The Forbidden Fruit – An Open Forum on What is too SEXY and too Personal for LinkedIn!

One thing I hear from you guys is that one of the reasons you follow me on LinkedIn so closely (and even choose to work with me professionally) is because I am real, just a real person… not a phony, politically correct, “let’s all act like professionals” b.s.’er – I guess being part of the oil family helps us all keep it pretty real… doesn’t it?!

Well - I am about to keep it even more real …and I know... I will get some thumbs down, a few will delete me and a few more will go on to blast me with “shame on you’s” for bringing this up here – eh…so be it… if I ran my life caring too much about what others thought I would not be where I am today…

You see, I have learned that sometimes you push past fear and you just say what you need to say and deal with the consequences. So this is one of those times – but in a way it’s not exactly… because usually my articles are about teaching – but this time, it will not roll out like that… this time, I am writing because I want to know what YOU think… what you have to say… and what you can teach me!

So here is the subject:

Dating within professional settings and networks .... (and I am NOT talking about low-level hook-ups, I am talking about something deeper and more meaningful than that!)

It’s a taboo subject that needs some discussion. I would like to say, like the rest of you... I too am on LinkedIn for purely professional reasons. My reputation is one I hold in the highest regard, as do my peers, and for this I am grateful… Yet, I do care to know what the viewpoints are of those I respect most.

I have a curiosity – and yes, I know – “curiosity killed the cat”, they say – but they also say the cute little fuzz balls have nine lives – so heck with it… here she goes (I think I have a couple left laying around here)! 

Like I always say – lets have some fun with this!

So far, we have some basic dating rules that we professional folks are all told we must live by – the list is pretty exhaustive and we all have it memorized, but I will touch point on a few established basic boundaries that are fairly common knowledge..

-         No dating at work…period.

-         No dating on LinkedIn…or even trying to go there. Period.

-         No trying to pick up the postman or anyone else who comes to your door, because he's in a union and he has rights that protect him sexually in the workplace from all these ravenous females looking for a man in a uniform…… :P (sorry I could not help myself on that one, I said let’s have some fun and I meant it…)..

-         No dating your neighbor because if you break up it will be awkward until the end of time and you will be forced to run away and go live with the Amish or in some small remote village with the Okinawan people. Save yourself the hassle.

-         No dating your kid’s friend’s parent(s) because once again – boundaries… you know… who does that anyways! Wrong, wrong, wrong – shame on you!

-         No going to church or church functions, or hanging out in church parking lots - waiting for the service to be over, or even worse – “coincidentally” getting a flat tire in that same church parking lot on December 15th, at 3 pm, then getting busted by the Pastor (cute single pastor btw) and then spending two hours crying the blues in his office about how hard it is to find a good man in this day and age… …. Oops… OK, never-mind.. let’s continue… (who would do that anyways …because that's just creepy…)…

-         No going up to random strangers in places you go a lot – like delivering cookies to the fire station, the police station, the EMS station, and all the other stations that happen to have a few fit young fellas hanging around…,  cause that too is just creepy…don’t do that!

-         And NO faking an emergency to try to pick up emergency response people… because that's just really shallow...and you could end up with a ticket – roughly $359 – but how would I know? Just a guess.

-         The doctor in the ER... with the short spiky brown hair…oh yeah, boundaries....leave the poor soul alone for goodness sake!

OK – so that about covers it. Those are the rules, and like I said – you knew them all already anyways.

Now, I know most people suggest dating sites as the obvious solution to this – and aren’t those little communities just the best to partake of – like holy communion in there! So easy to find just what you are looking for in those sites!!! Uggg!

So here are the options one is left with when scouting for the perfect partner:

-         Milk carton ads – remember the old “kids help phone” ads that came printed on all of those milk cartons – mhmm…. You just write up a wanted ad – (I know how you can get a 1-800 number for free too – just pm me) then give Dairyworld a call and see what they can work out for you, maybe a barter system would be appropriate?

-         Oh, I have one!!! Google pay-per-click ads! You only pay when you get a bite! I like this strategy. Dating on a budget!

… hmmm... let me think here...

-         Would large freeway billboards “cross any boundaries”? I can’t see why a billboard campaign would not be a decent approach?

OK, on a serious note, so what if the only place that you tend to meet people who you actually click with, who think like you, live like you, work as hard as you do, have similar priorities and core values as you... happen to be through your work... or your professional network... then what? 

I come at this entire subject as woman who has been on both sides of this coin – the married woman being chased (when I was NOT looking) and then later in life, the single woman having those interests there in a professional connection and not wanting to cross those boundaries… 

I get it. 

I get the whole thing. 

I get why leaving business – business, is wise.

I get why bringing emotions into the workplace causes unnecessary drama and even legal issues.

I get how making our professional relationships and social media more than a professional network can really get messy and complicate things.

I get why following the courier home three times last week was inappropriate and cause for concern…

I get it. 

