The Fix: Make feedback a conversation

Pop quiz: Who dreads feedback more - the giver or recipient?

According to a survey of more than six hundred managers, over a third said they’re uncomfortable giving direct feedback to employees if they think it will lead to negative outcomes, while nearly 70 percent felt uneasy talking to their employees in general.

Turns out managers dislike giving feedback even more than their employees dread receiving it!

It's understandable. Some managers feel time crunched. Others worry they lack people savvy. And no one wants to cause office drama. But no matter the cause, the effect is usually the same: People resort to feedback techniques like a “praise sandwich” that often end up doing more harm than good. (I explored an useful alternative in a recent newsletter.) No one benefits from a feedback culture of duck and cover.

This week's fix: How to turn feedback into a two-way conversation.?

There are two types of feedback: Window gazing and mirror holding. For many people, window gazing is the default feedback position: Telling and selling. Prescribing solutions. The dynamics are driven by power, not partnership. And that’s where the tension and turmoil resides.

But that can change with a simple mindset shift to mirror holding. This approach is guided by listening and learning. It's focused on asking questions and provoking insights. It trades power for partnership. Mirror holding is how we enlarge and expand someone else’s view, rather than narrowly imposing our own.

Here’s how you can become a mirror holder and bring more dialogue to feedback by making some simple and specific shifts.?

Start with success.

Open with questions that focus on people’s strengths and stories of success. Activate their sense of potential and possibility – it’s much more empowering than leading with shortcomings and solutions. As employees reflect on these peak moments, you’ll get a better sense of how they got there — and how you can partner with them to do it again.?

Here are some effective opening questions:

• What are you most excited about right now?
• What strengths have you found most to be most useful?
• Who have you recently helped, and what difference did it make in their work and yours?

Solve problems collaboratively.??

When there’s a problem, resist the temptation to swoop in and solve it. That’s what window gazers do. Instead, address the stealth causes of a particular practice or behavior. When we create more space and separation from the issue, it's easier to see things without bias, emotion and pre-judgment. The goal is to train a spotlight on the problem, not the person.

These questions can spark self-discovery without triggering unhelpful emotions:

• What's happening? Why do you think it’s happening?
• What outcome are you hoping for???
• How have you handled similar challenges in the past? What have you tried so far?

Talking about issues this way sends a clear signal that people aren’t problems. They’re problem solvers.?

Shape the path of progress.

If performance is a journey, then it’s a manager’s job to help shape the path. After working with employees to identify a peak moment and potential hindrances, turn the conversation towards future goals and commitments. But instead of dictating the terms (a classic window-gazer move), help others choose the course by prompting them for ideas of their own. Staying with that mirror holder mentality, you can guide others towards their next steps without forcing them into making the first move. As I shared in my TEDx talk, it certainly helped me!

These questions offer employees greater voice and choice:

• How do you think you’ll act on this?
• What's holding you back from achieving your goals?
• How can I help you recreate the conditions of your success?

The best feedback helps others understand their strengths and provides the encouragement and guidance to build on those strengths. Turning feedback into a conversation sets the conditions for positive and lasting change. Making that small shift from window gazing to mirror holding can produce a world of difference in your message — and just might help others see themselves in an entirely new way.

Research round-up:

• Critical feedback diminishes productivity
• Feedback loses its touch over time
• We drop those who give us negative feedback

Dr. Joe Hirsch is the managing director of Semaca Partners, a?TEDx and?international keynote speaker, and the author of "The Feedback Fix." His work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast, I Wish They Knew.

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