Food is Not Your Friend: Why You Can't Have a Relationship With It

Food is Not Your Friend: Why You Can't Have a Relationship With It

A Google search of "relationship with food" yields over two billion results. Experts constantly tell us to heal, improve, or change our relationship with food. Yet despite this focus, U.S. obesity rates exceed 40%. Perhaps we're using the wrong language entirely.

As a Food Story coach who gained and lost over 700 pounds before finding freedom from food addiction, I used to reference my "relationship with food" frequently.? Over time, I realized how the words we choose shape our reality. Words can empower or disempower, clarify or confuse. I now intentionally avoid that phrase entirely and encourage my clients to do the same. Why? Because food, by its very nature, cannot be in a relationship with us.

The Power of Questioning

“I thought of all the decades of meals where I missed important personal connections because I was focused on the food and not the person in front of me. And I knew for certain if I had done that to her, I had done it to many others.” – Excerpt from?Leaving Large: The Stories of a Food Addict.

Daily, I challenge my community, clients, and readers to question conventional wisdom about food, eating, and hunger. As Urban One founder Cathy Hughes often says, “Information is power.” But what if the information we’ve internalized is false? What if cravings are a signal, not a moral failing? What if "comfort food" is actually discomfort food? What if the notion of having a “relationship with food” is flawed?

Defining Food and Relationships

Let’s start with the basics. What is food? According to definitions:

• Food provides nutrients – substances that supply energy for activity, growth, and bodily functions.
• It’s any nutritious substance consumed to sustain life and growth.

Food is inanimate. Its purpose is singular: nourishment. It solves hunger — a physical state — and nothing more.

Now, consider the word "relationship":

• A relationship is the way in which two or more people regard and behave toward each other.
• Healthy relationships share mutual respect, trust, and affection.

Notice the key word:?mutual. Relationships involve reciprocity, something food cannot provide. Food does not respect, trust, or love us. It simply exists. The idea of having a relationship with food conflates its function with the emotional connections we experience with people.

The Emotional Trap

Our society ties food to emotions and milestones. From birthdays to funerals, food is ever-present. Instead of authentic communication and connection, we’ve been conditioned to express and suppress emotions through food. Have you ever eaten instead of talking, crying, or grieving? External messages bombard us with the idea that food is the answer. But food is not our friend, our confidant, or our comforter. It is not equipped to fill emotional voids.

Breaking the Myth

In?Leaving Large: The Stories of a Food Addict, I write, “Food is life. Food is creation. Good food mixed with good friends is all good.” But we’ve muddled the mix so much that we often prioritize food over the people around us. Consider this scenario: It's 3 AM, and you're devastated by a breakup. You call your best friend, and they soon arrive with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to console you. Three months later, seeing that same ice cream brand in the store, who do you really love - your friend or Cherry Garcia ice cream? Do you call your friend next time or just buy ice cream?

This illustrates how we've confused food with relationships. We live in a society where food is positioned at every emotional crossroads. It sits at the intersection of family, race, culture, identity, status, education, religion, and economics.?

Food’s Limitations

Here are just a few things food can never do:

• Tell you a side-splitting, laugh-till-you-cry, pee-in-your-pants joke.
• Kiss you on the forehead, nape of your neck, elbow, or elsewhere.
• Offer advice that you have absolutely no interest in hearing.
• Apologize for being thoughtless.
• Lend you $500 and forget about it.
• Borrow $500 and pay it back.
• Give you $500 just because.
• Sit with you all night in the emergency room of a hospital.
• Send you belated birthday cards, every year.
• Provide an alibi.
• Be a character witness.
• Break out in a giant cheese-eating grin at the mere sight of you.
• Wrap you in the biggest, tightest, warmest bear hug ever.

Food’s inability to reciprocate emotions makes it a poor substitute for relationships. Misplacing emotional expectations on food not only sets us up for disappointment but also perpetuates unhealthy eating patterns.

When we talk about having a "relationship with food," we give it power it doesn't possess. We expect it to fulfill emotional needs it can never meet. This language trap keeps us stuck in patterns of emotional eating and food addiction.

Empowering a New Mindset

Changing how we manage food and emotions leads to mastery and it begins when we start changing our words. Instead of attributing emotional qualities to food, focus on its purpose: nourishment. Reframe your thoughts:

• What if learning to manage food is the first step to healing relationships with yourself and others?
• What if cravings are cues to explore your emotional state rather than triggers for guilt?

By reclaiming our power over food — and the language we use to describe it — we can break free from myths and focus on the authentic connections that truly matter. Food is not a companion, a therapist, or a friend. It’s simply fuel for the body. Food is a tool to use. Let’s stop expecting it to do what only relationships with people can.

The solution begins with changing our words. Instead of trying to "heal our relationship with food," we need to:

• Recognize food's true purpose as nourishment
• Build authentic connections with people
• Develop real coping mechanisms for emotions
• Create celebrations that don't center around eating
• Find comfort in human relationships, not empty calories
• Understand that food management is a skill

As I write in?"Leaving Large: The Stories of a Food Addict,"?"Once I realized that precious time together was the tie that binds, food became an afterthought and not the centerpiece."

Call to Action

The next time you find yourself attributing emotions to food, pause. Reflect. Ask yourself: What do I really need at this moment? Often, it’s not a snack but a conversation, a hug, or simply time to process your feelings. Let’s start shifting the narrative and empowering ourselves with words that heal and clarify. Food can nourish your body, but only relationships can nourish your soul.

Want to learn more about breaking free from food confusion? Here is a free resource:?Mind Over Meals: 7 Secrets to Rewire Your Brain for Healthy Eating.

Words matter. And the sooner we stop expecting relationships from food, the sooner we can build the real connections we crave.

#FoodAddiction #EmotionalEating #MindsetShift #LanguageMatters