Forged in the Fires of Failure
Michelle de Havilland
Co-Founder/ CEO Real Estate Investment, Development, Brokerage, Sales & Marketing, Executive Mentor
The old adage claims, "Those who can't, teach." But in my experience, true guidance and mentorship stem from a different philosophy altogether. To lead others through life's trials, one must first navigate the path themselves, experiencing its twists and turns, highs and lows firsthand. It's not about regurgitating theories or philosophies read in a book; it's about embodying resilience, empathy, and unwavering determination.
I've spent the last 25 years entrenched in the world of real estate, working on landmark projects around the globe and navigating the tumultuous waters of entrepreneurship for eight of those years. Frankly, every day, I question my decisions: Why didn't I just settle for a stable pay check? Is this relentless pursuit truly worth it? Should I throw in the towel and walk away?
Real estate is a ruthless sector, marked by misogyny, arrogance, stress, and the ever-looming spectre of greed. The highs are dizzying, but the lows can be soul-crushing. Your integrity is tested daily, and you encounter the best and worst humanity has to offer. It's not a realm for the faint-hearted; it's a battleground where egos clash and ambitions collide. You have to have an iron gut, because you will be punched several times a day. It is a training by fire, a veritable colosseum. In this arena, you discover what you're truly made of. You confront your instinctual self, grappling with the eternal dilemma: cheat or uphold your principles? I literally have the words Fortis est veritas tattooed on my body as a constant reminder that Truth is Strength. Yes, you sometimes have to resort to tattooing it on to your own flesh to remind yourself that amidst the lies and b*llshit, there is truth and it will prevail. It has been the making of me, and at times the breaking of me.
I have fallen over more times than I would really like to admit. I have called to a god I don't believe in at times, because I simply had nowhere else to turn. I have been slandered, I have been blackmailed, I have been attacked both verbally and physically. I have been falsely sued, I have been ridiculed, I have been mocked, I have been forced out of my own company. I know what it is to be scarlet-lettered, burnt at the metaphorical stake and to be beaten like an emotional pinata. I have been betrayed by my closest allies, I have been fed to the lions by colleagues, I have been spat on by the people who owe their entire careers and livelihoods to me. I have been stalked, sexually assaulted and called every name under the sun by the apparent "angels in our midst". “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves” is a Bible verse from Matthew 7:15 that seems quite appropriate. I wish I could say that every time I rose back stronger, but I didn't. I bear the scars of this journey, both physical and mental. Life's wars leave indelible marks, weakening parts of our being and testing our resolve. The reality is that I am NOT invincible. I break. I bleed. I hurt much more than I let on.
But amid the chaos and turmoil, a small voice calls out from the darkness. It may take days, weeks, or even months to hear it, amidst the immobilisation of life's relentless blows. So when I speak of finding hope or joy, it's not from a place of naivety but from the crucible of experience. When I urge you to find your voice and stand up for yourself, it's because I know the weight of that burden. Confidence isn't synonymous with success; it's born from resilience in the flames of failure.
Life isn't fair or easy. There are no cheat codes, no straight lines. Every journey is unique, every experience wholly our own. If I could have one wish it would be the end of the pseudo -self help section! Book after book promising you 5 steps to overcoming trauma, or 7 stages of success or how to change your life in 30 days. Such nonsense! Dangerous nonsense that sets unrealistic expectations and ultimately leads to disastrous failure. The road of life is hard. We win some days. We lose some days. There is no guarantees and there is no roadmap. Learn to distinguish between opportunity and when to walk away. Despite what you may see emblazoned on Tik Tok or Instagram, sometimes walking away is the right choice - it is not giving up, it is protecting your mental health, about being kind to yourself.
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Choose Mentors, Coaches, Therapists or Doctors who've traversed life's choppy seas, not those who've merely skimmed its surface. Choose travellers not mere tourists of life. Find a helpful navigator who understands that the journey is unscripted, who has chartered through choppy seas, who will consider your own desires, and never diminish your experiences. Beware false prophets peddling quick fixes and guaranteed success. I literally met a middle class woman from Surrey once who actually referred to herself as a "guru" - I have never laughed so hard! If anyone tells you that they have the recipe for success, they are a charlatan. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The road to fulfilment is arduous and unpredictable, but therein lies its beauty. Be gentle and kind to yourself because the world can be full of sharp edges. Protect your heart. Protect your soul. Protect your sanity.
In my darkest moments, when I've been slandered, attacked, and broken, I've found solace in defiance. Despite the hatred and negativity, I have refused to relinquish my dignity or succumb to despair. I have chosen to walk with grace, undeterred by the storms that rage around me. This is not easy. Sometimes it feels counter-intuitive to what I really want to do but I brace my back to the storms and I march on. One of my closest friends sat me down one day in my deepest moments of despair, held me firmly by the shoulders and looked me sternly in the face. She said: "You are motherf*cking Michelle de Havilland. Say it! Say "I am motherf*cking Michelle de Havilland!" How dare you accept this defeat. People rely on you. Get up! You are Michelle de Havilland. Act like it! Remember who you are. You did not come all this way to die here and now. You are Michelle de Havilland." and you know what I did? I got up. I stood up straight. I wiped my eyes and I looked straight back in to her eyes and said " I am motherf*cking Michelle de Havilland!".
You did not make it this far to fall down now. You did not survive this journey for it to end on your knees. Get up. Get help if you need it.... and we all need it sometimes. Be selective about who you walk this path with. Choose your mentors and advisors wisely, choose someone who knows how to overcome, who understands the cost of resilience, and who never surrenders. Surround yourself with champions and call on them when you need them to carry you. Find that (sometimes) distant and quiet voice that tells you to not let go, never give up, to stand up, to carry on. I regularly quote Invictus by William Ernest Henley who wrote, "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." And so are you.
Author:
Michelle de Havilland, Executive Coach, and CEO of BlackGate, brings over 25 years of extensive experience in the real estate sector, having contributed to numerous global property developments. Michelle is not only a seasoned business leader but also a renowned motivational speaker and TV Personality. For further details on BlackGate, visit www.black-gate.co.uk , or reach out to MD Coach directly for coaching sessions with Michelle at michelle@MDCoach.co.uk . Additionally, explore the MDCoach Intelligence Forum for insightful articles like this one: https://mdcoach.co.uk/intelligence .
Creative Direction, Design & Art Direction
8 个月Fortis est veritas - wonderful. And kindness comes from strength, something the charlatans that wronged you are lacking,
Chairman nCode Systems Corp
8 个月Well said Michelle ??
Accountant and Tax expert | Crypto Tax Specialist | Board Member | Co-founder of The Kapuhala Longevity Retreats
8 个月?? It takes immense courage to reveal vulnerabilities and speak honestly about the struggles we often keep hidden. ?? Your reflections on recent tragic events emphasize the importance of fostering a culture of authenticity and empathy, both in professional and personal spheres. ?? Thank you for bravely opening up and sharing such a deeply personal piece, especially in a professional context. ??