FIXING THE WORLD IN LIEU OF YOURSELF

People like us are problem fixers. We tend to see the world in shades of grey, be open and kind-hearted towards people even when they have done things to hurt us.

It's how we end up in this overwork-struggle-burnout cycle, because we care and we want to make a difference and we inherently believe in the good in people and that our work, our help, our support will have an impact.

Whether we start out with poor boundaries (I know I did) or they erode along the way through a unique combination of overwork, bargaining with ourselves, tiredness, wanting to be liked or waiting for rewards, there's a move from a health level of input versus receipt to an imbalance so great that it's created the current muddy hill you're pushing a rock up.

There's a million ways to die in the west and that's not the focus of this blog.

This blog is about all the weird and ridiculous shit we do once we get somewhere towards 'face down on the carpet too exhausted to move'.

The first thing I want to get clear is that everything you do is for a very good reason. Keeping a never-ending open bottle of wine in the fridge may not be a great coping mechanism in the grand scheme of things, but it's why you've got it there. Ditto for those of you stuffing chocolate in your mouths right now, or the person reading this late at night in bed because they have spent the whole day do-do-doing and keeping such right control over every aspect of their lives that they can't unclench for a moment (I'm looking at you, Hinch-fans).

One of the coping mechanisms that was my absolute favourite in my burnout days, and that I occasionally fall myself falling into even now *coughthelast24hourscough* is this; trying to fix everyone else's problems so that you don't have to look at your own.

Thought you were the only one who hid in other people's dysfunction to avoid your own? Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Leah and I literally made a career out of it.

This coping mechanism can take several forms

> Always being the first one to support a friend in crisis and boy do your friends end up in crisis on a regular basis. Possibly because they are just as burned out as you

> Getting dragged in to other people's fights. I've done it not once, not twice, but three times in the last 24 hours. I'm aware. Why do you think I'm sharing it with you?

> Becoming a warrior for something. have you ever watched Community? Britta is a classic example of this, a social justice warrior who didn't meet a cause she couldn't adopt to avoid her own inherent self-worth issues

> Compulsively watching Love Island or TOWIE or the Kardashians. I don't mean it being a guilty pleasure that you do once a week or a fortnight, but watching every episode of Love Island and cancelling plans with others so you can live the vicarious drama.

For those of us in the helping professions, we do this every day by diving in to the problems of our clients/pupils/patients/customers and coming home to a messy house or empty bank balance or zero social life because work takes all of our time and energy.

Why?

Well partly because we've worked ourselves into a corner with fear and doubt and worry so we are terrified of trying to jump off the treadmill or ask for help.

It's also because it is so much less painful to deal with the emotions of others than to feel our own. So we dive deeper and help more people.

Let me be clear.

You are never going to stop feeling pain, being hurt by others or feel energised and inspired if what you're doing is using your work or your coping mechanisms as a poor facsimile for your own struggles.

The only way out is through as they say and whilst you might hate me for saying this, please understand that it's said from a place of kindness, experience and the full and certain knowledge that the longer you keep pushing your own stuff away in order to 'adult', the more it piles up.

Diving into romantic fiction novels, terrible over-dramatised television, chocolate and wine or simply keeping running until there's no more energy to deal with your own stuff isn't a long term solution. It isn't even a vaccination.

It's just you, single-handedly trying to hold the world together whilst the ground slips from beneath you.

Coping mechanisms only work for so long before something more substantial needs to take their place.

What do you choose?

PS August is a weird time for most - trying to hold everything together, dealing with increased workloads, kids if you have them. We're all supposed to be happy and smiley all the time but it can be tough.

It's for that reason that I opened up a few discounted 1:1 places for August only.

These are for you if:

You have a particular problem or situation you want support with, or you are new to me or to the work I do and want to experience some support in a specifically time (and financially!) limited way.

These are for you if you do the hokey-cokey over every offer of support but have held back because of fear or doubt or worry.

These sessions can take place anywhere you have an internet connection - a 60 minute secure video call, you can even join me in your pyjamas or in a meeting room at work (we've all done it!).

Click HERE to book your time, daytime, evening and weekend slots currently available!