A Fleeting Flame

Background:

In an online chat room, Victor and Kabuki cross paths. What begins as a simple exchange sparked by curiosity about Kabuki's username evolves into a profound dialogue exploring themes of identity, loneliness, love, and mortality. Despite the veil of anonymity, they share intimate thoughts and reflections, delving into the complexities of human nature and the universal quest for connection.

Date: Saturday, August 12, 2000 (18:00 GMT)

Location: Yahoo – Books & Literature chat room

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[Victor sends a private message to Kabuki]

VICTOR

Hello.

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KABUKI

Hello?

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VICTOR

How’re you?

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KABUKI

Do I know you?

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VICTOR

No.

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KABUKI

Why did you send me a private message?

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VICTOR

Your name appealed to me …

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KABUKI

It’s a nickname.

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VICTOR

What’s your real name, if I may ask?

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KABUKI

Annette.

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VICTOR

Nice to meet you Annette.

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KABUKI

Thank you.

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VICTOR

What is Kabuki?

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KABUKI

Do you know anything about Japanese theater?

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VICTOR

No.

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KABUKI

Kabuki is a traditional Japanese form of theater, where performers use elaborate costumes and makeup to exaggerate their facial features and emotions on stage.

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VICTOR

So, Kabuki serves as a mask?

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KABUKI

You can say that.

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VICTOR

Victor is my real name by the way. I don’t understand why people use nicknames.

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KABUKI

To hide their identity, obviously.

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VICTOR

But it’s irrelevant.

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KABUKI

Irrelevant?

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VICTOR

Yes.

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KABUKI

Funny.

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VICTOR

Funny?

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KABUKI

Yes, the word “irrelevant” is funny.

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VICTOR

What’s so funny about it?

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KABUKI

When I hear this word, I think of an elephant. The two words sound similar to my ears.

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VICTOR

Interesting … Do you chat often?

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KABUKI

No.

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VICTOR

Me either, but sometimes we carve that human connection.

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KABUKI

Yes.

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VICTOR

Unfortunately, some people aren’t honest about themselves here.

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KABUKI

Yes, as in real life.

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VICTOR

I guess so …

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KABUKI

Some people live in a world of make-believe, while others sacrifice truth to their own advantage. This occurs in real and virtual life, but more so in the latter, due to the veil of anonymity.

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VICTOR

Yes, it helps conceal their vulnerabilities, or veil their darker side.?

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KABUKI

Darker side?

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VICTOR

Yes, the one that resides within us.

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KABUKI

Well, maybe that’s why I’m wearing a kabuki mask.

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VICTOR

You don’t feel comfortable about who you truly are?

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KABUKI

Until I am whole and healed, I won’t recognize my true self, even if under my very face.

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VICTOR

I see …

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KABUKI

Sometime I accept invitations to go out and be with others. The only thing I haven’t done well is to fully immerse myself in that moment and experience the event. I am the face out in the periphery of the crowd. Even though I am there, I am not there. I am the audience and the actor playing to the audience.

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VICTOR

I also grapple with being both the audience and the actor. It’s a dilemma …

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KABUKI

A dilemma?

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VICTOR

Yes. I mean, we feel isolated when we do not engage with others. Despite our reluctance, however, we still play our assigned roles, for good or bad. ?

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KABUKI

Yes.

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VICTOR

We cannot be and not be at the same time. We have to be something.

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KABUKI

Yes. You sound different from the other men I’ve chatted with here.

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VICTOR

Likewise … I’m charmed by you … ?

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KABUKI

We see what we want to see. Thanks anyway.

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VICTOR

I like to know more about you Annette.

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KABUKI

What do you want to know Victor?

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VICTOR

Whatever you feel comfortable about sharing.?

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KABUKI

I am the real me. The core of me that has thus far survived can be nurtured and re-grown. I am my child, my mother, my sister and my own confessor.

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VICTOR

Yes …

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KABUKI

I am passion and apathy. I am joy and sorrow. I am a complicated, amazing woman who will be the peak and the valley for the most fortunate man. I have no doubts. I just have to weather this time in my life, and I hope to grow wiser for it.

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VICTOR

I understand …. ?

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KABUKI

You do?

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VICTOR

Yes, despite not knowing or seeing you.

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KABUKI

Distance gives us anonymity and makes us feel more comfortable about sharing. And as I share with you my truest me, I have no regrets nor remorse.

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VICTOR

Thank you. I don’t understand why we require distance to gain perspective and appreciate the beauty of things.

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KABUKI

Those who live in beauty take it for granted. When we are part of the picture, we are not aware enough to appreciate. We are befuddled by the fact of being humans.

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VICTOR

Befuddled?

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KABUKI

Yes. We do not realize that we are spiritual beings on a very human journey.

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VICTOR

Yes, spiritual beings, on a very human journey. I like this phrase.

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KABUKI

On a human all too human journey!

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VICTOR

You make me smile!

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KABUKI

Good!

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VICTOR

Do you smile often?

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KABUKI

Why not? Wearing a mask doesn’t mean that I cannot change expressions, even when happy or saddened.

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VICTOR

Can I ask you a personal question?

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KABUKI

Yes.

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VICTOR

Do you have someone in your life?

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KABUKI

Not anymore. You?

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VICTOR

Yes. I’m engaged.

