Fixing a toxic work relationship with one question

At one point or another in our career, we are going to deal with work relationships that we might consider toxic. We might think of these relationships as unbearable, and it makes our work harder and our life miserable, yet we can’t avoid them. We simply can’t get along.  

What is a toxic relationship? You know it when you have one. They drain your energy, They drain you mentally, emotionally. When you are around them, your mood becomes defensive, and you struggle to do your best work. Unfortunately, this relationship you must endure as it is part of your everyday life. 

You owe it to yourself to make sure you do something about fixing this relationship. The standard advice to fix toxic relationships comes in many flavors; set boundaries, give them feedback about how they make you feel, involve HR, even fight back.  These focus on them and puts the blame on them. Therefore this will only make them defensive and unlikely to change.

Our initial reaction is likely to put the blame on them. They do this; they do that; we rarely think; what am I doing that is making them behave this way? Is their behavior at all influenced by something I do?

If we can understand what we are bringing to the situation, we will know better how to address it. Moreover, we won't get it unless we ask this person for feedback (e.g. what I had done?). However, feedback tends to focus on the past, and the person will be reminded of all the wrong things we have done.  

Another approach, which gives more positive information starts with asking the question: “What can I do to be a better partner, friend, coworker, for you”?  

Note that the question is not what have I done for you to behave this way?, which focuses on the past and puts the blame on the other person. But rather, what can I do to be better?; focusing on the future and you. A concept popularized by Marshall Goldsmith, Feedforward, is the bedrock of his very succesful executive coaching apprach.

“You can change the future and your behavior, you can’t change the past.”   -Marshall Goldsmith

If you are stuck in a toxic relationship, and you can’t seem to fix it, you may think it’s all the other person’s fault. Perhaps you have something to do in the way they behave. What you’re reacting to, may have little to do with them, and more to do with you.

Check the video below about Feedforward explained by Marshall Goldsmith himself.

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Luis is on Twitter, @luis1_velasquez. For some of his other posts, see, his business blog at www.velasconsulting.com and his book blog atwww.beyondthefear.com