FLASHBACK

Little One: What was that?

What?

Little One: That awful feeling, a hand pressing into my chest, my stomach dropping, head clouding …

I don’t know, never mind. It’s gone now, right? Let’s not talk about it.

Little One: You always do that. You always look away. I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore.

Okay, okay, it seems I went from a feeling I could not name to a defense against naming it.

Little One: I can name it. You felt hurt … criticized, rejected, diminished.

Don’t be so dramatic. Well, maybe.

Little One: I think so. I remember it from a long time ago, a flash through my head and my heart.

I can’t quite remember.

Little One: Not with your mind, maybe, but you remember as a reflex. It happens, and then you swat it away immediately.

I’m afraid I can’t withstand it, I guess. 

Little One: And, you’re good at pushing stuff away because I got so fast — we did.

Yes, that’s my instinct, what my inner voice instructs me to do. Hurt, repel, forget. The moment a whiff of pain is in the air, I shut off, withdraw. There I am crouched in the corner trying my best to get to my feet!

Little One: I am sorry. I’m that inner voice, right?

It’s okay, you simply whisper warnings. You can’t know where they come from.

Little One: Yeah, and you get so busy and distracted.

Thing is, I hear your whispers and without hesitation snap right into “stung, avoid, dismiss.” It’s the middle part that’s really sticky. In avoiding the feeling, the sting, I don’t get to experience myself differently. I always experience myself as you did.

Little One: Hey!

No, no, you were perfect. You defended us in the best way possible. If you had felt each rejection fully, you might not have kept going. 

Little One: You know what? I think that’s why I get sad when I see you are hurt and then you immediately get all tangled up in your defenses. I can’t do anything different … but I thought you’d be able to.

Yes, by deliberately changing the pattern, right?

Little One: I don’t know. 

Of course, but I do. Interrupting old ways of navigation might look like this: stung (activation/trigger), go in before striking out or withdrawing (feel), find a resolution based on compassionate self-reflection, which leads to creativity rather than more hiding.

Little One: Ah, I get it, appreciate my view but don’t stay back here with me. Move forward so I have someone to follow! 

That’s it, exactly, a way to experience myself differently — expansive enough to shelter you rather than remaining so small that you have to shelter me. 

Little One: Okay, so what happened?

I felt hurt, abandoned. But I didn’t call the feeling by name; instead, I emotionally short-circuited. I joined with the other to feel safe and then rejected the part of me that made that choice — rejected you. Hmm, it feels good to say it out loud.

Little One: I see you now, a few feet ahead, your backbone is straighter, head held higher … it feels good when you look out beyond what I am able or want to see.

I will do that. More and more.