[Flash] Not For Me... Rethinking Boundaries

I?discovered a simple yet powerful boundary?dining with new colleagues at a trendy restaurant in Chicago. ?

I ordered a glass of wine, and the waiter asked, “Can I recommend something I think you’ll enjoy even more?” I said, “Sure…” (because?my default is set to “yes”)? ?

He brought us a taste of his favorite wine. It was good (not great), but I’m a people-pleaser, so I said, “I’ll take it.” ?

As the tasting traveled around the table, everyone else said, “Me too.” ?

Until we got to?Gena. ?

She took a sip, smiled, and?without hesitation, said confidently and unapologetically, “Not for me.” She then ordered exactly what she wanted. She wasn’t concerned about offending his feelings or ours. ?

My boundary envy soared!?I immediately respected this new friend and inhaled her inadvertent mentoring . ?

Typically, we consider boundaries as limitations, such as, “I cannot commit.” “I don’t appreciate that tone.” “I only work until 5.”? ?

But boundaries are not just about restricting or refuting.?Boundaries can be a communication of priorities and preferences.? ?

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says,?“We place boundaries for ourselves, not for other people.?It’s about what we can do in the future; it’s not always about what the other person needs to do.”? ?

So, what’s the challenge? Why do we hesitate to communicate what we want?? ?

People-pleasing and social conditioning?are largely to blame.?We tend to orchestrate our words and actions to nurture and protect people’s emotions. We work hard to avoid letting people down – this is known as?“emotional labor.”? ?

The Boundary Boss author Terri Cole says,?“Asking for what you prefer does not mean you are criticizing someone else.” ?

When we can?distinguish that a “No” is about the situation, not the person, we can unchain ourselves from this emotional labor.? ?

Which makes?“not for me” so brilliant! Undoubtedly, I’m referring to the situation and not the person, without any need to justify or elaborate. ?

So, when should we start using this power-packed phrase?? ?

Nedra says,?“Notice how you feel. Feelings tell you when and where you need more boundaries to feel less anxious, sad, or frustrated.” ?

Ultimately,?communicating a boundary?– even as simple as “not for me” –?fuels self-respect.? ?

And?without self-respect, we cannot learn or grow, regardless of the caliber of the mentoring.? ?

? 2024. Ann Tardy and MentorLead. www.mentorlead.com . All Rights Reserved.

ps. Have you registered yet for our 2024-Q1?complimentary webinar?? "Unlock the Power of Mentoring Programs to Retain Nurses, Improve Leadership, and Strengthen Your Hospital" Date: Thurs Feb 29 @ 11am PT | 2pm ET Register:?https://us06web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_Q692btvAQ72Ybi9JRvjlKA