The Fly In The Kitchen Window...part 2

Anger Management and the No Choice Syndrome.

Anger Management

Back when I was in London filming “Mortal Kombat Annhilation,” I had a slight volcanic explosion. I guess it really was just a ‘blip’ on the radar screen of explosions...but it reminded me of my anger issues. I had been scheduled to start work a bit later in the day than the others...and it turned out, that the best way to get me from the hotel to the set, was for me to ride in the Limousine with one of our main stars. I had really liked this guy’s acting, and had a ton of respect for his martial art skills, so I was happy to have the opportunity to relax and chat on the long drive to the warehouse on the outskirts of London. During our conversation, I mentioned my tremendous respect for his talent, where-upon he then pointed out the fact that most people on our film did not have his amazing talent...and that, since my boyfriend was the main producer of this film, well, ‘that’ must be why I had been hired! “Like I didn’t have the talent?” “Sure...I couldn’t come close to HIS obvious skill, but...!” “Like I hadn’t earned my position of respect in the film world, and specifically AS a martial artist in the film world !?” “Like I hadn’t established a great reputation for film fighting!?” “Like there was someone else with more talent, that was the right size for these girls I was doubling!?” “Like I wouldn’t have gotten this film if it weren’t for the boyfriend!” “B_ll Sh_t !” “How incredulous!” “What a conceited, egotistical, narrow-minded, un-informed asshole!” And I struck the passenger window with my fist. Hard! “Whack!” Startled, the British chauffer looked back at us and frowned at the actor at his obvious rudeness. I just turned to the thankfully, unbroken window and stared out at the passing scenery. “MORAN!” I thought.

Yes...at times in my life...I’ve had a horrible temper. Not that many people in my life have witnessed it...as it rarely makes an appearance. Still...whether caused by stress, memories, lack of food, or too many hits to the head...it has been a very real issue I’ve had to face, as I’ve punched through doors, walls, and occasionally people. NOT good! Especially as a martial artist. We are the few whom are supposed to be ABLE to control our tempers!  Well...I’ve discovered that once again, acknowledgement of the problem is 9/10ths of the solution. I’ve learned to pay attention and recognize the warning signs so that I can avoid the upcoming trigger. I’ve done a lot of introspective self analysis on what causes my anger...and what ARE the trigger points. As a result, I’ve been able to implement the changing of habits, patterns, and the adopting of techniques so that I’ve been able to develop a healthier lifestyle (emotionally, physically, relationship-wise). And to a large extent...I’ve even learned to eliminate the CAUSE of my anger.

I’ll give you an example. My triggers have to do with conflict, confrontation, confusion, emotional stress, and unjust actions and behaviors from others. So as a simple rule...I’ve learned to re-arrange my life so that I don’t often encounter these triggers. I like to keep friends and loved ones in my life who are patient, non-confrontational and whose actions and interactions agree with my own. When my loved ones DO start to raise my anger level...I make a genuine effort to back away from them and leave them be...instead of letting my anger surface and go toe to toe with them.

There were many times when talking with my mother on the phone that she would raise my anger meter. It took me a LOT of years, but I finally learned to react appropriately. I would say, “Mom, I love you…but I have to go now. We’ll talk later.” And I would simply hang up. Very effective. Especially when I refused to answer the multiple phone calls that would instigate.

I try to avoid or minimize interacting with people whom are irrational or unjust in their thoughts and actions. I make it a point to keep rational and just people in my circle of life and cut out the negative and ugly types.

I take jobs or create work in areas where I know I have some flexibility and lower stress levels...so that I can prevent myself from being backed into a corner and pushed to the breaking point. 

Back on the film, ‘A long kiss goodnight,’ I had a problem facing negative people on set. Basically, I ignored them and did my best to perform with professionalism and lack of response to their negativity. 

I choose to live in areas that re-generate my soul and give me a sense of peace...rather than feeling the rush and hurry-scurry of living in bigger cities. 

