Fools Rush In

There is a downside to rushing into commitment and an upside to taking it slowly. Build your foundation on something solid, something that will last. It’s definitely tempting to go for it right away when you meet someone that you are attracted to; to immediately think they’re “the one” and to let your emotions run wild. I want to caution you against rushing into love and advise you to take your time and let things happen a little bit more slowly and organically.

It’s hard to rationalize it when you’re teeming with emotions and your hormones and heart are pounding and your blood is high. There’s a tendency to think, “This is it!!“ and jump into a committed relationship with this new person. Stop and think for a moment now. What is really important to you in a partner? Does this new person check all those boxes? Will they be the one that you can be with forever, will they be a good parent to your future children? Do they even want kids? Are they monogamous, are they loyal and faithful? What do you know about their spiritual life, their religious beliefs? As you go through all of the qualities and attributes that you are looking for in a mate, you come to realize that there’s no possible way that you can know a person on a deep enough level to answer all of your questions in a short period of time.

When you meet that potential partner, take your time getting to know them. Spend time talking about what’s important to you and listen to what’s important to them. Have a period of discovery of each other that goes deeper than the superficial or physical level. Take some trips, and have adventures together and watch how your new partner reacts in different situations. Are they patient and forgiving? Are they kind and slow to anger, or easily triggered? How do they react under stress, when they’re worried or feeling anxious. How do they treat strangers? How do they treat the other important people in their lives? Are they considerate and thoughtful or selfish and high-maintenance? All of these are important questions to consider.

When we’re dating someone and developing strong emotions for them, we can be willing to overlook some of these key points about them. This can get you into difficulties down the road when your relationship is challenged or tested by life’s circumstances. If you’re in a crisis, is this person going to be there to support you, will they have your back? Will you be willing to step up and be their rock in a time of need?

Take your time to really get to know your new partner, get to know what really makes them tick. Listen to their stories. Learn about them; study them as you would a new subject in school. The more you know them on a deep and intimate level, the more informed of a decision you can make about sharing your love and life with them. Doing this gives you the best chance of having a strong connection that will last a lifetime.

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters.

His weekend workshop, Two Days: Seven Conversations has become a popular venue for many to set off on their journey of connectedness. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers Stuart's Daily Notes, a new newsletter that offers relationship advice and resources 5 days per week and daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel.

Stuart practices in Scottsdale, Arizona, where he lives with his loving wife of many years, and their therapy dog, Ollie.