Follow your heart, even when it terrifies you.

The other day I posted a video of me dancing in front of over 100 people.

You may look at it and think a number of things:

"You must do this all the time. "

"Wow, I could never get up there and do that. "

"You don't care what anyone thinks about you, I wish I didn't. "

"I'll never be able to be free like that. "

Actually--

I look at this and I have so many thoughts that run through my head.

10 years ago, dancing in front of people freely was a dream I told myself I would NEVER do. "You are crazy. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Did I mention not in a million years?"

4 years ago this felt like an impossibility.

Even 9 months ago this felt like an impossibility.

I didn't wake up and just start dancing in front of people. A few years ago I wouldn't even dance for myself and when I did, I couldn't even look in the mirror. I told myself I was terrible at it; I still do in fact.

There's always two inner voices, the inner critic, and the inner cheerleader. My inner critic has run my life for 31 years. I've finally stopped allowing it to take charge.

You may ask "why", it's the scarier route. The inner critic keeps us safe.

Yes. The inner critic keeps us safe, it keeps having us create the same BS every single day of our lives. The mediocre, the mundane, the 'almost creative but not really because I'm copying what I saw Sally do last week.' Frankly, I look at this video and my inner critic has a field day. I see every flaw in my dance moves, I see every imperfection. I see everything I wish I was perfect at. Yet I know that's not what other people are thinking.

Hell, maybe they are thinking that. I don't know. What I've come to learn and realize is that I have to stop caring. I have to let go of the inner critic. I have to acknowledge the inner critic with my whole heart and realize, I want to be a professional dancer, actor, performer, writer, director, cooking show host, and singer. I want it so badly sometimes I cry at how much I want to be fully expressed as an artist. Happy tears, sad tears, they all come out. It's better than a few years ago.

A few years ago I was numb, I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad. I was a shell of myself watching the world pass me by, watching the world at my fingertips. I simply observed.

I didn't really know what it was like to live. I was so afraid of following my heart that I cut off from it. If you'd asked me what I wanted to do, I couldn't tell you frankly. I would have given you a whole list of what I didn't want. I didn't want to get fired. I didn't want to live like this anymore. I didn't want people to think badly of me. I didn't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of myself. I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want anyone to call me a fraud.

So I hid. I had a big fancy title at Microsoft but inside I had no idea what I wanted and I was terrified to even find out. So in 2020, I quit. Despite fear, despite not knowing, despite not having enough money saved up for the year like I'd planned. I just quit. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter anymore because frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore.

I left my six-figure job because it was costing me my life and frankly I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't actively suicidal, but I felt like a zombie. There'd be times I'd be driving down the road and all I could think about was swerving into oncoming traffic. The thoughts would come quickly and I wouldn't listen to them, but there were a few times I almost did. There were a few times I thought maybe it would be better.

I believe in reincarnation, so I thought the next lifetime would be easier.

But the smaller voice, the voice of my inner cheerleader, the voice of my heart, knew that wasn't what I really wanted. It knew there was so much more for me to explore in this lifetime. My inner cheerleader knew I had so much left to try. My inner cheerleader knew there was a better way. My inner cheerleader knew I could live the life of my dreams if only I could let myself. I just needed to stop asking for permission to be myself. I needed to stop letting everyone else decide what was best for me. I needed to stop being afraid of upsetting anyone.

You see, leading up to this freestyle dance moment, I stood watching for 15 minutes with my friend. I stood there watching, wanting to make sure it was okay that I went out there. You see, this was a random K-POP dance event. It had been planned for months. The organizers picked songs that everyone knew, so when the songs came on, whomever knew the song would rush out and perform the K-POP choreography. I didn't know any of this.

I knew there were people dancing, and I knew there was a song when no one jumped on the floor at first. So I leapt. I let go of all the rules and I simply danced. I let myself freely express my soul even though I had no idea what I was doing. I just let my body go. Untrained, un-choreographed, and in my mind uncoordinated. Yet no one else knew that, no one else saw that. They cheered, they were so supportive. They were so happy for me. I received so many compliments afterwards.

So how did I get from being numb to jumping out there when no one was there? One small step at a time.

9 months ago, I started dancing in a random coffee shop in Honolulu. I was terrified. (The link works if the video doesn't).

I can barely watch this video either. I did it though. I let myself experience what it was like to just do what I would love.

4 months before that, I went live dancing during my Empowering the Artist training in a private facebook group.

Every single time I watch, I want to cringe. I want to judge myself. I want to hate myself for my imperfections.

I want to dance like a pro. I want to bust a move like Britney.

I've come so far in a year though. So here's to acknowledging the journey. Everyone starts somewhere.

What haven't you allowed yourself to do lately?