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KABUKI

Congratulation!

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VICTOR

Thank you.

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KABUKI

Being in love with someone special is a such a joy, isn’t it?

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VICTOR

Yes …

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KABUKI

And how nice it is to feel love, be loved back, to have a family, and children.

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VICTOR

Yes, family brings much happiness and stability into our lives.

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KABUKI

When are you going to get married?

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VICTOR

In a few months.

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KABUKI

She must be special.

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VICTOR

Yes, she is. I love her. She’s pure and innocent.

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KABUKI

Well, celebrate your fiancé’s purity and innocence, because my lover left me emotionally laying naked, crying on the floor. I felt used and abused, and like a dirty handkerchief, discarded!

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VICTOR

I’m sorry…

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KABUKI

When I was with him, I forgot God. Passion was my God, and my lover was the priest. I remember waking up, not with the joy of living and thanks like I used to, but with the thought of my lover.

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VICTOR

Yes …

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KABUKI

When I discussed this with him, he had the audacity to compare it to the fervor of the monks residing in an abbey near us. There was something sacrilegious in equating our physical zeal to the spiritual dedication of the good brothers, the monks. Their whole life spent in prayer to glimpse that one instant in their mortal life, the face of God.

VICTOR

What was he like?

KABUKI

My lover was my equal, but surpassed me in amazing discourse and rhetoric. He was a masterful manipulator. I fell in love with his mind; his body had long passed its prime.

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VICTOR

Long passed its prime? How old was he?

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KABUKI

He was 57. I saw nothing of that. He worshipped my body and I cherished his spirit and mind. Yet, we still did not have a complete relationship, much less complete in ourselves.

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VICTOR

Annette

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KABUKI

Yes?

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VICTOR

Nothing.

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KABUKI

What?

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VICTOR

I don’t know what to say it … I never felt like this before …

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KABUKI

You never felt like this before? I don’t understand! What do you mean?!

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VICTOR

I mean I just feel so connected to you …

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KABUKI

You don't know me Victor.

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VICTOR

Not I don’t, but I relate to what you’re sharing with me. We all have painful experiences in life. They ultimately define us. We are thrown into this world and we are on our own.

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KABUKI

We all face our predicaments in life alone. We do all the major things in life alone. We are birthed alone, from between our mothers’ legs. From that moment onward, we are alone.

VICTOR

Yes …

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KABUKI

Even in climax, whether it’s simultaneous or not, it’s still a lone experience.

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VICTOR

I see …

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KABUKI

And when we die, even with our loved ones surrounding our beds, we embark on that final journey alone.

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VICTOR

Yes.

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KABUKI

Afterwards, the bonds of mankind are temporarily lowered. The illusion of separation gives way to a profound feeling of connection. In that brief moment in space and continuum, one is no longer alone. The human condition of loneliness subsides, overcome by a sense of unity that transcends the individual.

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VICTOR

Since you mentioned death, I want to share with you that I have often contemplated it. I don’t mean that I seek it, but if it would come to me, I would embrace it, and with arms outstretched toward heaven.

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KABUKI

I am also not afraid of death and you express it far better than I do, “With arms outstretched towards heaven…” That’s how I exactly feel. I embrace it, even when life is at its peak.

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VICTOR

Admittedly, this is easier said than done Annette. I mean life is precious and we can never know our true feelings about mortality until that fateful moment arrives. While death might turn out to be our ultimate liberty, we might never be ready for it. The unknown is scary.

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KABUKI

I guess so.

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VICTOR

I’m sorry our talk has taken such a morbid turn…

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KABUKI

Don’t be, I don’t mind talking about it.

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VICTOR

Really?!

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KABUKI

Really!

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VICTOR

You are scaring me!

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KABUKI

I have heard that before, from the men who have been close to me.

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VICTOR

I see …

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KABUKI

Not that I am such a deep well, it’s just that I bring out in them what they know to be true and it makes resonance to what they have never heard. It’s their fears of themselves and their passions. Not the fear of the little, small, me.

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VICTOR

True …

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KABUKI

What time is it there?

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VICTOR

It’s almost midnight.

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KABUKI

It’s pretty late here. I need to sleep.

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VICTOR

When will we talk again?

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KABUKI

You are engaged Victor.

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VICTOR

So what? We can be friends.

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KABUKI

I already feel this deep and abiding friendship and what is love, but friendship caught on fire? At least the love I look for. I do not believe in love at first sight. That is the chemical pull of lust. The knowing and unveiling of self to self is when friendship happens and then, sometimes, the wind blows harder and the flames ignite.

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VICTOR

It would be a pity not to see you again Annette.

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KABUKI

I control my destiny Victor. I want no complications other than what I struggle with now.? Even if the complications are just in my mind, they are real. Can you understand???

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VICTOR

Yes …

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KABUKI

You are a special man.

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VICTOR

I will never forget you …

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KABUKI

Me too.

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VICTOR

Please don’t let this end.

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KABUKI

We must. We are both fire, and we will burn and consume each other even before we realize it. And it will all be for nothing, believe me.

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VICTOR

OK, as you wish…

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KABUKI

Good night.

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VICTOR

Good night…

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VICTOR

Annette?

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VICTOR

You’re still there?

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VICTOR

Annette? Answer me please.

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[Kabuki is offline and can no longer receive Victor’s private messages]