…but…

….I see it from another perspective as well…

I have an inside look at what the personal life of a busy working professional looks like – and trust me, messing with these ridiculous, time wasting dating sites, joining activities to meet the right one… stalking innocent people, and all of the time and energy that goes into meeting people OUTSIDE of your professional network, is a bloody gong-show and it can suck the life out of you! 

You work tirelessly to find someone with a brain, a decent set of standards and some life goals – and you know where that leads you… back to the professional relationships that you have been nurturing for years! 

Very few people on those sites come close to the level of intelligent conversation you are accustomed to having within your professional network… but I know – I know – those fine folks are all off limits…. because the rules say so… and you know what they say, “rules are made to be…_____________” (you fill in the blanks with the philosophy you subscribe to…)

Now, I am not sure which position on the topic is right or if maybe there is a gray area to be had here. Everywhere appears to be the inappropriate place to meet someone – and even if you knew the appropriate “where”, taking the “time” for an executive, someone on the road a lot (or running a hitch schedule)… it ain’t easy folks!

I see my peers often broadcast these announcements on their walls, letting the world know not to ever dare approach them - that they are there for professional reasons – LinkedIn is not a dating site - and so on... In a way, I chuckle reading this because of how seriously they are taking things, but in a way, I see their point too – it can get overwhelming at times if you have a huge network like I do, especially if you are not even open to meeting anyone at the time.  

Obviously, with the type of work I do (my clients being well over 95% males) and being one of the top gas and oil ladies in the industry (and on a global scale) - I am on the receiving end of advances ... daily advances... but I handle it much different than most my peers (I don’t meet these advances with complete disdain, disgust, insult and hostility.). I show these men respect, respond graciously, and continue on with the day... usually lol. No big deal.

Personally, I LOVE when men are free to be men... I respect a man for going after what he wants and having the courage to do that when it is done with class and respect. I do not take offense to this whatsoever. I just think of it like this... back in the day, if a man wanted to date a woman - he had to have the guts to go straight up to her and actually talk to her. There were no dating sites - social media, etc.

We live in a day and age now where every time a male goes after what he wants, it's "inappropriate", in the "wrong place", "socially unacceptable", "unprofessional", or “he’s such a pig” – in fact “all men are just pigs”… right? How horrible is that!!! Women need to start thinking about what they are doing. 

Men are emasculated and criticized time and time again for doing exactly what they were created to do and what women are setting them up to do - see beauty and go after it. What confuses me more is the amount of money, time, and energy us females put into looking picture perfect on our social media in order to attract that positive attention – and then when we get it, we are suddenly besides ourselves with offense… no wonder guys are friggen confused! Holy smokes ladies!

Now don't get me wrong - there are men who act like wild, crazy, wildebeests, and they come off quite sleazy and tasteless – and these guys need an article written to address their nonsense – so clearly this is not what I am referring to here today.

I would say out of the advances I receive via my professional network, 90% of them are by men that go about it in a very respectable and non-offensive way. Personally, I think this is to be commended. These guys have the guts (at the risk of rejection and humiliation) to put their necks out there and speak their minds and I do not see how one can take offense to this.

If these men do not take “no” for an answer, they are pushy, rude, perverted, immature...then yes... that's gross and highly annoying... But why be offended when a peer finds you attractive and says so tastefully? Why get your back up when a single, like-minded connection takes the risk to approach you in the hopes of getting to know you on more of a personal level, with pure intentions at heart?

If the place we spend the majority of our lives is a forbidden territory (in the realms of bringing in that personal element)... are we all doomed for single life until the grave in the name of “keeping it professional?"

My professional life is a HUGE part of my life - I don't get the chance to meet many like-minded people on that personal level outside of my work because I give my work my all - as it is my passion.... and I know many of you feel the same thing... so what do we do? 

And that is my honest question. 

Where should those lines be drawn? How should they be drawn? What exceptions should we make allowance for in this area… if any at all…?

And in closing, what is too SEXY and too personal for LinkedIn…and for work in general? 

I want to hear your thoughts – however opinionated you may be, wherever you draw those lines, I want to hear! So please share freely as I have - oh and humor is good too - throw some of that out for us please! 

Thanks guys! It has been fun – and thank you for letting me be my silly self - bringing up the hard stuff in a fun and open way, and sticking by my side year after year…! I appreciate each of you very much.

Take care!

Carol Bird

CEO

Resume Resort / RigBoyz Employment Network

[email protected]

*Carol Bird is the CEO of the Resume Resort / RigBoyz Employment Network, a leading international employment consulting firm that specializes in gas and oil (recruitment, transition services, online job search strategies, resume writing, LinkedIn writing and career coaching). Although this firm specializes in the oilfield, they have served and continue to serve all industries, holding an A+ BBB rating since 1999. Their firm offers a free 15-minute initial telephone consultation and will supply a rate card upon request if sent to: [email protected]