Flipping a Switch

Barbara blinks open her eyes and glances at the smartwatch on her wrist. It's 6:55 a.m., which means she has only five minutes before her children have to get ready for school. "Well, at least I slept seven hours, which means...298 burned calories!" she exclaims as she taps the Sleep app. She then tosses her bed sheets to the side and steps into a hot shower. She comes out from her room in a flash, wearing an orange floral miniskirt, a yellow loose-fitting blouse, a light-blue vintage denim jacket, and a pair of dark-brown, knee-high leather boots. But her smile fades as she realizes the kids woke up while she was getting ready and, as a result, have already wrecked the living room. There's multicolored play dough on the floors, strawberry jam on the sofa, and a dripping grape juice box on top of her beloved curved TV. Barbara explodes with rage before she realizes it, screaming and yelling things she will later regret.

A taxi passes by outside her apartment complex. In it, an anxious Jan is making his way to the airport. He'll be making a pitch in a matter of hours for what he considers a life-changing contract for his start-up company. This explains why he's dressed so elegantly in a new graphite grey, single-breasted wool suit, a crisp white, button-up, long-sleeve cotton shirt, a pair of black Oxford shoes, and, of course, his lucky green four-leaf clover tie. "The traffic is insane!" he exclaims. "We haven't moved much since you picked me up. Turn right now and take the highway," he says firmly to the driver. "But sir, the sat nav shows that conditions are even worse there. Actually, it indicates clear roads for us a few meters ahead," he responds. "Take the highway, I know what I'm doing," Jan instructs. The driver obeys his command, and they soon find themselves in the worst traffic jam they've ever seen. Almost immediately, raw rage flows through Jan, who screams and curses and shakes in fury.

At the airport, Karin waits in line to check-in. She's dragging three large suitcases and a small carry-on. In addition, a backpack and a large, bulky purse dangle from one of her shoulders. She also has her passport and booking confirmation in her hands. She’s properly dressed for a transatlantic flight with a recycled nylon, black designer tracksuit, and a pair of comfortable limited-edition mint-green sneakers. "Next!" the lady at the counter exclaims and Karin approaches her. The airline representative scans her passport and then spends a few seconds frantically typing on the computer's keyboard. "I'm sorry ma'am, the flight is overbooked and I'm afraid there's no more space for you today. But we'll gladly move you to the next available option, which is...ahhh yes, tomorrow morning," she says, smiling. Something snaps inside Karin almost immediately; her eyes darken, her mouth twitches, and her entire body shivers with rage. She shrieks and squeals and becomes viciously mean to the lady. She slams her hand down on the counter, threatening to take everything in her path. "Ma'am...ma'am...calm down. I see on my screen that we just had a no-show. A gentleman who cannot arrive on time. We can give you his seat so you can travel today," says the lady, almost panicked. "Then give me my boarding pass! And don't expect me to apologize. You should be ashamed of your behavior!" screams Karin as she walks toward her gate.

Anger is a perfectly normal response when we feel stressed, frustrated, or irritated. It’s particularly present when something goes wrong or when we believe someone has wronged us. It can range in intensity from a minor annoyance to out-of-control rage as if someone flipped a switch inside us. While it's tempting to think that we can just learn a few tricks to help us manage it, the best way to achieve long-term change is to first understand the process. So, let’s begin with how the brain functions in such situations.

Judith Siegel writes in her book Stop Overreacting that most episodes of overreaction occur when the amygdala, the key player in the processing of fear, is overstimulated. When this occurs, hormones are released that prepare our bodies to rev up so that all of our available energy can be used to fight or flee. Our temperature increases and our muscles tense. Furthermore, in order to make the best decision possible, different parts of the brain try to communicate quickly and efficiently, as well as access acquired knowledge. However, when a situation elicits an intense feeling that we don't fully comprehend, previous experiences that share the same emotional flavor as the current event are resurrected to assist us in quickly making sense of what's going on. When our thoughts and feelings are no longer firmly anchored in the present, our ability to see things objectively is lost. To summarize, an overreaction consists of three components: an event that causes a sense of danger, an immediate response that involves our emotions, and an interpretation of unfolding events that may be colored by beliefs, defenses, and memories.

