Is FOOMO (not FOMO) holding you back?

Is FOOMO (not FOMO) holding you back? ??

Let's talk about the Fear of Others Missing Out (FOOMO) - yes this is different from FOMO where we have shiny object syndrome that means we jump on all-the-things.?

This was first introduced to me in a conversation with a colleague, where I was discussing how many of us hold ourselves back because of our fear of what that means for others. Immediately she came back with 'What you mean, FOOMO?'. What a great term for something that is so damaging and yet so prevalent to our thinking as leaders.?

As leaders, it is our job to think of those around us. As empathetic and servant leaders, it is paramount that we consider the implications of our actions and requests on the people we work with and everyone who might be impacted.?

Unfortunately though, our people pleasing brains CAN go a step too far sometimes…

If you've ever found yourself not saying yes to something, not putting your hand up, or not accepting an opportunity or accolade because you're thinking about what that might mean for others, then you may have experienced FOOMO.?

So let’s talk about FOOMO, how it might show up, how it might be hurting our progression, what we can do about it, and also when we do still need to be considering the impact on others.

1?? Why does FOOMO happen?

Often it's when we’re presented with an opportunity at work, and we think 'I can't do that because that means X won't get the chance'.?

FOOMO goes hand in hand with people pleasing - we often do this because we think more about others' needs than our own. But remember, a lot of unhealthy people pleasing comes from the need to be liked, loved and not negatively judged. Which as leaders we have to be ok with alienating some people - if you are changing the world, you are going to irritate someone, possibly full on get people that hate you. It hurts, but it is sadly true. If you are making a difference you are changing the status quo, and people don't like change. So you are going to upset some people. Embrace this. It means you are doing something exciting. And don't make the mistake of thinking that this means you must obviously be horrible to all people all the time. You can be kindest, most empathetic leader on the planet and still have haters. It just means you are doing great things.?

2?? If you've recognized you give in to FOOMO, it’s time to step up, take ownership, put ourselves forward.?

Don’t be afraid to celebrate our successes, to chase after our dreams. You can have both: wanting to see others succeed and not miss out AND allowing yourself to succeed and not miss out. Mindset work needs to be done here to find that balance.?

3?? Remember that FOOMO can also mean failing to toot our own horn, or as we discussed in [Episode 112 > https://tonicollis.com/episode112).

Remember that failing to talk about how great you are and what you've achieved is bad for your mental health and your career, no one is going to sing your praises if you talk others up but downplay your own achievements. These go hand in hand with letting others take the opportunity you deserve because of your FOOMO. If you don't speak up, why not? Is it because you are afraid that others won't get the chance? Now this might also be because of fear of failure or impostor syndrome. But do check in with that.?

4?? Now lets talk about FOOMO and career progression.?

I've already shared one of the most damaging ways that FOOMO impacts carer progression - giving key opportunities (and yes even promotions) to those around them instead of accepting them ourselves.?

Again, this isn't about withholding from others, and not sharing appropriately, but more about how if we always put everyone else forwards it damages our career progression. But I also see FOOMO play out in other ways, like staying in jobs we hate because we are scared of leaving and what that will do to our team. This breaks my heart every time, and I hear this probably once a week! Let me give you some honest truth here. If you hate your job, or you are in a toxic environment, or simply have no opportunity for progression and your stress levels are gradually rising you will inevitably end up burnt out.?

How does that help your team? How does that help change tech so we have better companies and better bosses? It doesn't. You are feeding the machine.

And if the machine knows you are staying, nothing is going to change.?

One of the most powerful things we can do as a leader is vote with our feet when all else fails. If the situation is toxic, get out, and the company will either improve or ultimately fail. Your team will be better off once they move too, and sometimes they need to realise that they won't always have the human shield that is you.?

Stop focusing on everyone else, step away from the FOOMO and get out if you are only staying for your team.?

5?? The final way I see FOOMO showing up is how we spend more time mentoring than taking care of ourselves.?

Putting everyone else first and helping everyone before you help yourself = people pleasing, which can turn to anger and frustration. Remember it is OK to set boundaries and say no. As a leader your job is to deliver business outcomes or impact, NOT to mentor. Sure mentoring and nurturing your team is necessary, but when we spend all of our time doing that (and I speak as someone who did this for years and stalled her progression as a result) you are actually not delivering on your responsibilities.

When we say yes to all requests to help out we are missing balance. And often this is driven by FOOMO.?

A good rule is to take on as many mentees as you have mentors. If you have 4 mentors then take on 4 mentees. Give and take. I know I'm a big believer in giving, but you shouldn’t give at the expense of yourself, be OK with taking just a little.?

We need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others, Remember you “can’t pour from an empty cup”.

Learn more by checking out episode 114 of the Leading Women in Tech Podcast: https://tonicollis.com/episode114