and disconnecting from their identity, which can estrange us from our core being. And that has real consequences for our mental health and well-being. High-achieving women are burned out!

Tapping into who you are

While holding your most authentic self back is detrimental, research shows that the inverse is true. Bringing your true self to the office can result in improved relationships, higher engagement and workplace satisfaction, and better performance — not to mention the benefit to our well-being. If you’re feeling disconnected from your identity, self-exploration can help. Ask yourself:

• What have you told yourself about what is possible? About who you have to be to achieve it?
• Who are you at your best and most authentic self?
• What beliefs are no longer serving you well? Who would you be if you let them go?
• And last but not least, what will it take to keep your promise to your future best self and her descendants?

This is an important step for your own well-being and self-knowledge, but it’s not the only thing you can do to improve work for women.?

The time for authentic women in leadership is now

One of the best ways to effect immediate change: more women in leadership positions. The mere presence of a woman leader leads others to anticipate fairer treatment in the organization and greater projected salary and status, unburdening some of the pressure women have to change themselves in order to fit into traditionally-male roles.?

Remember those stereotypically female traits that aren’t typically associated with leadership? More women leaders can mitigate that, too. A 2022 study found that having women in upper management can change an organizations’ use of language by helping to associate women with characteristics that are critical for leadership success. Study authors wrote,“Our findings suggest that female representation is not merely an end, but also a means to systematically change insidious gender stereotypes and overcome the trade-off between women being perceived as either competent or likeable.” If just the presence of women in these roles can do all this, imagine what using our voices can do. What could we change by embracing our identities?

The time is now for historically underrepresented leaders to rise in the ranks and for those of us already here to take an active role in making positive change. The truth is that a system cannot be changed by the same consciousness that built it—there is too much to lose for those who benefit from the status quo. Transformation takes a fresh perspective, something women and other underrepresented leaders are ready to offer.?

Our identities will shift many times over our lifetime, and that’s a good thing. What is important is to ensure that your identity reflects who you truly are, not who others want or expect you to be.?

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