I remember my last days in Los Angeles...where the constant traffic jams and angry motorists began to affect me in a very negative way. I began to understand what ‘road rage’ was all about. And I knew then...that to preserve my sanity and others safety...I needed to remove myself from their unjust and irrational behaviors on the highway. Tail-gators...be forewarned!! You don’t mess with Texas...and you don’t mess with the Hee-woman when she’s in a car! I guess I should have a bumper sticker on my car saying, “Proud member of AMA!” (Anger Management Anonymous)

Thankfully, I bailed on Los Angeles and began to live a wonderful, peaceful life in New Mexico, complete with horses, dogs, goats, chickens, ducks and turkeys. Wonderful and relaxing!

The No Choice Syndrome

“I can’t go to college because I don’t have the money.”

“I’m afraid I might fail, so I don’t even want to try.”“I can’t do this because I don’t know how”

“I can’t trust anyone because someone took advantage of me years ago.”“I don’t have a choice in life because, life just happens!”

 WRONG!

I know this...because ‘that’ was ME! I grew up thinking that I didn’t have a choice in life. Being raised with a strong Southern Baptist influence, I was taught that if you wanted something to happen in your life...you just prayed to God. And if God didn’t make that happen, well...then it must be because you were a ‘sinner’ and didn’t deserve it...or that you just didn’t pray hard enough. So of course, I just went with the flow of what happened around me, and I did a heck of a lot of praying. 

 That’s how I grew up because A) I didn’t realize that I could choose to make things happen myself (I didn’t realize I HAD a choice). and B) Even when I began to realize that maybe I did have a choice (that, maybe I could help God help me),I used to be afraid to make that decision! You see, there can be a big problem with making choices. It can be terrifying as to which choice to make! Choosing which path to take can be more overwhelming than accepting fate as it’s handed to you. Hey...if you allow someone else to make the choice for you...if you just ‘go with the flow’...then if the consequence is bad, you can blame them!  But, what if YOU choose to do something...and it turns out to be a BAD choice, and it has bad consequences! This time...it’s all YOUR fault, and that can seem like a horrible, life wrenching fate! 

This is how I grew up thinking, because I used to believe that a choice was a permanent thing...that once I made it...I had to stick to it come hell or high water. (“Hello...” “Year of the Ox!”) So since I didn’t want make the wrong choice, I would agonize for so long over which direction to go... that I often wouldn’t make any choice at all!

 I remember one of those times when I agonized over which choice to make. I was in my mid 20’s living with my soon to be husband in the San Francisco Bay area. And my mother, who lived in Louisiana with her parents contacted me often about coming to see my grandparents before it was too late. They both lived in a senior center now...and were having a difficult time getting around. I especially loved my grandfather Abner Causey (Papa C.). Even as a little girl I could tell he had a heart of gold. And I remember the times when they would visit us in the orphanage for a day and take us to the church across the street. As a very young girl with little attention span, I would spend the sermon playing a game with his hand, where I would walk my fingers across the back of his knuckles...and he would suddenly catch my little fingers in a playful hold. Of course, sometimes I couldn’t suppress a little giggle, and my grandmother would give him a stern frown, and we would stop playing the game...for a few minutes.  

 Though the years I had also grown to love my grandmother Maude (Mama C.). She was very stern the times we interacted, when I was growing up, and I had always held it against her that she would not take us kids in after my mom abandoned us. Yet time had softened her in her later years, and I began to appreciate what she HAD done for us by taking us in on holidays and with the visits to the home, when no one else would come. So, eventually, I came to love her also. Anyway...I remember when my mom kept telling me I needed to visit them while there was still time...yet I hesitated. I couldn’t decide whether to go...when to go...how to orchestrate my schedule so I could make time. So what did I do? I did nothing. Twice. When both of my grandparents were still alive...and then later, when my grandmother was on her death bed. You see...I had a lot of built up anxiety about seeing them, knowing it might be my last ‘good-by.’ I had a lot of anxiety from ‘old memories’...going to Louisiana and being in that environment and with my mom. So I did nothing. And it was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life! I wish I knew then, what I now know...that making NO decision IS a decision! I will have that regret the rest of my life.

