Focus on the person...not the disability

When I was 9 years old, I got the devastating news that my father had an industrial accident and was left as a paraplegic and never walked again. I have grown with my father being in a wheelchair and my boys and nieces, only known him to be in a wheelchair. It was nothing out of the ordinary for us. In the beginning, we had to adjust to our new reality. Maybe we need to change ‘disability’ to ‘pos-ability’ as we always focused on the journey moving forward.

One sage piece of advice my father imparted upon me were the words: “Focus on the person…not the disability.” What my father meant by this was that when we focus on the person, we are acknowledging their abilities but if we focus on the disability, we are now focused on their limitations. He never wanted anyone to show pity on him or treat him differently.

Let me share a simple example of an interaction I encountered. A couple of weeks ago, I had a meeting at a coffee shop and as I got there, there was a person in a wheelchair and as we both approached the door at the same time, I opened it but said to this person, “I will get the door but not buy you the coffee.” I did not want this person to feel that I was rushing to open the door because he could not. So we both had a laugh and then I went to sit down while the young man went to the cash register. While waiting for my friend, I walked up to the order area and the lady said, “Actually, he bought you the tea!”, I looked over and he had a smile and wink and I started to laugh and then he and I had a wonderful conversation. It was not awkward or difficult. It was just two people talking about life.

I think the simplest way to remember my father’s advice about focusing on the abilities can be through the following ways and these are respectful and inclusive way:

·?????? Smile – The simplest of things is to just smile and look them in the eyes. Ask them how their day is going. You are making the conversation inclusive as if you were talking to anyone else

·?????? Ask before assisting – I always ask, “Can I get the door for you?” and don’t just run up to open the door. You would be surprised how independent someone with a disability is.

·?????? Show empathy not sympathy – One of the worst things to do is to demonstrate pity or how sad it is that someone is disabled. With my father, we focused on the 5,000 things we could do and not the 1,000 things we could not do.

·?????? Never allow them to be a burden – A person with a disability has lost some sort of capacity and they may feel that asking you, it will be a burden. Lighten their thought by deflecting the question. I know when my father needed immediate care and no one was available, I would go over and he would look at me as if he was sorry to ask but I replied, this is urgent care, I need triple time and then my father would say, “What is triple of zero?” and we would both laugh and it was deflected.

·?????? Don’t baby someone with a disability – A person with a disability wants to be included and not feel like they have to be handled with kid gloves. If you think someone with a disability needs to be careful, try sitting in a wheelchair and participating in wheelchair basketball or rugby!

·?????? Disabilities come in ranges – Some disabilities are barely noticeable and some are significant. Don’t make assessments or judgements about a person’s disability.

·?????? Be aware – I always find that I am looking at how accessible a place is if someone has a disability. If you notice a challenge, notify authorities that a particular place may not be accessible.

I never saw my father’s accident and being in a wheelchair as a negative, it is what life dealt us and we grew up with it. I learned much about being inclusive based on someone’s disability. I reflect that going through life with parents (my mom in the last 10 years or so as well), I am grateful that I got to spend quality time with them. I will end with how I started…focus on the person and not the disability.