Fixed deposit mature nahi hua, Didi!

Field trips or missions are special. Other than the gallons of hot tea we consume to corrode or cleanse our insides, field trips amplify our world view with conversations, stories, ideas and ideologies that no good book can match.?

Fourteen years ago, during a field visit to Angul in Odisha, I met Biswa, a village community worker who traveled with me from block to block over the course of two days. This young man, was a “sociology graduate” and spoke to me in Hindi with Odia accent. Our conversations ranged from the local variations in food and the Khattas and the chutneys to primitive questions about families.?

‘Tell me about your family, will you?’

He sighed, paused to articulate better and said, “hmm..soch raha hun kya aur kitna batayun (am thinking about what and how much to say).”

Biswa got married a couple of years ago but has been ostracised by his parents for marrying a woman he loved, from another caste. He no longer stays in the same village as his parents. To assuage his despair, I wished that his parents come around to accept him back into their fold. He nodded disapprovingly and said that, that would never happen.

“Fixed deposit mature nahi hua, Didi.”

He went on to explain how his parents invested time and effort in raising him and were affronted by his choice of a life partner despite opposition. This act of self-assertion was equated to defiance, that made them feel that they could not reap the benefits of having a son they imagined he would be. Sunk cost.

Families are central to our existence.

They are driven on cooperation and inter-dependence but they are not democracies.

Families have their power centres and authority and each family member has a designated role and corresponding responsibilities, rights and privileges. The lines of hierarchy (perhaps also, patriarchy) are clearly drawn, where, generally the power relation between a parent and a child is such that the child is monitored, controlled and guilted into believing and submitting to a certain way of life and values. As parents, we have a dominant position in power where children are expected to follow the leadership of their parents. I am not dismissing the contribution of a parent here. But I cannot deny that what isn’t often accepted is that this relationship is not selfless.

Submission and conformity are often outcomes we look for to validate our effort as parents. When that goes awry, it throws us off. We fear the unknown, the unfamiliar - building up to resentment. ?

I sat with this thought all of last week - re-examining my relationship with my own child and that I have had with my own parents. ?

Is it useful to consider what roles each family member takes within the family, and whether everyone is satisfied with the current arrangement??

Is there room to negotiate and how big is that room?

How do we prepare for the unfamiliar?

Kaise hoga aapka FD mature?

What was your watershed moment that made you who you are and choose values that define you?

?Please do share your comments, even a few words will be encouraging. Thank you.