Forget Everything You Know About Listening and Try Again

A few years ago—a woman I was dating was breaking up with me. She had a couple complaints about me but her biggest complaint was that I was a bad listener. “What?! I literally listen to people for a living, I’m great at it, and she has no idea what she is talking about!!!”

Upon further reflection… I needed to take a closer look at myself. Self-righteously dismissing her words maybe would make me feel better but it certainly wouldn’t help me grow as a person and God knows I could do this whole relationship thing better.?

I was reminded of an adage—“if you want to know the truth about you, don’t turn to strangers, acquaintances, or your friends, instead, ask those closest to you… and the closer the better.” So I did, I talked to my close family and my two closest friends and discovered I had quite the blind spot about my listening. In fact, with some people in my life, I was unintentionally dismissing their thoughts and feelings without even realizing it and some of them were actually afraid of talking to me. Jeez! Some leadership coach I was!?

So I got to work. My key words became empathy and compassion; putting myself in their shoes and suffering alongside them. I’d like to report that I am still learning, but improving. When I want to know how I am doing, I ask my partner or my adult daughter. Sometimes I put on my flak suit first. :)?

So this series of?posts ?is really about activities you can do to inspire your team. We started with?courage ?and?vulnerability ?and now we are on to listening.?

The thing is, most leaders I talk to already think they are pretty good listeners. In truth most of us are C+ students at best when it comes to listening. So, we have our work cut out for us...and the good news is that, with some effort, we can make a big impact on our listening skills.

When people feel heard, they often will move mountains for you—even if you can’t solve their concerns. When people feel heard, they are engaged in the relationship. When people feel heard, trust grows and trust is the life-blood of a high-performing team.?

So how do you listen so people feel heard??

Take what you KNOW and throw it away.?

• Listening is not repeating back to people what they said (although sometimes it might include this.)
• Listening is not recapping what someone said in your own words (although sometimes it might include this.)
• Listening is not staying silent while others speak (although sometimes it might include this.)
• Listening is not something you do TO people. It is something you do WITH people.?

There is only one person who gets a vote on whether you are a good listener… the person who you are “listening” to.?

Listening is an art and just like most expressions of art, the more you practice, the better. Here are 5 practices you can try to grow your listening. The assignment is for you to try some of these practices and then find out if the people you are doing them with feel heard. If they do, great—keep practicing; if they don’t, ask them what they think would help or try something else. Wash, rinse, repeat. Please tell me how it goes. I promise to try to listen—and I hope you will tell me if I don’t!

1. Practice noticing yourself NOT listening or listening to yourself. We call this level one listening and we all do it. Notice yourself getting completely disconnected from your person or planning your response or even thinking about dinner.?
2. Practice listening at level two. This is listening to the words your person is saying and focus on every single word. Practice it in increments of 30-60 seconds. When done well, you empty your mind of other thoughts and you are definitely not thinking of a response.?
3. Practice listening at level three. This is listening to what is not being said but is being created by your person. What emotions do you hear? What is the energy of the moment? Is there passion & resonance or is there boredom and disengagement? Practice it in increments of 30-60 seconds. When done well, you are deeply connected with what the person is saying and what they are wanting to really say.
4. Practice pure listening for a full minute. This means simply paying full attention to what the other person is saying without responding, making noises, head nodding, or otherwise interrupting them. Whenever I do this in a training course, nearly everyone doing the “listening” complains how hard/awkward/impossible this is but invariably those on the other side are amazed at how in just one minute, they felt heard like they never have felt heard at work before.?
5. Practice listening to completion. This means you recognize that your person has something to say and you encourage them to share it all. Asking, “is there anything else?” or something similar until their response is, “no, I’ve told you everything I’ve wanted to say.”?