'FOOD FOR THOUGHT': Walking the fine line between ‘Supporting’ or ‘Enabling’ bad behaviour.

Definition:

The term 'enabler' generally describes?someone whose behaviour allows a loved one or colleague to continue self-destructive patterns of behaviour. This also applies to individuals and their personal decisions on health and wellbeing.

Lately, I have been thinking, is this 'enabling behaviour' also part of the toxic cultures we have across New Zealand in many family units, communities, politics, and organisations.? In fact, I believe it is a 'world wide' issue.?

Have you?ever considered that unproductive behaviours may well be a result of?chemical imbalances?within our bodies due to environmental toxins, bad diets, and poor/interrupted sleep, illnesses, lack of exercise, and increasing stress levels.??These impact?how we?communicate?and?engage?with one another on both a personal and professional level.

We all have people we care about. We also have destructive people in our lives that if we had a choice, they would not be part of our lives.??Maybe it’s extended family members, a neighbour, or colleague at work who at the end of the day, if you never laid eyes on them again, it would be ‘pure bliss’.??

Humans are complex in so many ways. Often we can’t see the ‘wood for the trees’ around our own behaviours – let alone in others, until we dive deep into personal self-reflection and self-development to find the skills to create a happier, more innovative, and productive life.

I also think we can enable our own bad behaviours, or how we show up to the outside world. Deep down we know we need to mend our ways, seek counselling for deep, embedded hurts and resentments that weigh us down with that drowning feeling. Often for many, even a whole lifetime, people don’t have the courage to look these issues face on and deal with them once and for all. Not to mention the negative breakdown in relationships that come from personal lack of action.

So, what is the difference between ‘supporting’ and ‘enabling’?

Supporting is about helping others around you to identify and take personal responsibility to facilitate positive change in their lives to gain back control. In other words, supporting people to become ‘participants’ for change in their lives, instead of just been ‘by-standers’ watching the fall out of what they have/or have not done or said.

Enabling is about keeping someone from dealing with or ignoring the bad behaviours which then gives the clear message to the person concerned that this is somehow acceptable.??

Two examples that spring to mind are:

? When one family member is left caring for an elderly parent for a long period of time with no support from other family members who always seem to be missing in action with?little or no conscience?at all.??I am seeing a huge increase in this behaviour from talking to others, and I can relate to this from personal experience of 13 yrs. Therefore, in this situation, the 'enabling behaviour' becomes a triangle, i.e.: the person providing the care who feels unsupported; the person/s who never step up to help; or even the parent who becomes so dependent on that one family member because they know deep down that others within the family unit will never step up which leaves them in a very vulnerable position. So, in the end, the enabling behaviour affects everyone concerned which creates deep seated resentments all around.

? Or when a colleague creates a toxic work environment for others around them and management decide to turn a blind eye to what is going on offering no support to either the perpetrator or the victim/s.

Another key factor to this is often enablers try to problem solve for the perpetrator. Therefore resulting in the enabler feeling as though they are doing something good as the enabler shows their continued love and support.??

But the enabler is hurting the perpetrator who ends up creating negative relationships around them which often leaves others to ‘quietly quit’ from the perpetrators lives once and for all.? This can cause generational quitting as well. ?And in doing this, everyone loses.

For many enablers, they are often blind to the bad behaviour, often making endless excuses on the other person’s behalf. Having the much-needed conversation just becomes too hard and too stressful so one takes the easy path.?

But if ‘individual’ or ‘employer’ enablers make a personal choice to be a supportive participant by making a?conservative?effort to address bad behaviours, they ultimately can make a real difference in the perpetrators’ life. But again, the perpetrator needs to have the desire and life skills to make the necessary changes in the first place.?

Finally, I invite you to share your thoughts and wisdom on this.

THE END.