The Flippancy Of Fatherhood
Father’s Day isn’t necessarily an easy one for me. This past June was Year 43 of not being a dad. I hate how all-in we are societally on “trauma,” but yes, it does feel somewhat “traumatic” at some level. Short version of my arc is that I didn’t get married until 32, so I was “late” by some standards anyway, then that marriage ended at 36, then I got remarried close to 40, and now I’ve been on this generalized infertility journey for 1.5 years or so. It sucks, is the easiest way to say it.
I don’t really have an unifying theme here, but there are a couple of things I would like to comment on quickly:
The idea of being a “hope merchant:” When you are in an infertility spiral deal, what happens is that eventually you start to look at other couples around your orbit and be thinking stuff like, “OK, she’s 31 and they have one kid… that announcement could be coming soon.” Now, most women (well, maybe half) are good at breaking the news of a new baby 1-to-1 to their struggling female friends. Some women suck at this, and blast it on Instagram, and it’s a whole thing that I wish more people would talk about, but it’s hard to discuss because it can feel like you’re attempting to undercut someone else’s joy in the process, and that’s not good either. Anyway. You go to events and birthdays and meetups and you see some woman pull your wife aside, and you know “OK, that’s that announcement of a new/first kid,” and then you have to go into this “hope merchant” model for 24 hours, where you’re telling your partner, “Hey, this will work out somehow or some way,” even though in reality you have absolutely no idea if that’s true. You have to sell hope, or some vision, that you yourself cannot see. It’s actually emotionally pretty taxing.
The flippancy of fatherhood: This plays into the whole narrative, but on the male side. Dudes love — and I mean love — to discuss their virility. And I mean, why wouldn’t they? It’s a big marker for men, absolutely. But in the process, they say inherently flippant stuff like “Well, we went to Barbados on a work performers trip and BAM, I mean, that’s Kid №3!” Now, this is lighthearted banter in an attempt to connect for most guys, and I get that. I also wouldn’t want people constantly walking around on eggshells in front of either gender. That’s also brutal. But there is a flippancy to male discussions about becoming a dad, like “Oh, well, that bottle of Chardonnay after movie night did it!” It’s not that easy for everyone, and in reality, there were probably a million things that needed to happen internally for that Chardonnay night to even work. So just have a tiny bit of empathy. That’s all. You can still get your jokes and your narratives, but make it a tiny bit less flippant.
You’re not a “babysitter” to your kids: I know some women who go nuts about this, and I think they should actually push the narrative harder in some ways. Lots of guys like to talk about “solo dad” weekends and how they’re “babysitting” their kids. I’ve heard this from multiple guys with 3+ kids. I get that it’s hard, no doubt, but do you truly “babysit” your own progeny? It feels very reductive and actually shitty to say that. Lots of guys also like to equate having two children on their own for 12 hours to winning a war in Iraq solo. Maybe it does feel that way, no doubt. But … it just feels like, if you wanted something to put yourself on the cross about, couldn’t it have been work, or a hobby, as opposed to the creation of new existence?
Tough day overall, and maybe these observations mirror that. But … just some thoughts from a dude who still can’t get over that hump.
Takes?