 Fortunately, I finally discovered there is a wonderful thing about ‘choice’ (besides not having painful regrets)...and that is, that you can change it anytime, anywhere, anyway you want!  Now, I’m not saying that once I make a choice...that I should just ‘give in’ at a ‘moment’s notice’ and throw integrity, dedication and perseverance out the window! All I’m saying is that it’s important for me to know that when something isn’t working out to my advantage...when I am not making progress towards my goal...that when I am miserable and KEEP hitting my head on that kitchen window...well then, I need to know when to take a step back and MAKE a CHANGE! (Wow...that reminds me of Michael Jackson and the wonderful messages in many of his songs!)

 Fortunately, I began to discover this when I finally took that single step with courage and set off on that very rocky road to Olympic gold. Then, little by little...from Olympics to Hollywood to Motivational Speaking, I made the discovery that I DO have a choice in life. I discovered that I cannot always control what other people do...but I CAN control my reactions. It wasn’t my fault my step father molested me. But it’s MY choice if I’m to let that frustration, anger, humiliation, embarrassment and memory ruin my future relationships. I can’t control the fact that I grew up with memory recall problems, but I CAN choose to deal with this handicap by developing my strengths and compensating for my weaknesses. I didn’t have a choice that I was born into an unloving, unsupportive environment. But it’s MY choice on whether to blame the people in my past for my feelings of inadequacy and lack of confidence, and allow myself to wallow in self pity...or choose to ‘let the past go,’ and learn to develop a new, loving and supportive group of friends and family. And just like everyone else, I can’t always control whether I get what I really want in life. Yet I CAN choose to do the best I can and enjoy each moment of laughter, playing dogs, floating clouds, running horses, trading stories, sharing confidences, accepting love, and living life to the fullest.

 For me...life used to be ‘safe,’ but also shallow and fairly meaningless because I was too afraid to make a choice. Now, I’ve discovered just how wonderful it can be when I take that risk and accept the challenges that my choice may bring. It’s opened up a whole new rainbow of color and a whole new world of experiences. It’s given me so much more happiness and joy than I could ever have dreamed of. 

...Like a drowning person clinging to a life-raft, I made the determination to save myself by clinging to my long standing dream of Olympic Gold. So at the age of 25, I took the little glimpse of hope that my newly found talent in Taekwondo gave me…I told myself, “Be not afraid!” and I took one tiny step towards my dream. I took that first step, and figured out where I was versus where I wanted to be. Then I took another step, and started developing my strengths and compensating for my weaknesses. I set goals, and I made a game plan. Well, that one step with courage, led to another step, and another and another. It was as if each step opened up the door as to which step to take next. The choices to make became easier and easier.  And that’s when I made the greatest discovery of my life…that by keeping my focus on each of those single steps along that rocky road to the Gold, there was no room for my fears to interfere and derail me from my objective! And with every step that I took, I came a little bit closer to my Olympic dream. By the time I entered that ring at the Olympic Games...I finally knew in my heart that I was good enough to win!

 That first step I took towards my Olympic dream was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But it made me realize, that if I can take ‘that’ step...which seemed absolutely impossible...then surely I could take the next step and the next and the next. It’s kind of funny, but that first step always reminds me of that famous and fun movie, ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’ You know…the one about, the “Holy Grail?” Remember how the ‘keeper’ of the “Holy Grail” motions to a table full of dusty old drinking goblets, where one of them is the ‘cup of life,’ and he motions to Indiana Jones and the bad guy, and says something like…“There on that table with many other cups, is the ‘cup of life.’ “If you want it, you just have to reach out and take it.  “Oh…you have a choice…and you must choose…but choose wisely!”

 That life-long feeling, deep inside…of victory or defeat, of happiness or misery…is in YOUR hands, with the choices you make every single day of your life! I know! Because I used to choose poorly!

 I am so much happier now that I know that it is completely up to ME and no one else...whether I choose to live life to the fullest or become the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’...watching other people make their dreams come true and experience true happiness. “Fly...or Happiness?” “Hmm....which do I choose?” Now...there is no question in my mind about which choice to make. (To be continued)