Flight 4184

On October 31, 1994 I was finishing up attendance at a trade show specific to large format printing companies (think banners, flags, stage backdrops for outdoor events).? I was due to leave in the mid-afternoon for a flight back to Denver where I was living at the time.? I got back to my hotel just after noon, retrieved my bags and went straight to cab line (remember those?).? For some reason an older limo pulled up when I got to the front and another guy who was headed to the airport jumped in with me to share the ride.? Just as we pulled out the driver got a call to pick up one more passenger at the same convention center I had just come from.? The driver asked if we would mind if she picked him up.? We were both way ahead of schedule so she pulled in to pick up a man in his mid 40’s.? I recognized him because I had stopped by his company’s booth as our company had purchased equipment from them in the past.?

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We all introduced ourselves.? We made some lighthearted conversation mainly about car racing since we were in Indianapolis.? The guy we picked up was a huge NASCAR fan – even bought pit row tickets and brought his daughter and wife to races.? I teased him that a sport with all left-hand turns isn’t really a sport.? He laughed but urged me to do the pit row thing.?

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He kept checking his watch.? I asked if he was late for his flight.? He said that he was trying to get on an early flight to Chicago to catch another trade show and it was going to be tight to make it.? I asked the driver to drop him at the American Airlines departure area first since both the other guy and I were early.?

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We finished our ride exchanging business cards and told him I’d be in touch if we needed to upgrade our equipment.? I told him I hoped he made his flight.?

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As I was walking towards my gate about 20 minutes later, I saw a small American regional turboprop back away from the gate.? I figured that might be the plane he was trying to make since it was a short flight to Chicago.? I remember distinctly thinking “I hope he made it on.”?

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Upon landing in Denver, I learned that American Airlines flight 4184 from Indianapolis to Chicago crashed after flying into severe icing conditions while in a holding pattern for O’Hare International Airport.? There were no survivors.? I was a mess not knowing his fate.? His business card carried his office number which I finally called two days later.?

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They confirmed he was on the flight.? I shut the door to my office and cried for what seemed like days.?

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In the limited times I’ve told this story the reaction is the same.? “But it wasn’t your fault” or “you can’t blame yourself for his death.”? I understand that people were trying to make me feel better, but I knew, and still know, I was the reason he made that flight. ??

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The real lesson in all of this was the mistake I made later.? I wrote numerous versions of a letter I intended to send to his wife.? To tell her that he had a good day.? That we laughed.? That he loved that they went to NASCAR with him.? That he seemed like such a good man.? That I was sorry for her loss.? But each draft felt way too self-serving or apologetic.?

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I never sent the letter.? And I have never forgiven myself for that.? I never will.? When you get the opportunity to tell someone something important, f*cking take it.? Don’t look back at the opportunity with massive regret like I do.?

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I eventually tossed the letters and his card.? Pushed it way back in my mind.? It only comes to mind occasionally which it did yesterday.? I googled the crash and saw the date.? Of course the crash had come to mind.? It’s almost October 31st.? The mind has a way of reminding you of important life lessons if you are still enough to listen.?

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Thanks for reading this little slice of my own history.? And by the way, I never have or will try to get on an earlier flight to my destination since then.?