Fixing Insecure Attachment

Attachment relationships formed during the formative years of infancy can play an impactful role in a person’s physical and mental health, academic competency, motivation, trust and future relationships, and a person’s internal working model – how one thinks about themselves and their relationship to others. As children grow older their attachment figures and secure base expand beyond the mother and parents generally to include teachers, other caregivers, and in adolescence and adulthood, includes friends, peers, and romantic partners.

But along the way, for numerous reasons, one may form an insecure attachment relationship with their primary attachment figure. There are three insecure attachment types: 1) ambivalent attachment which is characterized by intense distress upon mom leaving in Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Experiment in which the child exhibits significant distress and fear of a stranger but also rejects contact from the mother upon her return due to inconsistent response to the child resulting in the child developing a lack of trust and anxiety. 2) Avoidant attachment in which the child exhibits no distress when the mother leaves, plays happily with the stranger, and ignores the mother upon her return because the child has experienced a historical lack of attunement between mother and child in regards to needs met. Lastly, 3) disorganized attachment which happens because of a child’s unmet needs coupled with frightening or terrorizing behavior by caregiver, which is most often seen in abused children.

Occasional unmet needs and unresponsive care in securely attached children builds coping, self-soothing, and resiliency. But when a child’s needs are consistently unmet and they receive unresponsive or inconsistent care, it can be detrimental to a child’s cognitive development and actually damages the brain, impacting the architecture of the brain and neurological makeup.

The attachment relationship between parents and children becomes a significant topic of concern and since starting The Parenting Collaborative, has been a popular subject for parents wondering if their child exhibits all the characteristics of a securely attached child, and if they don’t, are left wondering if their child is insecurely attached. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I sometimes wonder during the moments where I lose my temper or cannot provide consistent care to one of my children, if this will damage our attachment relationship. The stakes are substantial.

I have gravitated towards attachment theory and why it is so important, how it impacts children and families and their wellbeing, and have been inspired by friends who wonder about their attachment relationships with their children. I often think about my own attachment relationship with my mother during sensitive developmental periods where she was absent for various reasons and the relationships I then built with my grandparents and godmother in her absence.

Here is what I love about the attachment theory – it only takes one intentional person to change an insecure attachment style. One person who shows up consistently, intentionally, with love and patience can rewire the neurological development that has taught an insecurely attached child they cannot trust or depend on their attachment figure to provide a secure base and meet their needs. That is powerful! Fixing insecure attachment requires someone to consistently respond to a child’s bid for affection, comfort, support and attention. This builds the trust necessary for breaking insecure attachment. One needs to be emotionally available for the child – even in the toughest of moments. Again, this builds trust, showing the child, you are there for them. Healthy boundaries with logical consequences help children understand who is in control – the adult. They no longer must fend for themselves; they can let that pressure go. Boundaries help all children feel more secure. Logical consequences help children learn and acknowledge that their actions, all actions, have consequences and how to cope with those consequences. Lastly an insecurely attached child (all children really) needs to have an adult who will repair fractures that will naturally happen during interactions between two or more people. That may be an apology, calmly explaining situations, corrective behaviors, etc. but this helps children know that regardless of any situation, they are worthy of being loved and love is unconditional. Insecure attachment is highlighted by an overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment, so unconditional love is going to be paramount for insecurely attached children. It also helps children learn how to apologize and repair when things have been fractured – valuable lessons to learn and put into practice.

Anything is repairable and that is beautiful. Intention plays such a pivotal role in parenting. How we show up for our children will determine the relationship and attachment relationship we have with our children. They are so worthy of our time, our planning, our intention behind our actions, words, and thoughts even in the chaos of work, maintaining a home, keeping the family organized and happy, and all the things parents and caregivers must do in a day. Let us remember to be intentional in how we show up for our children. Because when we do, we can repair and fix anything. Nothing shows a child they are worthy than seeing the effort their parents put forth on their behalf.

Originally posted on: https://www.theparentingcollaborative.com/blog/fixing-insecure-attachment

#childdevelopment #insecureattachment #attachmenttheory