Focus on your intrinsic values

Call it mid-life crisis, or a rude awakening pursuing the hedonic treadmill, you suddenly realize proving yourself does not leave you feeling enough. This imbalance of effort against fulfillment, has been a major cause of burn out for me at various stages in my career.

Recently, as I work with my mentors and coaches, I have been reminded to use my values as my guide. Self care is not about bubble baths and massages...it is about creating boundaries and living life guided by our values. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my values, and being intentional to tie my self worth to my intrinsic values (inherent gifts, character values, impact I bring by simply being me) versus my extrinsic values (external validation, people pleasing, fitting in, accomplishments, checklists, milestones...), but it is so much easier said than done.

From a young age, I was rewarded for extrinsic values and perhaps that wired me that way. But how does one go about finding their values? On deep contemplation, I realized I had several pivotal moments in my life where critical and crucial feedback from mentors, managers, teachers, and my spiritual guru culminated into discovering and strengthening my intrinsic values over time.

1. My high school math teacher pulled me aside and gave me critical feedback that while I had finished my work and was ahead in the class, I was missing the opportunity to help my seat mate in understanding the complex concept. I was being self centered and that is not who I wanted to be. Helping others was an intrinsic value, doesn't mean my behaviors even reflected my belief, but her calling me out on it was a huge boon to shaping my values around humility.
2. My spiritual leader wrote me a letter congratulating me when I ranked first in my high school and got into Northwestern University. He acknowledged those extrinsic values but also reinforced that I must aspire to reach similarly great heights in my faith and spiritual knowledge. It was a great reminder of worldly accomplishments being temporal and fleeting, and prioritizing my intrinsic value of faith.
3. My first manager during my engineering co-op wrote me a recommendation letter for business school did not write about my 4.0 GPA or my excellent engineering skills, but rather focused on my work ethic based on what he saw in my self-control and courage in following my religious practices, and the dedication I showed in my volunteering efforts at the temple (mandir). Until then, I had never realized the impact I was effortlessly having on others around me through being true to my value of service inside and outside of work.
4. My grandfather wrote me a letter as a gift on my wedding day sharing important values of maintaining unity in our marriage, and how compromise and sacrifice are not a weakness but in fact a mark of strength. Clearly our ancestors know marriages are not about those fancy wedding receptions and photo shoots and extrinsic things, but ultimately about who we become as a couple. He gave me feedback about my temper and my impatience, which I tend to lose when I don't get those extrinsic things, but I believe he reminded me to stay true to my intrinsic values of unity.
5. My first consulting project manager at the start of my career Anjali Goel gave me feedback on how to be assertive while still being true to my authentic self. Ironically, she game me the book "Nice girls don't get the corner office" but also showed me how you can truly be a leader without being mean. To this day she is the sweetest manager I have had. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, be me, bring my passion and smiles into the room as my strength and not as a weakness, is something I learned from her own smiles and energy she brought into every room!

Why am I sharing these moments today?

FOR SELF: I know each one of us have had pivotal moments like this when someone focused on reminding us who we are, what we stand for, and who we can become. But some of us haven't taken the time to do the exercise of discovering or unleashing those intrinsic values. Discovering them doesn't mean we live them everyday, but they are definitely an important guide that help us find ourselves when we lose balance or feel unfulfilled chasing extrinsic things!

AS A LEADER: There is also a very important leadership lesson here for any one who is parenting, teaching, leading, or guiding teams. During feedback sessions or performance reviews, we tend to focus on results (the what). Some of us may go deeper into behaviors that drive the results (the how). But very rarely, do we get into discovering or discussing our employees' or kids' beliefs (the why). However beliefs shape our thoughts, our identity, and guide us to our purpose!

So really, this is a reminder to you and me, to discover and stay true to those intrinsic values: "YOU ARE ENOUGH".