Flowers For Me

Yesterday I sat for hours with a friend, catching up and straightening kinks after not having seen each other since December. It was quite refreshing as she is someone who I have no qualms being honest with, especially face-to-face. I sometimes hate how technology does not always convey messages as they were intended, but that is a story for another day.

No topic was off-limits in our conversation, which went to the lowest of the doldrums to the highest of tempos, with all the drama and flair accompanying the different stories.

Both of being being entrepreneurs, albeit at different levels, we of course discussed business.

The topic of a business that I once owned and enjoyed running came up. For once, I didn't feel the anxiety, shame, panic and swallow-me-ground tension that I had been feeling for a long time after I shut it down. People who I didn't even owe any explanation would ask me about it and I would feel my throat drying up. People who were far from bystanders in my life. Mere passers-by would ask me and I would shake.

With time, I did take the space to give some thought to the life and times of a 7 year old venture that I run mostly single-handedly.

I put down the good stuff, the bad stuff and the ugly stuff that occured in that period of time. The moths that came with the flame. The people who really believed in me. The ones who sabotaged me (including sponsors who never paid even after participation in the events), the suppliers I let down, the staff that I had to let go of, the run-ins with folks who tried to copy my ideas, the travels, the fun times, the friends I made and still have to date, the fabulous and glamorous moments, the people who helped me and those who harmed me. The people I helped and those I might have done wrong. I took it all in and gave it ruthless and tearful analysis. This did not happen one morning or afternoon. It was an ongoing process of looking and releasing.

I started to notice that each time the questions came, from random sources, my body reacted in better ways. I was able to have calm conversations about it, albeit brief. I was experiencing GROWTH!

So yesterday when my long-lost friend asked me, I think I glowed.

I started to name all the good ways in which my business venture had impacted women's lives around the country. How, in my own ways, I had inspired more and more women to take up space and be heard. How I had brought together women from various cadres into places they otherwise would never have come into and given them a chance to connect, to network, to make friends, to do business, to learn and to feel fabulous without being pretentious! It was no mean feat for a 25 year old! I DID THAT! ME! I had put a mark on earth, positively.

So when she asked if I could do it again, I said when the bug bites, I do not think I will resist.

She went on to ask what I would have done differently, I said nothing. And it was true! Nothing would I have done differently. I did my very best with the resources I had at the time and kept adding to my knowledge and skill set on the go. I was good at my work, I was a force to reckon with. My company's name was a top-of-mind and still is for lots of folks! It was an aspirational and inspirational space to be at.

Companies saw the opportunity to sell directly to an already clustered group of women and they took advantage of it. I definitely could've worked with active, step by step mentoring but I definitely did not sleep on the job. I enjoyed almost every person I did any work with, heck I even miss some of them to-date. This story could go on and on with different angles coming up as my memory gets jogged, but that's what autobiographies are for. (Buy the book).

I am taking this opportunity to give myself flowers, to appreciate myself for stepping up to fill a gap that hadn't been filled before. For giving women the best that I could at the time. For not giving up even when I literally FELL, for dusting myself off and getting back in. I am giving myself flowers for keeping my face to the sun at all times and for blocking my ears when I needed to.

I am giving myself flowers for daring while young, naive, with no connections, no money and definitely no idea what I was doing; and thriving while at it. I am giving myself flowers for not letting it all get into my head, for maintaining clarity and simplicity even though I was all of that and a bag of chips. I am now all of that and the whole potato plantation.

I am giving myself flowers for being the platform or reason why several business started and are still here. I can name a few confidently. It is such a good feeling to know that someone is shining because you lent them your light. So good!

I am giving myself flowers for holding onto the faith that million dollar ideas are coming my way coupled with cutting edge strategies for success, that my tomorrow will be better than today and definitely even better than any of my highest and proudest moments. The best is yet to come for me. I am holding onto my flowers and sticking my nose into them for encouragement when my faith starts to wane.

I am giving myself flowers for being honest with myself, for being patient with myself, for not comparing myself to others, for not being bitter in the struggle and definitely for not waging useless wars.

I am the whole field of flowers!

Have you given yourself flowers today? Go ahead, appreciate yourself.