Follow the joy!

I’m English.? And English people love to complain!

For us it’s a way of connecting with each other.? A common currency, and a great way of starting a conversation.?

If you’re waiting for a bus in the UK, a very common way of striking up a connection with a stranger would be to say something like “Isn’t this bus service awful?!”? They would reply by agreeing, and perhaps adding their complaints about all the other things that aren’t working in the country, and their opinions about why “it’s all gone off the rails”.? It will almost certainly involve blaming the government, particular politicians, or anyone else they dislike.

There’s nothing wrong with this as a way of making conversation.? But it does have implications if we make it our default way of being.? On the whole, if we use complaining in this way, it makes us feel worse.? Why?

Energy follows attention.? What we pay attention to on creates our experience.? Good coaches have known this for years.? What we focus on feels larger to us.

You can test this out right now.? Put your attention on your feet.? Feel how they are touching the ground.? Feel if they are warm, cool or neutral.? Notice if any part of them feels tingly or itchy.? Now, I’m guessing that you are much more aware of your feet than you were 30 seconds ago.? They feel much more significant to you.

Now imagine that your feet (or another part of your body) were uncomfortable.? The more you focus on them, the worse they would be likely to feel.? Especially, if you add the thought “I hope this doesn’t go on much longer”, or even the thought “Does this ache or pain mean that there’s something seriously wrong with me?”

There’s a native American Cherokee story about this.? A grandfather tells his granddaughter “We have two wolves fighting inside us.? One is mean, cruel, vicious, angry.? The other is kind, strong, loving and open.? These wolves are locked in a struggle, one against the other, all the time.? This is how it always has been.? This is how it always will be.”? The granddaughter asks: “But grandfather!? Which wolf wins?”? The grandfather smiles kindly and says “Whichever one you feed.”

The more we focus on what is negative or difficult, the more challenging it will feel, and the lower we will feel emotionally.

I am absolutely not suggesting that we ignore or bypass difficult thoughts, feelings or emotions.? I’ve written about this at length in my article Don’t Just accentuate the Positive.? Emotions are messengers.? They often have valuable information for us about things that we need to change in our lives.? Also, trying to repress or ignore them tends to make them come out sideways, in ways that are unhelpful to us and others.? The solution is to learn how to conduct difficult feelings, by listening to them and learning how to feel them.? (If you want to know how, the article I’ve linked above will give you some practical suggestions on how to do that).

What I am suggesting is that many of us as leaders or speakers need to learn how to rebalance things.

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How do we rebalance?

The first step is to notice that difficult or unpleasant sensations, emotions or thoughts seem to have a gravity to them, rather like the gravity of a planet.? We have evolved to be threat based, or have a negativity bias.? There was an evolutionary advantage, for thousands of years to zeroing in on what feels wrong, painful or difficult, and ignoring things that feel neutral or pleasant.? Our brains have adapted accordingly.

The first step to escaping a signficant amount of gravity is to recognise that this force is in play.? It’s not right or wrong.? That’s just how it is.

Rather than bypassing the difficult emotion, sensation or thought, it’s really helpful to acknowledge it with self-kindness.? And to recognise that it is difficult.? There is research to show that activating self compassion releases reward chemicals in your brain and actually makes you feel better.

There will usually also be parts of your brain that will be in opposition to relating with that difficulty, because it doesn’t feel pleasant, and therefore those parts of your brain will view it as a threat (see above).?

(I like the “parts” model of the brain from Internal Family Systems (“IFS”) because it is a useful map to understand how our psyche functions.? Rather than viewing ourselves as a unified “I”, it is helpful in my experience, to imagine a committee sitting round the table with different agendas and different points of view.? This is a little bit like the film Inside Out, where different emotions sit round a central control panel, with different ones in charge at different times).

The oppositional parts of your brain are labelled “Protectors” in the IFS model.?? Their job is to try to “protect” us from feeling stuff that we imagine is too painful to feel.? They can create tension in the body (which in itself is uncomfortable or painful), or trigger worrying, distracting or procrastinating thought patterns.? More often than not, these protector parts are not helpful, because they make things feel worse.? But they are not the enemy – it’s just our psychology managing as best it can with the tools it’s got.? If they can feel that “someone else” (another part of our brain) is effectively managing the situation, they tend to relax, and we immediately feel better as a result.

I’ve written elsewhere in detail about how to relate to these parts.? (See for instance –this article on relating with fear), but for now if you notice a part or aspect of you that is busy hating on your sensations, emotions, thoughts, it may be enough to say to that part (with kindness)? “I know you hate that [thought/feeling/emotion], but for now we’re just going to let it be and focus on something that feels easier and more pleasant, because that’s really going to help us feel better”.

Now let’s switch gear and look at how.?

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What feels good?

Right now, notice where in your body feels most comfortable.? This is relative.? It may be actively comfortable – right now as I write this blog, I notice my belly feels pleasantly warm.? It may simply be neutral – right now, as I type, I notice that my hands feel fairly neutral and are tingling very slightly.

Once you have noticed one or more of these areas, choose one and allow your attention to rest there for a little while.? It can help to notice how large the area is, what its temperature is, whether you can notice any particular sensations in this area.? Notice what happens in the rest of your body (and perhaps your mind) as you allow your attention to rest on something pleasant or neutral.

Right now, as I allow my attention to rest on my warm belly, I notice that my jaw is releasing.? I also notice that I find myself looking out of the window and enjoying the sight of the trees I can see there.? (We’ll do more on looking at pleasant objects below).? As I feel the warmth in my belly, I notice it spreading slightly, the area becoming larger, and I notice my jaw releasing a little bit more and my shoulders releasing slightly.