According to Siegel, when we overreact, three key defense mechanisms kick in. We see things in an exaggerated manner while under the influence of splitting. Everything is either all good or all bad. Splitting not only obscures our judgment but also intensifies our experience. However, in order to see things in such an extreme light, another defense mechanism, this time denial, is required. It acts as a pair of blinders, preventing us from noticing or giving much credence to anything that contradicts our one-sided viewpoint. As if that weren't bad enough, the combination of splitting and denial frequently flood us with memories of similar past experiences. These memories and leftover emotions mingle with the present situation, amplifying our reaction. Splitting, denial, and flooding can all be activated in under 30 seconds, resulting in an intense reaction that has little to do with the situation at hand.

So, a person or event, or even the recollection of them, can irritate us. But wait, there's more. We frequently use anger to avoid dealing with other emotions, such as fear, loneliness, or loss. This is because being angry feels better than being in pain. Furthermore, becoming angry allows us to conceal our vulnerability. This switch frequently occurs unconsciously in order to protect us from having to recognize and deal with our true feelings. It’s also easier to turn our attention to others rather than to ourselves.

Up to this point, we've learned about how our bodies react to various anger triggers, how emotions and feelings flood our minds during the process and some of the factors that exacerbate our reactions. Furthermore, we've identified parallel goals that we might be pursuing when we let rage run wild. This is extremely valuable information because understanding how the process works allows us to break free from the vicious cycle of anger-overreaction-hurt-shame. We can avoid triggers, catch ourselves on time when we notice physical cues and meditate on past experiences or buried feelings we try to hide when we overreact. This is especially important to prevent our anger from becoming a persistent issue. According to Psychology Today, chronic anger is widespread and reflects an ongoing attitude of hostility, irritation, or resentment toward oneself and/or others. It can result in intermittent explosive disorder, which is characterized by recurrent behavioral outbursts caused by a failure to control our aggressive impulses.

So far, we've concentrated on how to avoid having to manage our anger. However, controlling our anger requires willpower, which is not an infinite resource. What if all hell breaks loose and we find ourselves in the middle of an outburst? Is there anything we can do to avoid exacerbating the situation? There is, indeed. David Lieberman suggests in his book Never Get Angry Again to plan ahead of time a predetermined course of action to take when we can't think clearly. When our emotions veer into the anger track, a pattern interrupt does just that: it derails our train of thought. It quickly sharpens our focus in order to keep the locomotive from gaining speed. A pattern interrupt can be any incongruent action, such as snapping our fingers, or thought, such as picturing the person we are angry with shrinking. Interruptions also reduce the intensity of the initial stimulus, effectively neutralizing the damage.

As previously stated, anger is a completely natural human reaction. So, we're all set to go through it from time to time. And, even if it isn't our intention, we’re likely to cause harm to others in the process. We frequently say things we don't mean, act in ways that don't reflect who we really are, and break all communication regardless of the pain we cause them and ourselves. In the end, we find ourselves in relationships that need healing and reconciliation. Figuring out how to apologize comes in handy here. Molly Howes defines the components of an appropriate apology in her book Good Apology. She goes on to say that we should seek to understand the other person's injury, express genuine regret, make restitution, and demonstrate that it will never happen again.

Easier said than done, right? We struggle most with our pride, that little voice inside our heads telling us that it should be them apologizing, not us. According to the Journal of the International Society for the Study of Individual Differences (ISSID), people with low self-esteem tend to expect rejection from others and thus, refrain from apologizing to avoid being hurt. They would rather deal with their irritability, anger, and emotional distance than with their vulnerability. TED notes that it's also possible that these people have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos can't take the blow of admitting they were wrong. To them, apologizing could lead to feelings of guilt and shame, which would be a major threat to their basic sense of self. If we find ourselves avoiding saying sorry more often than not, it may be worthwhile to explore options for increasing our self-worth, self-confidence, and self-love.

If I could talk to Barbara as she lets go of her rage with hurtful words, I'd remind her of Ambrose Bierce's?wise words: "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." If I could have a word with Jan as he unleashes his pent-up rage on helpless victims, I’d quote Mark Twain: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” And if I could say anything to Karin while she lashes out uncontrollably, I'd reference what Benjamin Franklin once said: "Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. April 1, 2023.

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