Overall, as a result of doing this for about a minute, I notice a greater sense of balance and wellbeing, and a very quiet sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

This doesn’t need to take long.? 30 seconds to a minute of paying attention and feeling in this way can make a huge difference.

So now we’ve got that under our belts, let’s look at some other ways of feeling more ease and joy.

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Visual Pleasure Centring

Just as paying attention to pleasurable or neutral areas of your body can give you a greater sense of relaxation, joy or wellbeing, it can also help to pay attention to anything within your visual field that gives you joy.

Right now, glance around your room or out of your window and allow your eyes to rest on anything that gives you pleasure to look at.? Soften your gaze to bring in the periphery around the object, so you’re not staring at it.? Let yourself absorb this object in an almost physical way.? If possible, let seeing it touch your heart.

It can help to ask yourself what you enjoy about the object in this moment.? Notice also how your body responds as you look at it.? As I look at the pink orchid on my windowsill, I can feel warmth in my heart and my breathing slowing down.? The warmth in my belly increases and feels more pleasant.? I can feel myself feeling emotionally touched and grateful to be experiencing its beauty.?

My eyes naturally drift to the trees I can see outside the window.? I let my eyes rest on them for some seconds with a soft gaze.? I can see the branches very slowly shifting in the breeze and the leaves moving a little.? I suddenly notice that there is a fine mist of rain falling.? I am suffused with a gentle sense of tranquillity, and once again feel emotionally touched in a low-key way.? There is a very quiet sense of joy and pleasure.

Once again, this entire sequence took between 30 seconds and 1 minute and really shifted my mood.

Also, as a bonus, this paying attention and feeling shifts me out of my mind (that can often worry) and into a place of greater groundedness and confidence.

This is a practice that you can easily incorporate into your day a few seconds at a time, and you can certainly call upon whenever you feel anxious or nervous.

Which brings us on nicely to…

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Gratitude

As I was noticing the pink orchid just now, I noticed a sense of thankfulness or gratitude.

There are a lot of scientific studies suggesting a link between actively cultivating gratitude and a sense of wellbeing.

Check out this article from Harvard University about the detail of some of these studies.

Here are a couple of my favourites from the article.? ?In one study, people who wrote daily for a few minutes about what they feel grateful for a period of 10 weeks.? Others wrote about things that they felt irritated by, and others about things that had happened to them (neutral).? After 10 weeks the grateful group felt more positive and optimistic about their lives and they also exercised more and had fewer visits to the doctors!? (Compared with the other 2 groups).

In another study, a psychologist, Dr Martin E.P Seligman tested various positive psychology interventions compared with a default assignment of writing about early memories.? The sample size was 411 people.? When the weekly task was to write a personally deliver a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for their kindness, participants experienced a massive increase in their happiness scores.? It was the biggest for any of the interventions tested, and the benefits lasted for a month.

Easy ways of accessing gratitude are to spend 1 to 2 minutes every evening making a list of 10 things you feel grateful for that day.? They need not be big or original.? That you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, that you were able to go for a walk.? It doesn’t matter if you often name the same things.? As you write them down allow yourself to feel that gratitude in your heart and notice how your body responds.

My partner and I spend a couple of minutes every evening sharing things we are grateful for, often alternating back and forth.? It’s a lovely way to end the day and a great way of strengthening the muscle of gratitude.

By the way, there is research that suggests that actively telling other people what you are grateful to them for strengthens your relationship with them.

There is even research that suggests that managers who remember to say thank you to the people who work for them find those employees are willing to work harder!? (See the Harvard article mentioned above for details).

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Feel stronger and more powerful

Not only does accessing positive emotion make us feel better and more confident, there is reason to believe it makes us feel stronger and more powerful.

One of my teachers, Paul Linden is an Aikido master.? (Aikido is a defensive martial art, for those who are not familiar).? Paul taught me that on the Aikido mat practitioners gain strength and power by accessing an attitude of warmth or even gratitude towards their attacker.? Instead of opposing the attack the skilful Aikido player will say “thank you” for the energy of the attack and redirect it.

Paul has written a book on Embodied Peacemaking.? He says that if you want to negotiate effectively or make peace with someone opposing you, it’s really important to feel strong and powerful first.?? To negotiate from a position of confidence and strength.? In his experience (and mine), activating the heart using any of the methods outlined above is be a great way of doing this.? Another he likes to use is simply to invite people to “Think of someone who makes your heart smile”.

Do it right now.? Just think of anyone in your life who makes your heart smile.? Notice how it feels and the effect it has on your overall sense of wellbeing.

If you want to see an example of how accessing emotional warmth also makes you stronger and more powerful, check out this nice little video by Paul on YouTube.? I’ve used this experiment with hundreds of workshop participants and it absolutely works!

So any time you’re wanting a bit more confidence, strength or power in any given moment, just think of someone who makes your heart smile, or use any of the techniques above in this article.

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Wrapping it up

Hopefully, I’ve given you some pause for thought about our inbuilt negativity bias, but more importantly given you some easy to implement tools for accessing joy, pleasure, warmth and satisfaction on a moment by moment basis throughout your day.

Not only will this make you happier, but it will also make you a more confident and effective leader or public speaker.

As always, I’d love to know how you get on with practising these techniques. Do leave me a comment below or drop me an email.?

Wishing you many moments of joy today.

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Daniel Kingsley is the Director of Presence Training. He helps people to be more authentically confident speakers and leaders.